funny/not funny-I lost my temper

[leopard]

So I messed up yesterday.
DD26 has been in a mild funk the past week or 2 (christmas is coming so obviously there will be some drama afoot). I’ve tiptoed about, been helpful where I can with doing chores, shopping and sitting the tots, and said “no” where I needed to and enforced my boundaries. But the funk has gotten slowly louder until yesterday when it burst it’s banks.

She facetimed me yesterday morning, in a bit of a mood as I hadn’t called her the previous eve like I said I would. I should state I never say I will do anything unless I know I can guarantee I can do it, as anything vague can be open to interpretation and often leads to accusations of failure or lying about said vagueness. So I never said I would call her, what I had said was that she should come over in an hour so I could get bits done first and I then would make us dinner. She had responded to me that evening that she wouldnt come as she couldn’t be bothered to pack up the kids in the car and come over. I left her to it and went home. She obviously didnt show so went about my evening…
Anyway back to yesterday, mood apparent, she started to question my actions of late or lack thereof, cried & then raged, demanding the help that “I’m not giving and the love”. As always the suicide threats came in pretty fast and then I felt stuck to the phone to prevent harm for herself or the tots. She apparently has depression now too. I listened to her feelings, I responded calmly when needed. We openly discussed her refusal to use meds or participate in therapy fully, I suggested use of a residential facility or centre which she did not like. She was livid, as who would have the kids? She can’t get anyone in the family to babysit for 5 mins so how where we going to look after them on a longer term basis. We were all evil watching her suffer in silence and she wishes she had cancer as at least people would help look after the kids. She continued moving the goal posts when I gave advice or didn’t respond how she wanted, constantly blaming me for her misery and attacking me for not stopping her suffering. I remained within my bounds told her I would hang up if she became verbally abusive etc, until she fabricated a story about my partner.
You know, the straw man type of thing, an element of truth but built with a whole different reality. I started to loose my composure and my patience was waining. She can be very threatening about other family members & our pets and unfortunately my partner came home at this point to witness her malicious lies about him that then lead to attacking me for not protecting her from him. (He stayed silent in the background until he had to go back to work 20mins later-damn thats going to be a hard conversation between me and him later). All this was followed by a tirade of ways I had abused her throughout her entire life and the last statement example of this was of my spitting at her!
This of course never happened. She did witness as a 3/4 year old her dad spit in my face however, amongst other physical types of attacks. Something he continues to bring up except with him being the victim of the spitting. He is a compulsive liar and displays mild NPD. Anyway I digress. I was shocked that she was so adamant on this matter, I tried to discover if she was just confused or dramatising as to the spit that comes out of a persons mouth if they are shouting/yelling? No, she maintain I spat at her but wouldn’t say where or when. but kept enforcing that I had done this disgusting thing to her.
I lost my sh*t. I ended up shouting at her “You are fu**ing mental making up lies about me. You need Fu**ing help”.
She went dead quiet and calmly said “If you wont admit you spat at me, I never want to speak to you again”.
I said “Fine” and she hung up.

My thoughts have plagued me since, from mild humour at me calling her mental, then guilt for saying that to someone who is mental and also finding it funny. Then my reaction to her putting the phone down was “huhhhhhh Finally I dont have to deal with this PLEASE READ anymore!”. I felt relieved and then gutted as I realised this peace probably wont last long-I’m due to have the kids all day Thursday. Then thoughts went to “oh balls, what is she gonna do now that I have poked the beast”.
Then the fear creeps in of what could happen next given her history…“sh*t, I need to check the kids are ok”, “Am I gonna get a phone call”, “should I call and warn someone”, “what do I do now?”.

