introduction

[BFmess]

Hello,

I have been referred to this site for support.  Two of my adult daughters have been diagnosed with BDP.  I believe this site would have been a helpful resource to have found many years ago, when I was in the middle of the storm. (during the divorce, lack of logical boundaries, sexual, physical, alcohol, and drug abuse, suicide attempts, police and CFS involvement ).

My children are adults that have not successfully integrated into society. They struggle with depression, anxiety and have very little social supports.  Their employment and relationships are unstable. Their worldview is fearful and suspicious. They do not trust doctors, medicine, or governments and yet their instability requires them to navigate these systems.  That is where I find myself these days. Not in a positive healthy relationship with them but there to attempt to reason with them.
    EX: If you want your rent paid due to your illness you need to continue to see the         
        Dr who signs the papers which pay your rent. If you are 'better' than it is time to
         find a job.
Counsellors have asked me: What happens if I don't do take these steps. I say, that is like watching the count down to a bomb explosion.  If you had a chance to unplug a wire, you would do it.  In my dream world, they would have regular counselling and their counsellor would be that reasonable voice.

I struggle with feeling I have not done enough. I wish I had left their father earlier but that does not help anyone. I suspect he would receive a similar diagnosis but I don't think a BPD profile fully captures the level of disfunction.

Now, I try to set healthy boundaries with them and engage in normal interactions. Covid has made that difficult. I do not know anyone else whose life is like this. My friends have family dinners, plan weddings, and look forward to babies.  I hope and pray my adult kids do not have kids. I hope this cycle ends here. I try to visit with them alone, dread them all in the house at the same time. I know their romantic partners end in restraining orders and court dates. It is information that should be disclosed on their dating profiles.

My hope is that I will feel less alone reading your stories and that I will come to understand more about this disorder and maybe feel less helpless in this area.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome. We are glad you added us to your network of support.  Your story sounds familiar.  I will write more later , but wanted to welcome you here.
   

[guiltymom]

Welcome to you. I know all too well what it's like to sit and watch friends with children who are planning weddings and landing fabulous jobs—children who were best friends with my son (he's 24) and who weren't nearly as witty and interesting as he was during elementary, middle, and high school. I also hope and pray that he will never have children of his own. My son hasn't been officially diagnosed but I'm sure he has bpd. He's fairly high functioning, but his distrust of the medical system and other societal institutions is scary, and he is completely isolated socially. I've been talking to a therapist every other week, which has helped.

[Sancho]

You are not alone BFmess. I come here to read posts such as yours - it sooths me knowing there are others in this world who are in exactly the same position as I am.

Each time I come here I read something in someone else's post that is exactly what I experience. Your example, and your response to 'What happens if I don't take these steps?'

The past four weeks or so has been pretty awful. DD had a short relationship with an older man - his ex turned up at his flat while DD was there and smashed 3 of the 5 windows out of the car she was driving (my car).

She separated from him, back with a former partner and then the ex accuses them of taking something of his - drugs I imagine. He turns up here at night, aggressive, looking for her (thankfully she wasn't here). The next week he rings up and by the sound of it all apologetic so - yes you have guessed right! - next morning she is off up there!

Two hours later I get a phone call, he has stolen her phone. So he now has access to her bank details etc.

So does she go to the bank straight away? No of course not.

This is a long story but just to say it I have lived for so many years with that dilemma.

Dealing with the world is a huge thing for my DD so she finds any excuse to avoid it - even when not doing so makes such a mess!

I had hoped 2022 would be a bit better but so far not so . . . . . . .

It is the chaos that gets me down most I think . . . . . . . 

Anyway I hope you have the strength to keep going and also that you find opportunities to nurture yourself.