Some positives

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

First positive is W has calmed down some since last weekend.  She is back to her normal level of criticism and nitpicking, but the overt abuse/violence has ceased.  There is some amount of rational behavior in our house now, and some kindness.

I feel confident in the boundaries I enforced over the weekend, and feel a little empowered. I am still exhausted, and I feel like I could use a month away from all of this. 

The second positive is W is exploring the idea of working again, part time, and still collecting disability.  She will at least temporarily feel better having more control over her own path.  And I will feel better not having her so dependent on me.  So if she works and collects the disability, she will make enough to support herself should she decide to get her own place, or should I ask her to get her own place.  It won't require me making monetary sacrifices. 

Speaking of monetary sacrifices - the other day I added up expenses and realized that I could give her 1000 per month to move out, and I would probably come out even because I would no longer be paying her expenses.  If push came to shove and I needed her out that is what I propose - I give her 1000 per month and she take over all of her own expenses and we split all child costs 50-50.  Then I would have a stipulation that this lasts no longer than a year or when she manages to find work, whichever comes first.

[maxsterling]

First positive is W has calmed down some since last weekend.  She is back to her normal level of criticism and nitpicking, but the overt abuse/violence has ceased.  There is some amount of rational behavior in our house now, and some kindness.

I feel confident in the boundaries I enforced over the weekend, and feel a little empowered. I am still exhausted, and I feel like I could use a month away from all of this. 

The second positive is W is exploring the idea of working again, part time, and still collecting disability.  She will at least temporarily feel better having more control over her own path.  And I will feel better not having her so dependent on me.  So if she works and collects the disability, she will make enough to support herself should she decide to get her own place, or should I ask her to get her own place.  It won't require me making monetary sacrifices. 

Speaking of monetary sacrifices - the other day I added up expenses and realized that I could give her 1000 per month to move out, and I would probably come out even because I would no longer be paying her expenses.  If push came to shove and I needed her out that is what I propose - I give her 1000 per month and she take over all of her own expenses and we split all child costs 50-50.  Then I would have a stipulation that this lasts no longer than a year or when she manages to find work, whichever comes first.

[formflier]

I think I missed something.  What boundaries were enforced?  What happened?

Best,

FF

[maxsterling]

I told her I would not discuss her various issues/complaints/relationship stuff until we discussed a serious situation involving our son.  Also was firm that I will not be present for further abuse.

[Notwendy]

Max, it may help to take a long range view and not specific incidents in the moment. These things tend to take on a pattern. An outburst of rage and abuse is a release for uncomfortable feelings. Once the feelings are out, the person feel better and behaves better- but they still aren't able to manage their feelings in a different way and eventually there's another rage/abuse episode.

Abuse is a cycle, not a constant event. People on the outside wonder why a person doesn't just leave their abuser. This is because it's a cycle, and in between, the person can be remorseful, and even loving and kind to them. They see this good side of them and think - maybe this time, or maybe they can fix this. If someone is not familiar with this, they may think an abuser is just a mean horrible person. It's more that it's two sides of them, and the person who stays believes in the good side.

Your focus has been on your wife. She's awful then, but now she's good. Now she's looking for a job so things are looking up. Whatever decisions you make seem to be contingent on what you wife is doing in the moment and that can change.

On another post is a question of "what is the last straw" that makes someone leave? I think that's possibly different for each person. Boundaries are about us, not them. You mentioned your wife seems to sense your bottom line- that is the boundary- the bottom line. The boundary you will defend no matter what. The other issues aren't boundaries but negotiables. Drug abuse? Not a boundary. You may not like it but you tolerate it. Physical/emotional abuse? Not a boundary as you are still in the relationship. Child abuse? You decide how much of an effect this has on the children that you will tolerate.

Boundaries also don't involve talking about it. I think if you could arrive at a workable solution by talking with your wife, you would have done it already. Boundaries are actions, on your part. If she rages at you, don't be present- but take the kids with you as they can sense her moods already.

How to split finances if you separate? I think that's up to the lawyers to decide, looking at both your incomes. Same with child custody. You can try to decide for her- but ultimately that is a boundary set by law. If the two of you could agree on finances by talking about it, that would have worked.

Some people never arrive at a bottom line in the relationship. While the commitment of marriage is important, and one shouldn't break it except for serious circumstances, each person decides what that serious is, maybe nothing is. I think people decide to leave when an absolute bottom line is crossed, not one they can compromise on.

My view from the outside, only reading your posts, is that you still have hope, you see the good part, your bottom line has not been crossed yet. I do think that even pwBPD have a sense of what the bottom line is, but will push the boundaries they think they can. For you, a boundary may be deciding what that bottom line is based on your values, what's important to you - not your wife's feelings/behavior in the moment.