Getting Ugly Again

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello, I am very excited to see this community of people affected by BPD. Our daughter who is now 22 has displayed significant BPD behaviors since she was 14. We didn't know anything about the disorder then. She started cutting and talking about suicide. Her once beautiful, innocent artwork turned dark and disturbing. Grades started to go down. We thought a good place to start would be to take her to counseling. One therapist after another and another...in other words, it didn't work. She had a couple of stays at behavioral health hospitals because of suicide threats she made to friends at school and then would get reported or because of cutting and needing stitches. Then the drugs started to get prescribed. The cutting just kept going and we knew at some point we wouldn't be able to keep her safe at home anymore. She came down one evening after "cleaning her room" and said she called 911 because she had just cut her arms really bad. She had bandaged them herself, so I couldn't see had bad it was. It turned out that she needed 99 stitches in her arms. This is when we knew that she couldn't come back home. We needed serious help. No one could tell us what to do. Our state really didn't have any place where we could take her for long-term help. After many phone calls, google searches, and prayer, we decided to place her at a residential therapeutic boarding school for girls in Montana. We took her straight from the behavioral health hospital to the airport. Leaving her at this place was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It felt like I was leaving her on the moon. She stayed there for 13 months. It felt like an eternity at the time. We missed her 17th birthday, a Thanksgiving and Christmas. When she graduated the program, she was doing exceptionally well. She graduated high school and received a scholarship to University. The first couple of years at University were fine, but in the last year, her behavior has made a significant turn to her old ways again. She has lost friendships because they don't know how to deal with her problems. She has tried to date and even got engaged, but her behaviors make it impossible for them to stay. She has started to self-harm and isolate. Talks of suicide all the time. She flunked her classes last semester and quit her job. Her classes were in Psychology and she said they were too emotionally triggering for her to complete them.  We are reaching out to try and help her all we can, but she is now an adult and we can't force her to do anything. I offered to pay for DBT, but she refuses and says she's getting help the way she wants to(for depression only) and that we are the ones who need counseling.  When we call out her behaviors, she blames us and tells us how we have messed everything up and have abused her.  She says she doesn't trust us and has threatened to completely shut us out of her life. We have offered her financial help, but since we put conditions on that help( for her to be in school, show up and pass) she refuses to take it. I am scared for her. She is pushing everyone away. She is playing the victim and doesn't want to think that she has anything to do with her problems. I don't know how she can stay in her apartment or finish school without our help. We love our daughter and it is so painful to see her go down this destructive path again, but this time it seems there is nothing we can do about it.

[Momsense]

Hello, I am very excited to see this community of people affected by BPD. Our daughter who is now 22 has displayed significant BPD behaviors since she was 14. We didn't know anything about the disorder then. She started cutting and talking about suicide. Her once beautiful, innocent artwork turned dark and disturbing. Grades started to go down. We thought a good place to start would be to take her to counseling. One therapist after another and another...in other words, it didn't work. She had a couple of stays at behavioral health hospitals because of suicide threats she made to friends at school and then would get reported or because of cutting and needing stitches. Then the drugs started to get prescribed. The cutting just kept going and we knew at some point we wouldn't be able to keep her safe at home anymore. She came down one evening after "cleaning her room" and said she called 911 because she had just cut her arms really bad. She had bandaged them herself, so I couldn't see had bad it was. It turned out that she needed 99 stitches in her arms. This is when we knew that she couldn't come back home. We needed serious help. No one could tell us what to do. Our state really didn't have any place where we could take her for long-term help. After many phone calls, google searches, and prayer, we decided to place her at a residential therapeutic boarding school for girls in Montana. We took her straight from the behavioral health hospital to the airport. Leaving her at this place was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It felt like I was leaving her on the moon. She stayed there for 13 months. It felt like an eternity at the time. We missed her 17th birthday, a Thanksgiving and Christmas. When she graduated the program, she was doing exceptionally well. She graduated high school and received a scholarship to University. The first couple of years at University were fine, but in the last year, her behavior has made a significant turn to her old ways again. She has lost friendships because they don't know how to deal with her problems. She has tried to date and even got engaged, but her behaviors make it impossible for them to stay. She has started to self-harm and isolate. Talks of suicide all the time. She flunked her classes last semester and quit her job. Her classes were in Psychology and she said they were too emotionally triggering for her to complete them.  We are reaching out to try and help her all we can, but she is now an adult and we can't force her to do anything. I offered to pay for DBT, but she refuses and says she's getting help the way she wants to(for depression only) and that we are the ones who need counseling.  When we call out her behaviors, she blames us and tells us how we have messed everything up and have abused her.  She says she doesn't trust us and has threatened to completely shut us out of her life. We have offered her financial help, but since we put conditions on that help( for her to be in school, show up and pass) she refuses to take it. I am scared for her. She is pushing everyone away. She is playing the victim and doesn't want to think that she has anything to do with her problems. I don't know how she can stay in her apartment or finish school without our help. We love our daughter and it is so painful to see her go down this destructive path again, but this time it seems there is nothing we can do about it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tulipps]

Welcome Momsense -

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and understand why you're frightened. It's hard to watch someone intelligent make impulsive, emotion-driven decisions. Even harder when you are blamed for the outcome! I feel your pain.

This is a good place to be for support.

T