I got on the phone to my sister and for 7 hours we deconstructed the row. She doesnt fully understand BPD but is willing to learn. I am so thankful for her. She keeps me sane where my daughter is concerned. I love my partner but we can’t discuss these things without it affecting our relationship. We have agreed to not discuss BPD as he doesnt believe in it- he believes she is just nasty and its all her choice as she doesnt treat anyone else the way she treats me. He’s helped raise her since she was 8years old and has witnessed it all. On this occasion my partner has said he doesn’t want her in the house anymore, nor is he going to hers on Christmas Day to see the children. He says he doesnt trust her and can’t allow her to be in our home if she is going to lie in such a manner and attack him for a conversation she started, that happened 6 months ago, that was very humorous at the time.

If anyone else dreads the holidays like I do, I feel for you. Being torn about visiting your messy crazy loved ones while trying not to undermine your other loved ones is hard. When christmas is about the kiddies & their magical time and I will potentially miss out on seeing that, it makes me feel sad…I guess I will just have to wait and see how the rest of the week plays out…

Have any of you lost your sh*t with your pwBPD and blurted out anything you’d like to share? How did it play out? Did you apologise?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Leopard. Yes I have and I can identify with the range of emotions that follow when you actually get to have an outburst yourself! We are on the end of so much abuse and blaming - yet when we have a say it is shock, horror etc.

We are cornered!

On the few occasions I have had an outburst I did not apologise. I think I am entitled to 'let it all out' sometimes without feeing guilty. And yes the relief can be huge! It is often short lived though as one is left wondering how things will go, as you say when prodding occurs!

I have found that being cornered doesn't mean I am a cowering heap. One thing that helps me is that I have come to understand the 'Borderline' aspect of BPD.  My dd's version of things is way off the truth, but BPD is when someone is on the border between reality and psychosis. It is why it is so difficult to get a hold on where the person is at - at times they can seem just like anyone else; if the stress rises or emotions are pushed in some way they can move into an unreality very quickly.

The greatest difficulty I find is trying - as you are doing - to relate to someone with BPD and at the same time relate to non BPD folk. They usually just judge what is said and done without understanding just how serious and awful this illness is.

Every situation is different so I can only say what I do when I am pushed to an outburst myself:

I wait for some time to see if dd contacts me. If she does I don't go over the incident and if she refers to it my response is minimum. (I do this because it would start all over again and my dd is not rational enough to discuss things calmly.

If some time has passed I find an excuse to make contact - usually by sms. That way I can tell if she has moved on - which she often has - or is still emotionally fuming.

Most of the time I grey rock. It has worked pretty well since I started doing this.

I hope things get back to some even keel for you soon. Thanks for sharing.

[leopard]

Hey Sancho, thanks for responding. I did wonder after I posted this thread if it was pushing it a bit to be raw & honest and share my mess up. But without the honesty of where I am now at, what would be the point in posting…

I find all things really hard with dealing with this BPD life, much more so and very differently than how I coped in the beginning of her diagnosis up until 3 years ago. I used to feel very sorry for her condition & feel guilty for my part in it and want to make that better. I would try to be understanding and empathic and yet I was stronger at maintaining boundaries for my own sake. I had hope for better things and healing to come. I would see her fairly regular, maybe a couple times a month, but had to do all the running as mostly she was fine, working and living a normal life. Her BPD outbursts were about boyfriends, which I would try help her manage and pick up the pieces.
However since she has had the children things have gotten so much worse for both of us. For a start the outburst of her BPD started happening monthly and then weekly as opposed to the 3 or 4 times a year previous. But now they are about any/everyone. The family felt the change too, so started to distance themselves in times of trouble. I get it, staying at a safe distance was better for them-they were going grey rock without realising what tactics they were implementing. But that just meant her focus & intensity just got targeted on me. Her having the first baby was an beautiful opportunity for us to become closer and more relatable to each other. I thought the reality/trials/wonder of motherhood would help her understand. Boy was I wrong. Not only is it my fault for everything going wrong in her life, I am now responsible for her children having a bad life too. She now feels she has grounds to attack me for being the worst parent & grandparent. Even though we have made sure her kids have not gone without anything and we see her and them ALMOST DAILY, anything I do is not good enough.

