Worst Christmas w DD-

[akiceman]

Hello all. Please forgive the length of this, but sharing with others who understand what it is like being a parent of a child with BPD helps me process (and sleep without replaying what went on) a lot.

I think the last time I posted, my DD (whom my wife and I adopted from foster care almost 8 years ago) cut contact off with us because we went to her boyfriend's house with the cops after she sent a picture of her face after he abused her (she made up a story about and the cops said there wasn't enough evidence, even with the picture). Well, DD (now 19) finally left her ex-boyfriend in September after he choked for the umpteenth time. She did not come home (didn't want to follow our rules) and instead moved into her bio-brother and grandmother's house, whom she hadn’t seen for 10 ten years.  DD was warned by her sister was a bad idea. Since then, DD has had and lost 3 jobs and refused to follow their rules. The grandmother told DD that she had to move from their house by 12/26.

DD knew she was getting kicked out so she asked to back home about two weeks ago. After my wife and I discussed it for a week, we told her the rules and reminded DD that we are in the process of adopting again. We then told her that we were going to take a trip over Christmas (we usually do) and told her she could come if she followed our rules and that it could be part of a trial basis to see if she truly wanted to come home. We also knew she would not have any type of Christmas if we didn’t take her with us. DD agreed (of course she did). This was on the Sunday before Christmas. The following day, DD came down from her grandmother's house to visit friends and ask to stay the night (the house is about 1hr away and of course, she had no way back). We said yes. That night, DD's room sound like there was a party going on. I went to ask her to turn down the music and go to bed but found the door locked. I told her to open it and she did. Her room was trashed. I must have scared her with my look because she dropped her vape. I picked it up and told her she had to leave (she knew the rules and the consequences). She kept yelling at me to give her vape back. I put it on the front porch and told her to leave (she did). She came back 2 hours later (3:30a) and woke us up. She said she was sorry for breaking the rule and got rid of it and that there was nothing in it (sure...). I was too tired to argue so I told her just to go to bed.

We woke her up at 8 to take her back to her grandmother's house. On the way, we told her that since she could not follow the rules, she could not move back home. However, we still would take her with us over Christmas (we wanted to keep a promise we made to DD to take her to Universal Studios when she was younger and had already paid for her part of the trip). She said whatever and called her brother to tell him she was on her way back and that she couldn't move back with us. He reminded her that she had to be out by the 26th. She said she'd figure it out and we dropped her off. About 15 mins later, she texted us that she was sorry and that she didn't want to be homeless. She asked to have another chance. We told her behavior on the trip would determine if we let her back home or not.

From the start of the trip, it was obvious that her behavior had not changed. The first day at the park, she was good when we took photos for her social media. However, her attitude changed when we told her to put the phone away on rides (she was Snapchatting with a 27-year man with who I told her to have no contact if she wanted to move home). She cursed me out and stated she wanted to go back to the hotel. I told her that if she didn't want to be there, then maybe we should get her a bus ticket back to NC (DD refuses to ride public transportation). She left the park and went back to her room. My wife and I didn't want her to destroy the Christmas presents (she did something like that a few years ago) so we went back as well.

When we go there, she demanded a bus ticket. We told her no. She yelled at us and I told her to leave the room if she didn't want security called. I asked for her room key and her park ticket (didn’t want her to sell the ticket). She left and told us that she would get the money herself. We found out from her sister that DD had texted her brother (the one who kicked her out) for money for the ticket, saying that we had stranded her. DD also posted to her "followers" that she need money for a ticket. No one sent her anything. About 2 hours later, I texted her to see if she was ready to talk. She said she would come back up after a little while. She came back at 1 am (Christmas Eve, wife’s B-day). She said she was happy to be back in the room. She said she wanted a shower (which was good because her hygiene has taken a nosedive) to calm her completely down.
By 1:30, she came out and was Snapchatting on her phone to the 27-year-old man again. She also had her phone light on. She was looking for her vape (the one she told me she threw away). I told her to go hang up and go to bed. Her words “Make me”. I told her that she had to go (I was hoping that she would go to the lobby and stay there until she came to her senses). I took her phone (which I find out later I was not allowed to do) and put it on the floor outside the door so she would have to leave the room. I closed the door after her. I then started to take presents back to the vehicle so I would not have to worry about it in case DD came back to the room and refused to leave for the rest of the trip. This is when I see her talking to security, saying that I pushed her and threw her phone out of the room (I didn’t). She told them I stole her vape (nope, think she dropped it when she left the first time) and said that she wanted to just go back up to the room and get her stuff. I said that was fine. 3 security people went up to the room with us and had my wife and I step out while DD got her clothes. She was still accusing me of taking her vape when she left. This was all over at 2:15 am.

