She may have discovered the bpd audio books…

[thankful person]

This morning my wife impatiently took my phone when I was trying to instruct Amazon to leave a package in the porch. When she handed it back it had my last three orders clearly on the screen “stop caretaking the borderline” audiobook, the hot tub filters we were talking about and “stop walking on eggshells” audiobook.
For context, she did have a bpd diagnosis a year before we met and did dbt. Having recovered from her eating disorder and self harm, she does not consider herself to have bpd anymore. But it manifests regularly where she gets angry and shouts/occasionally snatches the children from me and she is jealous of my relationship with them.
She did not mention what she may have seen on my phone. It’s possible she didn’t notice it. But I’m thinking not likely. Does anyone have any advice for how to handle it if she confronts me?
I was thinking of something along the lines of, “I have been concerned about the children’s mental health, due to your shouting and sometimes snatching them from me. I was looking up advice for how I can try and lessen the conflicts in our relationship. I have been trying to understand your feelings and not argue with you.” To which she would probably argue that I have failed  and that I’m always “starting arguments”.

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[formflier]

Couple things...did you "give" her your phone or did she "snatch" it from you? 

If she found your phone sitting around does she know the passcode to get into it...same question with other computer accounts.

I doubt she will raise the issue, but if she does I think you should "make it about you" and your desire to "be the best partner in a relationship".

her  "blah blah you went behind my back and were reading books about a disease I no longer have..except for when YOU make me have it"  (or some such nonsense)

you "Babe..I want to be the best partner I can be and wanted to better understand the diagnosis of (insert rough timeframe).  If this is something you wish to talk more about...we can certainly do that."

Note  She can make "this" about several things...you are leaving her open doors...not boxing her in.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

FF, yes that sounds good, “I’m learning to be the best partner I can be…” Actually I don’t think I need to give examples of her bpd behaviour unless she asks… I’m just trying to understand how she sees the world. Do you know what they learn about relationships in dbt? I have no idea… Her story is that “you learn about mindfulness which takes your mind off wanting to self harm but it doesn’t always work…” She has not self harmed for many years now thankfully. But surely bpd have some concept of mentally unhealthy behaviour, which is why she agreed that she would tell the health visitor if she attacked me again. I’m hoping that she has had a think since the child snatching incident at Christmas, and that she will try not to do it again (she would never admit such thoughts to me).
So she didn’t exactly snatch the phone but did take it without asking. It was more of a “let me do it” moment because I was being slow. She does have access to my phone though. I also have access to hers but it doesn’t interest me. She likes to be my pa and answer work messages and enquiries for me. I originally encouraged her because she lacks confidence academically with grammar etc and it has helped her. But I’m aware it is also a control issue. I was worried she would find the audio books. But I always delete my history after I come on bpd family.

[Notwendy]

I would suggest you don't get into a discussion with her about whether or not she has BPD. Do not give examples of her BPD behavior. This is feeding the drama - and will turn into a horrible circular argument. Truly, if it was possible to help things by talking about her behavior, you would not be having as many issues.

Talking about her behavior won't solve issues. How you behave and your boundaries may reduce the drama between you.

I would avoid the topic and if she asks, say "I was curious about it" and then don't discuss it further. I agree with FF to make it about you and you can say you looked at them because you wanted to know more about it. If she presses- say "well I haven't learned much about it and so don't feel I can really talk about it" then don't.

I think honesty is important and it's not being dishonest, as you are relatively new to learning about BPD and boundaries. It's also a personal thing- the books are for you to learn from- and that isn't something you need to share.

[formflier]

  Do not give examples of her BPD behavior. 

EXACTLY! 

Just because someone asks a question, doesn't mean you "have to" or "should" answer it.

Probably a good "rule" to follow on non BPD things as well.  She asks...make sure you  understand the question and then think about it for a while before answering.

"Slowing things down" is almost always a great idea.

Best,

FF

[mitten]

This is a great question.  I've also been wondering what I would say if my uBPDw noticed my Audible audio books on my phone.  Sometimes when I'm listening to them they stay on the home screen so I have to remember to close them out. 

I would probably just say, BPD is a topic I'm interested in... and if she probed more I would say... i don't know I just like reading about psychology.  She has no awareness to having BPD so I doubt she would think it's about her, but the titles would be confusing then...

And of course she has my password to my phone... don't all BPD spouses?  She loves looking at the photos I take of our children, or at least that's her excuse to use my phone on a daily basis. 

[Cat Familiar]

I’ve often talked about my BPD mom. Thus books would be for understanding the impact it’s had on me. 

[formflier]

In my relationship "taking back my phone" was a big part of establishing boundaries and calming things.

Now that I've had my phone back for many years...or I should say I've had privacy on my phone for many years...things are much more relaxed and I often unlock it and give it to my wife to read a text...look at pics or whatever.

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

Hi all, thanks for your thoughts. My wife hasn’t mentioned anything about it in over 24 hours so she either isn’t going to or will bring it up in anger. I’m prepared but rather uneasy because I’m not generally a secretive person.
So Cat, your mother has bpd and your husband does but he has no idea?
FF how did you announce that your phone was now going to be “private”? I know this would go down very badly as she would think I had something to hide and may even mention the audiobooks.

[Cat Familiar]

Years ago my husband got a diagnosis. I have no idea what it was. I knew him as a friend then and he was dealing with a wife who undoubtedly had a personality disorder. I’d known her for even longer and had seen some odd behavior from her when she was in a previous relationship with a guy who was far along on the narcissistic spectrum. At the time, my future H looked like the sanest one of the bunch. Appearances can be deceiving.

I don’t know what he knows or what he thinks, but I do see regular signs that he berates himself and is overly anxious and sometimes depressed. He has told me he doesn’t feel *real*, like a real person. And he fits several criteria for BPD. The psychologist we saw for relationship counseling, who I saw a few years later for individual counseling, told me he has a personality disorder, but didn’t specify which one. I know she saw far more NPD behavior, while I observe more BPD stuff.

[formflier]

I never "announced" it...I just changed my pin and my passwords.

Although on some level she knew it was coming...there had been a couple big incidents where she read something and turned it into something else...without bothering to gather any facts and had she not had access to my phone...she would never have read the messages.

Anyway...she didn't mention it for a few days although I'm pretty sure she discovered it.  Then she asked about it and I asked her what she needed and I would assist...she dropped it.

Then there were a few other "mid level" efforts to get me to do it and then I had my first extinction burst.  Luckily I was ready for it...pretty much ignored it and literally right in the middle of full on bpd outburst she decided it didn't matter...zero rage...acted like it didn't happen.

I'm so thankful senior members had coached me on what to be ready for...so while it was hard...non of it was unexpected.

Perhaps a good axiom with pwBPD  "It's not so much what you say or "announce"...it's much more about what you actually do."  (actions matter much more than words)

Best,

FF