My son has a child with a BPD

[NonBPDGrandma]

My son is a sensitive, caring spouse who has been with a severe BPD for several years. His child is 2 years old, and she is now witnessing her mother's constant controlling behavior, anger, rage, and manipulation. My son has failed to set boundaries and has not learned how to protect and take care of himself. He does everything he can just to avoid her rage. She does not work, drive, cook, or admit that her behavior is ever at fault. I too have often been the target of her rage and manipulation. I feel that something terrible is doomed to happen if he won't take control of his life to protect his child. I read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it was enlightening. The book confirmed everything I already knew, but it was still helpful to have the information put into a comprehensive "survival guide". I feel there is nothing I can say or do to protect my son and my granddaughter, as she (his BPD girlfriend) has repeatedly blocked my number on his phone and routinely rages at me or talks badly about me simply because I love and support my son. Since he is the target of most of her rage, I am "the worst person in the world" for loving him and, of course, all of "his problems" are my fault. Any support, advice, or just understanding would be welcome and appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

It hurts my heart to hear all you are dealing with. I was raised by a mother with BPD who is now deceased. All the people who have treated me with kindness in my life and are nothing like the people who raised me, have been keys in allowing me to become a decent person. It seems that one of the biggest challenges you have right now is to find ways to keep in contact with your grandchild and son. Your son sounds like a lot of the enablers of BPD/NPD spouses in my family, in that he allows his wife to run the show to avoid having to confront his wife about her meltdowns and unacceptable behaviors. Saying anything to your son about his wife if you do have a chance to have contact with him, will likely make things worse. If you can find some ways to take care your grandchild as much as possible, this could make all the difference in the world in what kind of life your grandchild has now and in the future. Is there anybody in the family who has contact with your son's family who can play an important role in raising your grandchild? A lot of contact is not necessary for the child to benefit. I remember the sad horrified look on the faces of many adults when they saw how I was treated by my mother, and it helped me to know that the abuse I was experiencing was not normal, and that I did not deserve to be mistreated. Throughout my childhood and life, so many people have treated me with kindness. You can make a difference in the life of your grandchild; figuring out the best courses of action could be the biggest challenge you are facing.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi

I wanted to take a few minutes to answer your post... It's stressful to be sure, with every thing we can read on BPD via Google. Depending on genetic, it's true that BPD mother can pass the disorder to their daughter. But, it's also true that a good, stable relationship with sane adults can go a long way to preserve the child as well.

I cannot stretch enough how being validated by other adults helped me when I was young (I have uBPD mother).As simple as a teacher being nice and empathetic, to one of my father's girlfriend who took the time to take me shopping and showed an interest in who I was.

What I am getting at is : as her grandmother, you can be a source of unconditional love to your granddaughter and give her the empathy and validation she will need to realize that she is worth something, that she is not an extension of her mother.

It might not prevent the enmeshment, it might not prevent the pain, the hurt, the guilt, but it might give her just what she needs to become a beautiful soul and amazingly empathetic person, and above all a well rounded person.

If you surf though this forum, you will find that a lot of children with BPD parents grow up to be empaths, thoughtful, self-aware people. BPD parents hurt their children, but they also have good days and not everything that comes out from those relationships is bad. But she will need support and tools to deal with it and break the cycle.

I feel your pain and worries, I really get it. It cannot be easy to see your son, whom you love, suffer in a toxic relationship, but in the end : it is his decision and there is not much you can do other than support him.

I would advise against putting your daughter inlaw against you. That's just me but I think it would be, in the end, better to walk on eggshells if only to have easy access to your granddaughter, to be a source of stability for her, a safe haven where she can go when she needs help.

Children are very smart, smarter than we give them credit for, and they are very resilient.

Sending you peace of mind.