At 4:30a, we get a call from DD crying. She was at the Greyhound station and wanted us to come to get her (she only had $2, since she had not been paid from the 1 day she worked before quitting the week before). I told her the only way for us to get her and let her back was to give us her phone until we left on the 26th. She tried to bargain with me, so I hung up. I then took a shower (we were going into the parks early) when she had called my wife after texting us that she would give up her phone for the rest of the trip. We went and got her. While on the way back to the hotel, we told her that she could not move back with us and she said she understood.

We had an amazing day after that! My wife enjoyed her birthday and it was like we had our little girl back. DD insisted that her gift be the last given and she was so proud of it. She even took her meds, didn’t complain about her phone, and went to bed at a decent time (I had maybe 2 hours sleep for 33+ hrs before this).

Christmas Day was a different story. Due to her declining behavior, we had to leave to resort that afternoon (a day early) and had come home. We went to the park in the morning and DD didn’t want to do anything. She demanded coffee. We did a couple of rides and then went and got coffee (both my wife and I wanted some, so that is why). DD was asking if she could have her phone back when we got back to the room and was told no (reminded her about the agreement). We went back about 11 am and opened presents. DD was happy until she opened the last one. She demanded her phone back and was told no. She then became loud and I feared that she was going to go into full meltdown. I gave her phone back and she went into the bathroom. My wife and I decided we had had enough and told her we were going home (DD said something like bout F’n time). She then became nice all of a sudden when she noticed that she had lost her headphones and asked us to look for them. We told her to find them herself and she got loud again. I told her to go wait in the lobby. We checked out ($50 fee if you leave a Universal Resort early, but they waived it when they saw DD).

DD blasted her music while we drove (no headphones). My wife and I didn’t want to fight with her so we ignored it (my wife is an awesome grey rock, BTW). We need gas so we stopped in Dayton Beach. My wife and I took turns going in to go to the bathroom before we got gas. When I came out, DD had trashed the backseat and dumped my backpack out, looking for a charger. She then demanded we give her one and was told no. She started throwing stuff at the windshield (we were still parked). This is when I started to yell at her to stop or I would call the police. She then pushed one of my buttons (my brother died at a young age and she was making fun of it) and I started yelling back. I called her a name (I am ashamed). By this time, my wife is trying to get us to a pump so that we could get home as soon as possible (7hr drive back to NC). DD then dumped a whole bottle of soda on me and demanded a power cord. We called 911 (requested officers with mental health training) and they sent out two officers.

They asked me what happened and I told them DD has BPD and was in full meltdown and may need to be taken somewhere for mental health (In NC, it's called on IVC). They talked to DD and being the masterful manipulator some people with BPD are, she convinced them that I was in the wrong. She told them that I had pushed her at the hotel and that I took her phone away (had her consent to have the phone, btw). They wouldn’t let me explain that part. They said the night I took her phone (she pays for it, though we have made payments for her) and put it in the hall that was Domestic Violence and Battery in FL. They read me my rights and went to talk to their supervisor. My wife suffers from General Anxiety Disorder and went into a full meltdown. This is while our DD was laughing. They came back 20 minutes later from the car and told us no charges would be happening (I was getting the number of a lawyer for my wife to call). They told me since we were from out of state, we had to take her with us, and then she could not be taken anywhere. I told them that she was getting worst and that we feared for our safety getting home. One officer told me to be a man and a better f’n father (I’m not kidding). They also told me to give her a charger (again, not kidding). We got gas and left as soon as we could.

