I am now completely battered and bruised.
tolerating all the swearing bad language threats verbally and in strings of phone messages has been a nightmare
I'm 64... BPDd is 34. Your story is, unfortunately, relatable to so many of us. Like Sancho, I've had MANY moments of wanting to flee. The best I've been able to do - and it seems to be working for me right now - is blocking calls and emails. My CL-H has done the same since she lashed out at him when she couldn't reach me. Next in line for abuse was my 40 yr old step-daughter, who was outraged at the horrific burst of texts and calls, describing me and CL-H in language you can imagine, and blaming my CL-H for ruining her mother-daughter relationship. Step-daughter has now blocked as well.
I've been called every imaginable name possible. One day I ran a search on her texts/emails for the words "F-off", "F-you", "hate", "horrible", "bitch", 'psychopath", "gaslighting" and "never speaking to you again". The results were both horrifying and illuminating.
Intellectually I know her comments are emotion-driven attempts to rid herself of pain, but that does not make it ok or acceptable to dump on others, mostly me. It's hard, but over time I've learned not to be baited by her triangulation or false accusations and get sucked back in. (The JADE rule: don't justify, argue, defend, explain) Letting it roll off feels healthier.
The last time I apologized, it was for remaining enmeshed in her life as long as I had, denying her the opportunity to experience the pride of responsible, self-sufficient adulthood. Robbing her of the ability to learn from outcomes of her own decisions and choices. I took responsibility for paying her expenses, bailing her out repeatedly, paying her debts, eg, basically denying her the ability to use her intelligence (she's incredibly smart, university educated) to find suitable employment and learn how to budget.
Knowing what I know now about her diagnosis, I would have done things differently in more than one situation, but there's no redo available. I can't, and she can't, replay history. We can only learn from it, or not. I have always made the best decisions I could with the information available to me at the time.
That kind of talk doesn't go over well. Her view of history is completely different from mine. It's skewed beyond belief and everything is my fault. By holding firm on limits laid out over 2 years ago (and amended generously due to COVID), I've "abandoned" her, "pulled the rug out from under her" and am basically "forcing her into prostitution". Go figure.
What she wants and freely demands, is all-encompassing, unconditional apology that covers 30 years. I am responsible for her choices, alleged PTSD, boyfriends' mistreatment ("how can anyone love me when my own family treats me like garbage?"), provoking her outbursts resulting in estrangement from other family, suicide attempts, job struggles (too upset to focus), mental abuse... the list is long.
I spent a lot of time building skills to communicate with her effectively. She didn't want validation from me. Told me I was not her therapist and to shut up with that crap.
I don't believe it's a master plan to isolate herself and alienate her family, but we're fair game because we love her. She has the skills to control her behaviour in other settings, but is either unwilling or unable to do so with me. She doesn't want therapy, saying she doesn't have time. It's too much work. She's also unwilling to work with a mediator, which is the only way I'll interact with her again.
There's no logic. No adult conversation possible. I can't remember the last time we actually talked. There is only abusive yelling. Rapid-fire texts, email and calls.
Everyone has their own limits. For me, the timing was right to step off her merry-go-round.
There's lots of support here for whatever path is right for you.
Be strong and look after you.
((hug)
T