Update on how it's going.

[Leaf56]

I started here on July 10. So I'll use that as the date that I started not helping him in earnest. So about 7-8 weeks later now, I thought I'd give an update on how it's going. Just a reminder that my son stopped any abuse/anger/blaming of me entirely when I made it clear that that was not going to work with me. That stage lasted for about a year and included 2 hospitalizations and about 6 months of no contact, initiated by him but continued by me because I simply blocked him right away and was only reached again by his father. He transitioned to what I read elsewhere as "love bombing"—telling me all the time how much he loves me, making it clear that he thinks of me as wonderful and perfect, telling me how much he wants to cuddle with me. FWIW, all of this makes me feel a bit sick and I've gently told him that on several occasions. I made it clear to him that no tactic he uses will get any money from me and that he must be completely respectful of me if he wants any involvement from me at all in his life. So over the past 8 weeks, every time he's begun texting me and trying to rope me in to his latest drama, I inform him I'm going to block him and then I do. He texts about once a week asking if he can see me. I've met with him a few times in person and since I don't allow him to complain or talk about himself, we end up having very little to say. The rule is he can tell me positive things and we can talk about topics unrelated to him or mental health. A few weeks ago he was fired from his job, and I wouldn't allow him to talk about it with me other than when he started complaining about the bosses I told him that his firing was all his fault and that he was going to have to live with it and then I blocked him because he couldn't abide by the rule. He recently decided to visit his brother in another state and bought a plane ticket to do so then yesterday, when he was supposed to go, had a meltdown and didn't. He tried to involve me in his decision making process via text after the fact and I told him I was not going to participate. So far he is keeping to the rules. What I wanted to report is that I definitely see progress in his ability to keep himself from texting me when I tell him not to, which is a big improvement. It's really just about being consistent, just like I had to be when he was a child with things like not drawing on the walls, to use a simple example. The last actual conversation I had with him in person, which was last week, I told him that he was very close to losing his relationship with me, if not forever, then at least for a while, and that if he couldn't learn to control himself that that was what was going to happen.

So I'm not sure if this method would work for others, or if it's even going to work long-term for me, but I figured I'd keep people up to date. I would still love to hear from others who've tried this tactic. In the end, even if it doesn't work for him, it sure is better for me, and I, and the rest of our family, count!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rev]

So I'm not sure if this method would work for others, or if it's even going to work long-term for me, but I figured I'd keep people up to date. I would still love to hear from others who've tried this tactic. In the end, even if it doesn't work for him, it sure is better for me, and I, and the rest of our family, count!

So from my end, when I joined this thread, I was in the middle of laying down boundaries about 6 weeks ago. It started with establishing that I am not an ATM.  Then it moved to severing our phone plans so that I would stop paying overages. This is where things hit a snag. I am not sure about the details, but I can put two and two together as well as the next person. She is having trouble with the carrier and can't fulfill the proper identification for her to carry the phone plan she has on her own. I'm in  a part of the world, where there is not a lot of competition so providers can conduct themselves more strictly.  But I digress.

A week ago, I discover that she has not fulfilled her obligations and I get hit with another charge for data overage. I choose to freeze her portion of the account and put a 48 hour notice for cancellation on it. I email her the details, and text her to tell her to check her email. No response. Her mother tells me she's out with her new boyfriend  - a whole topic in of itself. 

On the first morning that the phone is cancelled - I get a phone call at 8:30 am from the provider - 8:30 (!). She's on the other line on hold they tell me. She is asking that I reinstate the phone. I pause to think - and then tell the agent. "Unfortunately you have been pulled into the middle of a family situation. I am sure that this is not the first time that a parent has drawn the line with a child and their phone plan. Please tell her that the answer for now is "no".  If she wants to email me with a plan to assume responsibility for the phone, then I will reinstate it so she can take it over."

The agent promised to pass this message on to her.

Some time later in the day, she blocked me on social media, but not my current wife.

Time will tell I suppose.

Rev

[Leaf56]

Way to go, Rev! Of course you know you've done the right thing, but I also know it helps to hear it from others. I shut down my son's phone, the only thing I was actively paying for in his life, last summer, and I didn't think twice about it. In the US, kids can stay on their parents' health insurance until they are 26, so as long as he behaves, I'll keep him on the plan for one more year, which is the time it will take for him to reach that age. I haven't given him a single penny for a year and a half. If he didn't live with his dad for free in his boarding house, I guess he'd be homeless, and I'm ok with that idea. As I've said before, he has a 4-year college degree, an able body, a winning personality when he chooses to use it, good looks, and comes from a family that gave him every advantage and all the love and nurturing in the world. His refusal to grow up is sickening to me, and I simply don't buy that he's not equipped to do it.