You said you didn’t apologise-I can’t bring myself to do it. I have no poker face. To me it would be a lie. My sorry would give her the twisted reality that I was wrong and therefore she is justified. Thats not to say that I dont feel bad for the upset between us.

You said the relief is huge-it so was in that moment I posted earlier. Letting out those words, to actually say my bit instead of biting my tongue was a release I hadn’t felt in years. Then her reaction promising to never speak to me (deep sigh), the thought of her not coming to me daily with constant drama/attacks was exquisite.
 
You said you wait to see if you DD makes contact-I would normally do this but with christmas period in full swing, I had to pick up the kids to go to a family event and then go to her home christmas morning with the kids presents from us and other family. Both interactions were polite and civil whilst strained & somewhat awkward. I know I wont see her for a while as she will be spending time within her extended family & friends circle for the rest of the festive holidays. I foresee she will just start to behave as if nothing has happened after, once things are quiet and everyone else is back to work.

The return to our “difficult normality” fills me with dread. I attempt the grey non reactive approach to avoid causing a row, but this is also starting to infuriate her and causes her outbursts anyway. Trying to be the bigger person when you are being attacked constantly & not take it personally, the having to swallow each incident as if it didn’t happen & the speed her reality changes is all becoming so much harder to cope with. I’m tired! Tired of being attacked. Tired of trying to understand/empathise. Tired of trying to appease her. Tired of trying to help and it being thrown back in my face. Tired of having the kids dumped at any/every opportunity-I can’t live my life or enjoy grandkids as there are so many conditions I have to adhere to. Tired of being put in the middle of other family members to defend unnecessarily. Tired of being blamed for her not healing. Tired of her refusing help. Tired of her reality dominating every aspect of my existence. I have loved this kid whole heartedly her entire life until recently. It doesn’t come naturally anymore. I’m tired of trying to love her thought this abusiveness because I am her mother. I’m not her mother anymore, I am her punchbag, skivvy & wallet. My heart is already broken over her, I don’t think it could break more. But to choose to cut her out? I’m not quiet there yet. I would loose the babies too and that I find hard to comprehend. It would cause a lot more pain and would break my “nanny heart” that is set aside for them. They are the last strand keeping me going…

[Sancho]

Hi Leopard
You describe so well the way we are 'cornered' in your last post. Most of the time I feel as though my life would not be understood by anyone except the people here.

In a way I can understand how having the children has brought the BPD symptoms much more to the surface; the anxiety around caring for a baby certainly raised the bar of symptoms in the case of my BPD dd.

But dealing with this is so exhausting, so demoralising. On the one hand we are blamed, abused and taken for granted for our time etc. On the other hand if we try to assert ourselves things escalate.

Some time back I came to the conclusion that I was really cornered. Like you, even though exhausted and at the end of my tether, I couldn't turn away. The main reason was the child.  The toughest thing for me was - and still is - the fact that I can't plan anything. Even if things are calm enough on Monday, they might have exploded by Thursday.

These days I've been seeing my life as living with a volcano on bad days and a potential earthquake on good days.

Coming here has made a difference to me in that I now know the importance of finding 'mini breaks'. I had to start with a real simple few minutes here and there, but knowing that I had to treat myself and focus on myself for just a brief period of time in order to just keep going.

Do you have any support, any times when you are unavailable?

In order to keep going, I think this is going to be absolutely vital.

Sending hugs . . . . .

[leopard]

Sancho, thanks again for responding.

I know my writing heart is heavy with it “all” and I appreciate that posts of painful distress may be triggering or less engaging. It’s not intellectual or cause for debate but I had hoped I wasn’t the only one to mess up. I was looking to hear other stories and outcomes but people seem so composed on here or are they reluctant to tell that side? I’m not looking for sympathy, maybe I’m looking for acceptance, maybe I want to hear that it is ok to “tear her a new one”, maybe I’m hoping that as a last resort this act could make a difference (standing up to the bully). Who knows…

I agree that post natal depression was a major factor in the upscale of bpd and the ongoing drama with the baby daddy (he’s absent & present when he sees fit) always makes things escalate. Her BPD is/was certainly exacerbated by the pregnancies past & future that are constantly looming. She refuses to take or get birth control, but is in constant demand of others to watch the kids as she “can’t cope or get better”.
 