The drive was fine from there until we got into NC. DD started to look for something in the back and her music stopped. She then started Snapchatting. I looked back and saw that she had a pair of my earbuds (she had gotten them from my bag when she dumped it). I told her to give them back and she said no and that they were hers. I took them from her and then she punched me in my left eye. She then told the people she was chatting with “you saw him touch me” (didn’t touch her, just grabbed my headphones). Poor wife pulled over and we were going to tell her to get out and call the police. However, after dealing with the police in Daytona, we just wanted to get home (10 minutes away). I did record DD bragging about hitting me to the people she was talking to. I also was able to record that I never touched her (she said they won’t believe you since it’s “he said/ she said”).
When dropped DD off, we told her do not contact us or come to the house. I texted and recorded it as well. She told us she would never talk to us again (until she needs a place to stay or money).

We are still trying to decide if I need to press charges or get a restraining order. We don’t want to those, not because of DD, but because of us adopting in the next month or so. We have decided, though, that no matter what, DD will not be having any contact with us until she gets help.  Thank you for letting me vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Akiceman
What a Christmas! Your Christmas journey with DD contained all the aspects of BPD that I have experienced - and that you read about here. Often it's one aspect at a time, but in this situation they all surfaced.

My DD responds to any male who shows her attention - she is so desperate to avoid the feeling of abandonment. This has lead to a worrying Christmas time here with a car with a few people turning up here looking for DD who is supposed to have taken something from one of them, then a few days later the one I worry about - who is late 40s by the way - contacting her with all sorts of kind words - she goes to him of course and he steals her phone etc (Christmas Eve by now).

Just awful.

Then you have all the lies etc when you did get the police. So many here have had that experience too - I just hear back from others the lies that are spread.

It's all part of BPD - the person functioning through a damaged cognitive and emotional system so that the rational function is constantly over taken. And when it does get a look in, the impulsivity just makes any kind of planning impossible.

I am not sure what your DD's life was like before you adopted her, but she has had disruption and broken attachment. My DD is not stable enough to engage in therapy. Is therapy possible for your DD?

I'm glad that you were able to come here to 'debrief' and I am sorry that I can't really offer any kind of hope.

BUt I am letting you know that you are in my thoughts and I hope that things can settle a little - New Year, New Beginning hopefully.

[Elizabeth22]

Hi, akiceman

Reading this really made my heart break for you and your wife.
I think it's in your best interest to consult a lawyer about a restraining order and how or if it would affect the adoption because I would be very fearful of her around another child and I would also be fearful she would make up more lies to try to get you arrested again, which I am thinking could really interfere with the adoption. You now have another child to think of and protect. I am so sorry. You gave her so many chances.

I know you said you don't want to do that, but maybe just getting some information about options would be helpful.

Best Wishes -
Elizabeth22

[jones54]

Wow. I have lived that life for many years. My BPD daughter is now 36. She was the worse when we ever traveled. Eventually came to the point I would take my son and daughter on a ski vacation and her mother would not come along. She was terrible when we went (my son came...so sorry what he had to experience all that).
I would never tell you what to do but If I had a chance to do things over I would not have supported her as much. Don't get me wrong she finished college and has a BA in English. Yes, as you say, there were times she was nice (that would always get your hopes up).
She has been out of the house for a while (what a relief). Unfortunately she has addiction issues. Was doing heroin in the past. She has been homeless for almost a year now. She actually had a good paying job for almost 2 years. Was in a halfway house this Spring and just decide to leave and "live in her car" since warm weather was coming. We have bailed her out multiple to times.  She must have lost her job( maybe in October ?) Next thing you know it is getting cold out. She is in a rage and the hate texts start. She is miserable and states this is all my fault (and her mother ...we are now divorced but always in communication) . She constantly says she is going to tell the world how we abused her and were terrible parents (our son is happily married with two beautiful grandchildren). We have finally refused to bail her out. She has gone ballistic. A few weeks ago she came to my office and attempted  to attack me with a baseball bat ( she missed and I got it away from her). The next night she went to her mother's house and was hitting the windows and screaming. She broke lawn items and the screens. I took out a PPO. I petitioned the court to have her committed. She finally was picked up (hard to find a person who lives in her car). She spent the day in the ER being evaluated by the ER doc and a psychiatrist . Also by multiple social workers. They interviewed me 3 times. After all that they let her go! I am sure put on the " I am fine face".
She continues to harass me with emails ( I blocked her texts). She threatens to kill me and her mother . She says she will burn my house down. I went back to the police and gave them copies of the emails. They said it is a violation of the PPO but can do nothing unless she gets pulled over for something else.
Last night, just after the clock switched over to 2022, she went to her mother's house with a baseball bat and shattered the glass on the front door. She was gone by the time they police came. Even minutes after she did this she wrote an email again saying she will kill us and when she is on trial everyone will find her innocent "when she tells all what we did to her".
We are hoping she will get arrested but even if she does she will not spend any time in jail before they let her out. She needs serious mental health therapy. Unfortunately she thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with her and that we are the crazy ones that need help.
It has been holy hell for 20 years. If had to do it over again I (we) would have not enabled her as much. To this moment she is waiting for us to help her. She was recently offered to go into an all female rehab house (she has been there before) as well as going inpatient for mental help when she was at the ER. She refused. She hates rules (rehab house) but never takes on the responsibility to fully take care of herself along with making poor choices along the way (and blaming others of her situation).
They can haunt you the rest of your life. I (we) have decided enough is enough. I pray for her every night. Just as important I pray that I will be able to live out the rest of my life in peace. Every year the holidays are a time of stress not knowing what she will do. This has been the worse one yet.

