To believe or not to believe

[Gdoodle]

I told my ubpdw i want us to meet with a mediator and go on our separate ways. She was shocked at first. For past week we have been home with the kids during school vacation and she has been extra nice to the kids and me. Every other  night she’s been crying and asking to chang my mind. My question is how do you know if she is actually trying to change or this is another mind game she is playing. She’s been talking to her narcissist mom and brother even though they hate each other and cut ties amongst each other every few months. And after she met her brother for support few nights ago, he told her i must be cheating on her thats why i am leaving. I guess i am asking because deep down i feel like i am making the right decision but i also don’t want to leave any doubt.

[ForeverDad]

Do what you feel is right, both for you and any children.

In nearly all cases recounted by our members, giving the spouse a "chance to change" didn't result in success toward recovery.  If after years of seeking improvement in a spouse's perceptions and behaviors, would granting more time make a difference?

It has been commented before that if it turns out a divorce was a bad idea, you can always remarry.  Generally that never happens.  However, I seem to recall a few members may have remarried then later regretted getting back together because the old problems returned.

[alleyesonme]

I told my ubpdw i want us to meet with a mediator and go on our separate ways. She was shocked at first. For past week we have been home with the kids during school vacation and she has been extra nice to the kids and me. Every other  night she’s been crying and asking to chang my mind. My question is how do you know if she is actually trying to change or this is another mind game she is playing. She’s been talking to her narcissist mom and brother even though they hate each other and cut ties amongst each other every few months. And after she met her brother for support few nights ago, he told her i must be cheating on her thats why i am leaving. I guess i am asking because deep down i feel like i am making the right decision but i also don’t want to leave any doubt.

Foreverdad makes some great points. One thing I'd add is that, if you do initiate the divorce process and she has any hope of ever changing, that may be what fuels her to change. By no means am I recommending that you file for divorce to nudge her to change, so if you do file, you need to make sure you're 100% okay with it being over. But if she knows that her only two options are divorce or making significant changes, she may genuinely attempt to change.

[alterK]

Gdoodle, I haven't read any of your previous posts, but I'll assume this one is the end of a long struggle, and that your W really has BPD. If that's true, I'll agree with Forever, that your becoming serious about divorce will not result in any lasting change. In fact, if you don't carry through the sword hanging over your W's head is likely to make things more difficult for you. It sounds like she is already triangulating, which doesn't bode well. A pwBPD can only change their behavior after a long process.

If you haven't, I suggest you read Bill Eddy's book on splitting. Divorcing a person with BPD is rarely an amicable process, and can be an expensive nightmare. I'm not advising that you shouldn't do it. That's obviously your decision. Just do everything you can to prepare for what may come.