Court orders in effect for few months, now she wants to come back

[NotAHero]

 I posted my story over the last few months. The summary is 4+ years relationship with BPD and a child together. Over the past 2 years her behavior became intolerable and instead of trying to get better she started leaving and coming back. Final straw almost a year ago when she left for months - stayed in contact and seeing me regularly.  Strong doubts she is getting involved with others but no confirmation. Finally I filed for parenting plan and child support few months ago. Orders are in effect I have been paying her. I changed the locks too and she took whatever she can fit with her- her stuff.

 I respect that she signed willfully and that kept me open to seeing her. This Christmas she wanted to stay over so all the kids - mine , hers and our son- can spend the holidays together.

 Well, she started gas lighting her way out of what happened and tried to pretend she never left. Pretended she now lives with me again and tried blaming everything on me. I immediately asked her to leave and she did.

 I am still torn about moving on with my life without her. I know that the right answer is to just never let her in and move on. Still struggling with that. I wonder if this situation we have now where she lives with her friends or “friends?” and I allow her to come stay every now and then is viable ? She still devalues me and nothing changed except now she says she might be BPD. That doesn’t mean she will seek help, on the contrary she said she will never change. Any thoughts of someone who had the same experience or is dealing with anything of resemblance would be greatly appreciated.  

[SinisterComplex]

I posted my story over the last few months. The summary is 4+ years relationship with BPD and a child together. Over the past 2 years her behavior became intolerable and instead of trying to get better she started leaving and coming back. Final straw almost a year ago when she left for months - stayed in contact and seeing me regularly.  Strong doubts she is getting involved with others but no confirmation. Finally I filed for parenting plan and child support few months ago. Orders are in effect I have been paying her. I changed the locks too and she took whatever she can fit with her- her stuff.

 I respect that she signed willfully and that kept me open to seeing her. This Christmas she wanted to stay over so all the kids - mine , hers and our son- can spend the holidays together.

 Well, she started gas lighting her way out of what happened and tried to pretend she never left. Pretended she now lives with me again and tried blaming everything on me. I immediately asked her to leave and she did.

 I am still torn about moving on with my life without her. I know that the right answer is to just never let her in and move on. Still struggling with that. I wonder if this situation we have now where she lives with her friends or “friends?” and I allow her to come stay every now and then is viable ? She still devalues me and nothing changed except now she says she might be BPD. That doesn’t mean she will seek help, on the contrary she said she will never change. Any thoughts of someone who had the same experience or is dealing with anything of resemblance would be greatly appreciated.  

I can understand your quandary hero, but I have to ask you...what do you think will happen if you allow her to stay every now and then?

What are your goals? What do you want for yourself?

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[NotAHero]

I can understand your quandary hero, but I have to ask you...what do you think will happen if you allow her to stay every now and then?

What are your goals? What do you want for yourself?

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

 Thank you for your reply.

 Mainly the children prefer it. As for me I have to endure devaluation but since she is not always around anymore I also get a time for myself. That doesn’t come without some fear of the unpredictable nature of BPD and what she might do. That’s why I am torn.

[ForeverDad]

Right now she's on her "less bad" behavior.  That's to be expected, anything to maintain or regain influence.  So this question is about how it was in the past.  Did her poor behaviors impact only you or were the children negatively impacted?  Did she act out with them too?

My other question is about the current order, how much time do you get with your young son?  Do you feel it is enough time or adequate?

I often relate what my lawyer told me early in my divorce case.  Rather than quote the entire story, here's the portion:

My lawyer told me one case he handled where the H was looking very good in the Custody Evaluation, there was only his signature needed but the H went silent.  Lawyer called but the W answered the phone, they had reconciled.  Well, six months later the H called back and wanted to restart his divorce.  But the second time around the W knew which poor behaviors to avoid and this time she came out on top for parenting.

Sorry, but time-tested strategies and being strategic are important in a high conflict custody/parenting case.

The fact that you're concerned whether it was wise to let her con her way back into your life tells me you're listening to your gut, a little.  So my question is, what is different now as compared to before you separated?  Will she take more liberties with your new boundaries?  Do you worry you're boarding the roller coaster again?

[BigOof]

ForeverDad, thanks for sharing.

[NotAHero]

Right now she's on her "less bad" behavior.  That's to be expected, anything to maintain or regain influence.  So this question is about how it was in the past.  Did her poor behaviors impact only you or were the children negatively impacted?  Did she act out with them too?

My other question is about the current order, how much time do you get with your young son?  Do you feel it is enough time or adequate?

