How do I best support my daughter from afar and improve things when she’s home?

[CherryRed2009]

Hello. My daughter has been told by her new counsellor that she has BPD, and that seems to make sense. She thinks me splitting from her father because of coercive control issues when she was 10 was probably what pushed her over the edge, though she has always been a force of nature. She is now 20 and in her first year at university. She is about to go back to the other side of the country and I want to support her without being intrusive.

She has had a lot of confrontations with my husband, her stepfather, and it has got to the point where he will hardly open his mouth when she is in the room in case she shoots him down. I am in the middle trying to keep everyone happy. I love them both dearly.

I would very much like to hear from people who have been in a similar situation and have found strategies to improve relations.

Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Weathering Highs]

CherryRed2009,
The first thing that hit me in your post was the “I am in the middle trying to keep everyone happy” this is a familiar phase and feeling from my past. I spent years trying to play mediator between my daughter and husband, daughter and her sister, daughter and anyone else. There came a point where I realized that although these stressed relationships were difficult for me, ultimately they are NOT my responsibility to broker, and there is not way I was ever going to be able to really do any good trying. I am only responsible for my part of my relationship with my daughter. I would speak to my husband about my daughter and he would accuse me of not doing this or of doing that, then I would speak to my daughter and she would accuse me of the same.
The important thing is boundaries.  Not just for your daughter, but for you and for everyone. When we allow people to talk to us a certain way or act a particular way around us and we do not make it clear that it is unacceptable then all we are doing is enabling them to continue to do so and subconsciously telling them (and ourselves) that we deserve and allow for that.
I also think education and reading is so important for those who love someone with BPD. Being those who have BPD are usually master manipulators they have a way of making you feel it is your fault, your husbands and pretty much everyone but their own. Having proper tools and techniques in dealing with them can really help. After all plenty of parents split, and plenty of the children of those parents may have some sort of mental health issues,  yet doesn’t mean they all suffer as your daughter does. There are tools out there to really help her, but she must want it and work on it herself.
Letting your child know you love them is always important, it is just too easy to get into a cycle of “showing” how much we love by trying to save them and unfortunately they are the only ones that can find help and actively work on it. Give them love in the form of support with boundaries, being a sound board that doesn’t offer any advise (or then when it goes badly you are to blame for that too) and just listens, keeping in mind the things and life you had in your head for your daughter died and you must accept this is the new life course/path for her.
If your daughter is receptive to counseling, which it sounds like she is if she is going, then that is good. I hope she gets the tools she needs. Sorry this is so long. Best of luck.
Weathering Highs

[CherryRed2009]

Thank you so much for replying. It’s a lot to absorb and I will work through it.