She always wants me to jump in and rescue her from whatever triviality or problem she is dealing with but only in the way she wants. I can’t always achieve this nor am I always willing to comply to every demand. So yes, then comes the blame, abuse and accusations.

Thats certainly the word. Cornered. Trapped, imprisoned, snared, ambushed are other descriptors that spring to mind. I certainly relate to your volcano & earthquake scenarios. Life just seems to be on pause in waiting for the next outburst. The only thing keeping me attached is the tots wefare.

I have supportive family who listen to my woes but they can’t help directly without being drawn down the rabbit hole. I need to get into therapy to help process all this “stuff”, I just can’t afford it at the mo. I have a reading list to work through & I need to get on top of my stress levels/diet to manage my migraine too.  Although I don’t know when this will happen if the kids keep getting dropped off (migraine or not). When the weather heats up a bit I will return to fishing for my mini breaks-I dont seem to get any phone signal in the countryside, if you know what I mean.

I guess this all is boiling down to me feeling like a bit of a monster where my DD is concerned. Coming to terms with it or embracing it is a challenge that my reasoned or emotional mind are disputing. I'm not sure I am explaining this clearly.

Thanks for the virtual hugs, sending you some too with wishes for a healthy 2022.

[beatricex]

Hi leopard,
Yes, I have lost my sh!t with my adult stepdaughter.  In a mighty passive aggressive way after she raged at us, I sent her some articles about Narcisstic mothers (via email) and signed her up for "Find a Therapist."  I had no idea if she even checked this email address.  I don't really know why I did this, but it did make me feel better initially, but of course, horrified later.   She guessed it was me and sent her dad a text along the lines of "if you don't stop emailing me and signing me up for sh!t I will file for harrassment!"  Then I had to worry about that.

Sometimes in fighting aggression, I suppose we become the aggressors.  Not a lot of people want to admit that, but yes, my husband knows it was me, I admitted it immediately and we talked to our marriage counselor about it later. 

I am only human afterall. 

Since I got a free pass for doing this, I have not had any more outbursts. 

She did disown us as my husband wouldn't divorce me per her ultimatum...I get that you're hanging in there for your grandchildren.  We are now unfortunately, cut off from ours (two girls 2 and 4).  When you can hang in there no more, know it's OK by me to let them go for awhile.  You can afterall, only do so much.

how are you doing today?
 
b

 

[leopard]

Hey Beatricex,
Thank you for sharing. I have thought about doing things “under cover” as it were, never went through with it though as to be fair I am a bit of a wimp in those situations asI  know I couldn’t keep it poker faced . But yes you are right, now a days when she is aggressive to me I often feel it right back. There has only been one time, a few years ago, when DD threatened to get physical with me in my actual personal space (she often threatens to “punch you the f**k out” while on the phone). I stood my ground, calmly told her to take her shot but to be aware that if she was going to front me like an equal then I would respond as such and she would suffer the entire consequences-she backed off pretty sharpish (she wanted her phone fixed at the time). I have never had a fight in my life so was relieved to not find out if I would be any good at it. Lol.

Bless you it must be heartbreaking not seeing your grandchildren. I dont know how you do it but I guess I may find out soon. My partner and I discussed yesterday the ramifications of  going NC with DD, among other things like her going into residential/suicide/social services involvement and what we would do for the tots. I am pleased to discover we are on the same page. We are both prepared to go grey rock for our sanity. We are both willing to take on the grandchildren if it should become that dire of a situation. Although my mind then races to the fear of history repeating itself, especially with the granddaughter as she is a carbon copy of her mum at the same age. I don’t want to mess up another beautiful bright little girl. I say this as it’s always childhood trauma that is pinpointed for the cause of BPD and I can honestly say that, whilst I know I am not perfect and only human, I still don’t know what I did wrong. I know what her father did on the other hand, but that is a story for another time. My partner is a champion, he is very supportive of my children, they are not his but has raised them since DD was 8, she is now 26. It is one of the hardest jobs to do being a step parent, taking the care & responsibility while getting none of the acknowledgement or rewards in love & respect that is certainly earned but never paid up as equally, and ultimately treated as an outsider. He suffers from the effects of her BPD but is still here by our side. My hat is off to you also Beatricex.

