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Author Topic: Bpd daughter  (Read 203 times)
kamalika
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 2


« on: January 14, 2022, 09:20:50 AM »

 Hello there..

Thank you for welcoming me to this site.
I really want to meet other mums and dads who are dealing with a child with BPD
for guidance support and actually to share my misery....

My daughter is now 40 years old and I am 70 year old mum. I have tried to deal with this situation for 20 years now. The older i get more difficult it seems
we have been through so much therapy and individual and family counselling and now i feel i need experiential support to help my daughter to deal with her situation  and also for me best to cope

I am now completely battered and bruised.
tolerating all the swearing bad language threats verbally and in strings of phone messages has been a nightmare

Do i put up with this .. always going back to her saying how sorry I am ,, and that is what i have been doing and like a vicious cycle it happens over and over again
If i am firm and put boundries she goes crazy and i cant bear it ..
and days and days of agony
if i apologise profusely .. then she calms down but is that the best thing to do ?
because she lashes out every 2-3 days as if it is her right to swear etc...

Any advice how i can cope will be much appreciated
Please help !

Love
Kamalika
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
kamalika
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 2


« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2022, 09:23:58 AM »


How do i learn the skills to deal with my daughters bpd
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Sancho
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Posts: 331


« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2022, 07:14:03 PM »

Glad you are here Kamalika. Just a few questions to get a clearer picture of your situation.

Does your daughter live with you?
You say she goes crazy if you put in boundaries. What does she do?
Has she ever been physically violent or abusive towards you?
Do you have any support system?

You will find many people here who have lots of experience and will have some good suggestions. Everyone's situation is different of course, so it is good to read all and see what would work in your situation.

I so can relate to the tiredness you feel. It has been a long journey for me, and after these past few weeks I feel like I just want to run away!

Sending hugs . . . .
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Tulipps

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Common-Law
Posts: 41



« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2022, 02:37:12 PM »


I am now completely battered and bruised.
tolerating all the swearing bad language threats verbally and in strings of phone messages has been a nightmare


I'm 64... BPDd is 34. Your story is, unfortunately, relatable to so many of us. Like Sancho, I've had MANY moments of wanting to flee. The best I've been able to do - and it seems to be working for me right now - is blocking calls and emails. My CL-H has done the same since she lashed out at him when she couldn't reach me. Next in line for abuse was my 40 yr old step-daughter, who was outraged at the horrific burst of texts and calls, describing me and CL-H in language you can imagine, and blaming my CL-H for ruining her mother-daughter relationship. Step-daughter has now blocked as well.

I've been called every imaginable name possible. One day I ran a search on her texts/emails for the words "F-off", "F-you", "hate", "horrible", "bitch", 'psychopath", "gaslighting" and "never speaking to you again". The results were both horrifying and illuminating. 

Intellectually I know her comments are emotion-driven attempts to rid herself of pain, but that does not make it ok or acceptable to dump on others, mostly me. It's hard, but over time I've learned not to be baited by her triangulation or false accusations and get sucked back in. (The JADE rule: don't justify, argue, defend, explain) Letting it roll off feels healthier.

The last time I apologized, it was for remaining enmeshed in her life as long as I had, denying her the opportunity to experience the pride of responsible, self-sufficient adulthood. Robbing her of the ability to learn from outcomes of her own decisions and choices.  I took responsibility for paying her expenses, bailing her out repeatedly, paying her debts, eg, basically denying her the ability to use her intelligence (she's incredibly smart, university educated) to find suitable employment and learn how to budget.

Knowing what I know now about her diagnosis, I would have done things differently in more than one situation, but there's no redo available. I can't, and she can't, replay history. We can only learn from it, or not. I have always made the best decisions I could with the information available to me at the time.

That kind of talk doesn't go over well. Her view of history is completely different from mine. It's skewed beyond belief and everything is my fault. By holding firm on limits laid out over 2 years ago (and amended generously due to COVID), I've "abandoned" her, "pulled the rug out from under her" and am basically "forcing her into prostitution". Go figure.

What she wants and freely demands, is all-encompassing, unconditional apology that covers 30 years. I am responsible for her choices, alleged PTSD, boyfriends' mistreatment ("how can anyone love me when my own family treats me like garbage?!"), provoking her outbursts resulting in estrangement from other family, suicide attempts, job struggles (too upset to focus), mental abuse... the list is long.

I spent a lot of time building skills to communicate with her effectively. She didn't want validation from me. Told me I was not her therapist and to shut up with that crap.

I don't believe it's a master plan to isolate herself and alienate her family, but we're fair game because we love her. She has the skills to control her behaviour in other settings, but is either unwilling or unable to do so with me. She doesn't want therapy, saying she doesn't have time. It's too much work. She's also unwilling to work with a mediator, which is the only way I'll interact with her again.

There's no logic. No adult conversation possible.  I can't remember the last time we actually talked. There is only abusive yelling. Rapid-fire texts, email and calls.

Everyone has their own limits. For me, the timing was right to step off her merry-go-round. 

There's lots of support here for whatever path is right for you.

Be strong and look after you.
((hug))

T
   
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Sancho
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Posts: 331


« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2022, 10:26:02 PM »

Just read your post again Kamilika. I have to say I find the swearing, and abusive words so awful. It is a nightmare. I live with my bpd dd and I can tell when she is about to let go at me - she stomps out, and looks around for anything, anything at all that she can blame me for - then the swearing tirade begins until she stomps back into her room and slams the door ferociously.

Two things come to mind on my reread: first there is a pattern and second you are so battered an bruised that you don't have the physical or emotional energy to deal with the consequences of changing that pattern.

But something has to change - and it can only be from your end of the interaction.

Is there some way you can stop apologising? Apologising is something that is diminishing you every time you do it. Is there another sentence you could use and then have a plan as to how you will ride out what happens next.

First of all, think about what you say and do when it happens. What part of that can you change.

I used to try the validation way, but that only sets my DD off more. At one point I told her I was not going to talk with her when she was 'like this'. I said this a few times.

Then I went silent - and this has been great! Whenever she starts to go off, I imagine a sort of cocoon around me, and the words are bouncing off it. Now 95 % of the time this works.

Why not brainstorm a few ideas, try one out and see how it goes. Once you can hold on once, the energy starts to come back a bit - slowly, but it does.

I hope you keep in touch.
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