I often relate what my lawyer told me early in my divorce case.  Rather than quote the entire story, here's the portion:
The fact that you're concerned whether it was wise to let her con her way back into your life tells me you're listening to your gut, a little.  So my question is, what is different now as compared to before you separated?  Will she take more liberties with your new boundaries?  Do you worry you're boarding the roller coaster again?

 Her behavior basically went back 6 months before the separation when she was just using devaluations. Changed her tone a little and stopped screaming at me in front of the kids as much. It’s still not acceptable.

 The signed orders are permanent and hard to change. I don’t know if she has a viable way of playing the court at this point. I have 50/50 custody with me assigned as primary. My son sees me enough and he seems unaffected because he sees each of us every other day at most.

 I just don’t know if this is viable or if I’m wasting more of my life. Very torn about the choices.

[Turkish]

Are these romantic overnights, or just as coparent friends?

She told you that she'd never change. She is exhibiting past behaviors. Would they get better if you spent a lot more time together, or would more familiarity breed contempt?

Personally, I can be a better father, more relaxed and not on edge with my half of the time.

Mine asked to come back three or four years after she left. We had been spending more time together as she has separated from the guy she left me for. It also wasn't fair to the kids to give them hope. We go out to lunch maybe one or two times per month, that's about it these days (though the ex laws did invite me for Christmas eve and I went.

Eight years next month after she left and D9 asked the other day why we couldn't get back together.

[NotAHero]

Are these romantic overnights, or just as coparent friends?

She told you that she'd never change. She is exhibiting past behaviors. Would they get better if you spent a lot more time together, or would more familiarity breed contempt?

Personally, I can be a better father, more relaxed and not on edge with my half of the time.

Mine asked to come back three or four years after she left. We had been spending more time together as she has separated from the guy she left me for. It also wasn't fair to the kids to give them hope. We go out to lunch maybe one or two times per month, that's about it these days (though the ex laws did invite me for Christmas eve and I went.

Eight years next month after she left and D9 asked the other day why we couldn't get back together.

   I can relate to the feelings when you daughter asks you that question.  I have little doubt that my son will ask that too at some point if I keep this charade going.

 The time we spend together is not just coparenting we do get intimate.  Lot of push and pull though. It is not very healthy by any means but definitely better than when she lived with me. At the time she had all the cards and used them to torture me emotionally. She says she was abused by a child and in one unproductive argument as she was emotionally torturing me  I told her I met her abuser through her. I don’t make such unproductive attacks anymore though. The emotional abuse used to be extreme. Now that she has no cards and all I have to do is lock the door she has some limits. Doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t revert to abuse if ever given the chance. What’s why I told her I have no plans of having her live with me again. I keep adding boundaries slowly as well. Still not sure if I’m doing the right thing. Something isn’t right.

[ForeverDad]

Regarding intimacy, if you do not make sure you take charge of birth control, then there may be heightened risk of adding a baby into the
custody/parenting mix.  You know, the "oops, I forgot" excuse.  That would be one way for her to lock in the relationship reset.

Another reason it is best for a failed adult relationship to clearly end, as "limping along on two opinions" is a recipe for problems.

[NotAHero]

Regarding intimacy, if you do not make sure you take charge of birth control, then there may be heightened risk of adding a baby into the
custody/parenting mix.  You know, the "oops, I forgot" excuse.  That would be one way for her to lock in the relationship reset.

Another reason it is best for a failed adult relationship to clearly end, as "limping along on two opinions" is a recipe for problems.

 Definitely watching the birth control methods - I wouldn’t trust pills she used another form and I take extra precautions.

[NotAHero]

 It’s worth updating that I stopped seeing her ( other than outside child exchange )  and no more intimacy. Been over 2 weeks now.

 It was a bad idea and I can explain if anyone is in the same situation and somehow thinks it would work.

[Turkish]

It’s worth updating that I stopped seeing her ( other than outside child exchange )  and no more intimacy. Been over 2 weeks now.

 It was a bad idea and I can explain if anyone is in the same situation and somehow thinks it would work.

If you want to expand upon that, it would be helpful, maybe for you as well. I've mostly seen this scenario on Detaching, but without kids in the mix...

None of this is easy and I wish you the best to get through it...

[NotAHero]

If you want to expand upon that, it would be helpful, maybe for you as well. I've mostly seen this scenario on Detaching, but without kids in the mix...

None of this is easy and I wish you the best to get through it...

 Keeping intimacy leaves you at the mercy of the BPD and the emotional torture that they excel at. All that while confusing them too and causing resentment when you don’t respond to their goals behind the intimacy.

 Tried to go on a date and was left in the middle of no where in the cold. She eventually came back and picked me up but that was it for me. After that I rejected any further attempts to reconnect intimately in anyway.