4 years in and I can’t take any more

[SadMittens]

We have been together for 4 years. Since I’ve known her she’s always had a tendency to split when faced with difficult emotions, specifically abandonment or rejection. For a long time I’ve tried to be understanding. Sometimes easier than others. But more and more often, in those episodes, I find it difficult to bear the abuse. I feel so disrespected, unimportant, secondary. I have my own issues and I’m sure this all has an effect on my self esteem. I struggle to understand how someone can have such little regard for the feelings of someone they love. I have been losing my temper and saying regretful things. I hate who I’m becoming. I’ve watched tons of videos on whether we should break up or work it out. And I just don’t know what to do. I love her so much. She’s by best friend and I know she genuinely loves me too. I just worry that we will be one of those couples in a yo-yo relationship, constantly hurting each other and raising a dysfunctional family. I was hoping that someone could give me some advice in how they handle their partners outbursts, what’s helped in reconnecting and aided in dealing with the conflict.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[alterK]

Welcome, Sad! You have come to a forum where many people share your problem. It's often called the Roller Coaster, and most of us have ridden it for longer than we would like. You are getting along nicely for a while, and then, Whoops! You are being treated as if you were Satan incarnate.

You feel this is the last straw. Then things get better and you think it will be ok. Over time resentment builds up, and it's harder to be patient.

There is no simple solution, but there are things you can do, skills you can learn. The first suggestion you will see on many of these threads is: Read! If you haven't already, go to the Tools -> Books link at the top of the forum page.

And the first thing you can get from the books is help understanding where this kind of behavior comes from. As you may already be suspecting, in addition to being painful for you, it comes from a place of a lot of pain and fear in your partner too. You may find some of the threads on the forums that will be relevant too. Good luck!

[SadMittens]

Thank you for your reply! I was so relieved to have found this community. It'll be my main source of information and when in need of some guidance. But I just ordered a copy of Loving Someone with BPD and looking forward to reading it.

[kells76]

Welcome from me too, SadMittens -- glad you found us.

I just ordered a copy of Loving Someone with BPD and looking forward to reading it.

Keep us updated on your thoughts on the book.

Cheers;

kells76

[Trying2understan]

I have found posting your thought and experience really helps the responses from others going through similar situations is very therapeutic. 

[fisher101]

We have been together for 4 years. Since I’ve known her she’s always had a tendency to split when faced with difficult emotions, specifically abandonment or rejection. For a long time I’ve tried to be understanding. Sometimes easier than others. But more and more often, in those episodes, I find it difficult to bear the abuse. I feel so disrespected, unimportant, secondary. I have my own issues and I’m sure this all has an effect on my self esteem. I struggle to understand how someone can have such little regard for the feelings of someone they love. I have been losing my temper and saying regretful things. I hate who I’m becoming. I’ve watched tons of videos on whether we should break up or work it out. And I just don’t know what to do. I love her so much. She’s by best friend and I know she genuinely loves me too. I just worry that we will be one of those couples in a yo-yo relationship, constantly hurting each other and raising a dysfunctional family. I was hoping that someone could give me some advice in how they handle their partners outbursts, what’s helped in reconnecting and aided in dealing with the conflict.

As to how she can have so little regard for your feelings. I'm going to share an unpopular opinion that many here will probably disagree with.

While the consensus  is that pwBPD sometimes feel extreme guilt, I don't think it is the same guilt that you or I would feel. In my opinion, and I could be wrong, their guilt tends to be selfish in nature, that they feel guilty that they've made themselves look bad, or that they've cost themselves some opportunity.

Just my .02.

[GaGrl]

Consider the difference between sh as me and guilt.

Shame is cultural -- someone holds shame for not meeting a standard of the culture or group.

Guilt is personal bad someone is guilty frog a personal act of transgression.

pwBPD  feel shame much more than they feel guilt.

[hands down]

I’m of the unpopular (yet evolving) opinion…. It’s not what they feel that is important. It’s how someone with clusterB symptomatic traits process and effectuate feelings. 

Which is likely why empathy works. Because on the feeling level, there is common ground. But the way the brain process mean the emotion - turns to poop

[fisher101]

Consider the difference between sh as me and guilt.

Shame is cultural -- someone holds shame for not meeting a standard of the culture or group.

Guilt is personal bad someone is guilty frog a personal act of transgression.

pwBPD  feel shame much more than they feel guilt.

That is my point. It's selfish. In my experience pwBPD don't feel bad or care that they treat other people poorly. Flawed morals.

[hands down]

That is my point. It's selfish. In my experience pwBPD don't feel bad or care that they treat other people poorly. Flawed morals.

I don’t find evidence of this in the DSM nor practical application. To say “they don’t feel” goes against the research.  They feel a LOT… it’s what and how they process feelings. 

[fisher101]

I don’t find evidence of this in the DSM nor practical application. To say “they don’t feel” goes against the research.  They feel a LOT… it’s what and how they process feelings. 

I am having a hard time clearly stating what I mean, and I can only comment on my own practical experience. I have no doubt that they experience very intense feelings. This is pretty obvious. But in my experience, which is limited to one person that I know of for sure, the guilt is more like "I made myself look bad, what will it cost me, what do people think about me now?" This is opposed to "I feel bad that I hurt someone." Of course, this could be a character trait completely separate from BPD right? I mean some people are just selfish and don't care.

[TheBatHammer]

Selfish? Yes, to a point. They’re self interested. Who isn’t?

Often the frantic attempt to avoid being blamed or found out is because they are incredibly hyper vigilant to being shamed, because then they feel shame. And they want to avoid shame at all costs. Shame from guilt and shame from being shamed are both awful feelings for them.