[akiceman]

Just thought I'd update. First, I'd like to thank you guys for your thoughts and understanding. WE ALL have been through (and continue to) go through a lot.

Well, DD came back on New Years Day (7am). She asked to move back in since she got kicked out of where she was staying (cheated on the guy she was staying with). She said she was sorry for what had happened over Christmas (not that we believed her). We said no and sent her on her way. However, DW and I talked, made up a very strict contract, told her she was a guest and not a resident, and texted her with it. She agreed (of course) and signed it and we let her back.

From the first moment, we knew it was a mistake. She quickly fell back into her old ways. Yesterday morning, I woke up and could tell she was vaping (against one of our conditions in the contract). She became combative when I asked about this and I told her she had to be out by the evening, as she had violated several of the conditions prior to this. This made it worst. I had to have the police come out. She told me "they're not going to make leave". They did, however, made her leave (told her not to come back). Didn't think we'd hear from her for a week (her pattern). I got a bag of her clothes ready, even though she abandoned everything yesterday when the police told her to get some things (she didn't like the bag they were in).

About an hour ago, DD comes to the door. She demands her stuff and was cursing us out. She then went into the package bin on our porch and took a box out. I told her to show it to me after she threw it into the bf car and it was hers. I gave her 2 bags of clothes and told her to leave or I was going to call the police (she was told not to return yesterday by the police). She then tells me to call the police (she didn't pay her phone bill and service was cut today). She must have used her "boyfriend's" phone, as the police arrived 10 minutes later. By this time, I was packing up the rest of her stuff since DW and I are done.

The police told us to give her her stuff. DD told them she just wanted a jacket and sketchpad. We told them she had to take everything, as we are not a storage place (4-5th time we have packed up her stuff in the past 1.5 years). DD said she didn't have space where she was. They told her to put as much of her stuff in the BF car. They asked us to put the remaining items in our shed so she could pick them up with them in a day or two. DD made some nasty comments and then left. The police advised us to get a restraining order after we told them we do not want her back on our property until she gets help. We asked about her taking the package from our mailbox since she hasn't lived here since March and they couldn't give us a good answer, as well (we don't want her coming up and taking or packages or mail, since she is spiraling down and we are in the "black" area).

I hate to say this, but we are hoping that she stays away for a long time. DD needs help and refuses to get it. We are so tired of trying to help her, especially DW.  We are both upset with DD, as we had to let DSS know that she was staying with us until she could find someplace else. Because they know her history and behavior (we adopted DD from foster care many years ago), they temporarily pulled our license until March (we were just approved to adopt again and they were getting close to matching us with a child). This is the 2nd or 3rd time something with DD has caused us not to be able to adopt another child. Well, I'm tired (physically, mentally and emotionally), so I'm going to bed.

Oh, there was a question about DD being open to therapy. That would be a no, as she doesn't have any problems and everything is everyone else's fault. She was in therapy for 8+ years (even before we adopted her). She refused to do the work and whenever she made any progress, she would sabotage herself. She has done everything from group, CBT, DBT (got kicked out because she was making the others in the group uncomfortable, so she didn't finish), 2X Intensive In Home (2-3 days a week when people come to your home for a few months) and inpatient/ outpatient. DD even manipulated one therapist in to think she did not have any problems and that DW and I were to blame. Good times... (now I'm going to bed).