Today things are ok, its been a quiet week since xmas, so I have managed to regroup as it were. BUT…There is always a but, right?Her car is due its MOT this week and will likely fail. I can’t afford to fix any repairs needed and she certainly has no spare cash so I know THAT outburst is coming, unless she can find someone else to rescue her (baby daddy wont-he is too selfish to even give her housekeeping when he’s there). She will freak & panic & likely meltdown as that car is her only freedom-we live in a small village outside of town-to far to walk and a rubbish almost non existent bus service. Oh gees, its gonna be bad….I’ll be on taxi duty obviously to fetch shopping and get little one to/from nursery, etc but that means a lot of time in close contact where I am expected to rescue her. Deep sigh…

Thanks again for the reply, others strength and acceptance is much needed and appreciated. Sending hugs. 

[Sancho]

Hi Leopard. Thanks for keeping on posting. So good to know someone else is out there trying to keep going in a life dominated by bpd. Gosh your apprehension about how the car situation is about to play out - well I know exactly what you are going through.

A little while before Christmas BPD dd was with a new fella - much older - and I was concerned - just out of jail I think
 
Anyway there was  break up (this was after his ex had smashed most of the windows of the car dd was driving - and then he accused dd and another male friend of hers of stealing something. Turned up here one night demanding to see her, aggressive etc - gd very distressed, lucky dd wasn't here. They did leave when I ordered them off the property, but since then all sorts of social media stuff. Last week she came home with the next car that she has - she bought it, I had to get it fixed up, with smashed passenger side window!

If dd doesn't have a car . . . . . .

So am making sure gate is closed and all windows and doors locked at night now.

Then gd was at a friend's place having a wonderful time and - an accident and she has badly broken leg. Three days in hospital, and surgery with DD being the 'mum'. Me holding my breath for when DD would lose it! We got to the third day, and waiting for discharge, tablets etc - pressure was building. We got to the car and when the toilet thing didn't fit she let fly (a mini one for her, but I'm sure the nurse was startled) Me exhausted from the building pressure!

The thing that really, really gets me is this sort of scenario: DD knows she is about to explode, hasn't had a cigarette or any food (this is about 11 am and after her second night of sleeping on a narrow little bench next to gd) so I say 'go and have a break, I'm here'.

But NO! She is the mum who is not going to leave her daughter's side etc etc.

The stress on me is horrendous. I feel I understand what you are going through Leopard. I went through that time of wondering if more babies  . . .

You said 'She always wants me to jump in and rescue her from whatever triviality or problem she is dealing with but only in the way she wants'.

Gosh this is just so true. It's like DD has a fixed picture of what she wants and simply can't move it. Or she has other motivation. For example, I have a friend who helps me out with the car situations and he rang around and found a window. I find the moment to tell DD and she says 'O xxx has been looking and he was going to put it in when he got one'.

Well it took my friend two phone calls to find one, so waiting for xxxx to do anything would be useless. But I can see that she uses these things to have a connection with xxxx or any of the males that she knows. They all say they are going to fix this or that car, but all talk and we wait around, living the extra chaos while they don't get anything done.

I'm sorry I have given a good old dumping on you here. But I want you to know that reading your reality helps me a lot. Living with BPD in your life is the pits, and it's worse when you feel as though you carry this alone. Knowing others understand and are experiencing the same sorts of dramas, chaos etc is a real help for me. Thank you.