Feeling worthless and suicidal

[WhatToDo47]

I have Wifi again. Thank you to everyone's suggestions. Today I messed up and sent him a message on Twitter (Where he didn't have me blocked). I tried to hard and he blocked me. Then I panicked and sent him some stupid texts asking why he won't just speak to me and that I was sorry for whatever I did. I'm not coping well. Can someone just tell me, is there any hope? I can't stop myself from reaching out and it's been over a year. Is he ever going to speak to me again?

Hi idk, welcome back. We missed you! We all care about and support you and your healing.

To answer your question: Yes, there is hope! There always is. Especially if you keep posting here, seeing a therapist/mental health professional if you at all can. Things can and will get better! I can tell you personally that sometimes I didn't see hope, but now I do and I'm so glad I didn't give up. You have brighter days ahead, too. I know it!

I don't know if he will ever speak to you again. He certainly might. Just keep working on yourself, take it one day at a time, and one way or another things WILL get better. We are all rooting for you!

What else is new/on your mind? I don't check here so often anymore, but I will reply and I know many here will, and we are all here for you and rooting for you! Better times ARE ahead and there IS hope. 100% sure of that!

[idk123]

I cannot see a therapist or psychiatist. I have very severe OCD that is treatment resistant. I am currently trying to get into a euthanasia program (MAID in Canada), but I have to wait until March 2023 to be approved.

I want hope that he will speak to me again. It is honestly the only thing I care about. I'm an artist and I just sold a painting for $2000 (money I really need), and I don't at all care. I think I am suffering from severe limerence. I just want to talk to him. I miss him so badly, and every time I reach out, he just ignores me completely. I feel like my time is running out and he's never going to talk to me again

[Zoa]

He can never be what you want or need.  His problems are too great.
Go on line and watch some of the videos about bpd.  They will help you understand how weak such people are and how they project that onto people close to them.  You are stronger than you think.

[idk123]

I have watched and read an enormous amount on BPD. I knew what it was prior to meeting him, and had two friends with BPD. I understand the patterns and the flawed reasonings behind splits and discards, but it isn't helping. I can't move forward, I don't want to. This is the last in a string of horribly traumatic events and I can't get over it

[2020]

Hello idk123. I just wanted to let you know I am still reading here and following your story. Congratulations on selling some artwork. I am an artist/Illustrator myself and I know how hard it is to make any money at all if creativity is your calling. It is a bit of a curse in some ways. You sign yourself up for a life of poverty I reckon.  It has been a very long time since I sold a picture. So well done.

I am sorry to hear you are being ignored still. These people can be very difficult to be involved with. I can only guess how hard it must be being them! There is little we can do to reason with them if they are cutting contact from us. But we can extend at least some of that concern and love and care, onto ourselves.I can tell you are a real, feeling, caring person. That is a very valuable thing in my eyes.

Keep making the art whilst you can. I have been using the activity to block out the misery of my surroundings since the 70’s. It is what keeps me alive. It has got me though some very hard times. And unlike some people, it will never let you down!

[idk123]

I just really can't focus. I can't believe the amount of pain I'm in all the time. It's really bad. I would pay him to talkto me just so I don't have to feel like this anymore

[khibomsis]

idk, hang on in there. It gets better. Look there, you have internet, you are communicating, we are here for you. Somewhere in your life there is hope.
I discovered in the aftermath of the break-up of my first long relationship that I had abandonment issues (abandoned by my parents as a baby). And that my then expwuBPD was triggering them every time. So healing for me has been to go deep into my abandonment triggers and deal with them, one by one. You say you have a friend who talks you through it, maybe do some deep diving into what has caused the OCD in the first place?You know it is not this man, you are looking to him to ease the pain - and I understand that temptation, kept on doing that for years. But ultimately, the solutions are within yourself. He is not your solution. You are worthy. You deserve love.
What can you do to love yourself today?

[WhatToDo47]

Hey idk123, just popping in to remind you how much we all care about you here and support your healing.

As said above: "What can you do to love yourself today?"

Thanks as always for opening up to all of us here. Congratulations on selling the artwork! There are many artists here (such as the member 2020 above). I so admire all of you artists and creatives!

Can you focus on your art? Truly impressive that you sold it for such an amazing sum. You are a great person and have so much going for you! Please don't give up, better times ARE ahead and there is ALWAYS hope!

[SinisterComplex]

IDK, just letting you know I am also still paying attention and also reminding you that we all care about you. Please continue to vent. I am not going argue back, but rather just listen. You have to feel how you have to feel and you are free to express yourself as you see fit.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[idk123]

Would a therapist ever contact someone on a patients behalf? I just genuinely don't think I can get over this without some form of reconciliation

[WhatToDo47]

Would a therapist ever contact someone on a patients behalf? I just genuinely don't think I can get over this without some form of reconciliation

This is a good question. I'm not sure the answer, but I know they would be able to help you figure out how to contact him and have the best chance for success. My therapist helped me "predict" how my ex would act, and he was right.

In the end, my ex tried many times to come back, but I had healed too much and moved on to ever subject myself to her abuse again.

But it all started with reaching out to the therapist and on here, and at first I had the same question as you: How do I get reconciliation and how do I get her talking to me again?

This is your journey, not mine, but there is hope, and reaching out to a therapist would be a great way to prepare yourself for how best to prepare for if/when he does reach out.

Curious if anyone else here has insight on the question.

Thanks for posting, idk! We're all rooting for you and care about you Please keep posting!

[WhatToDo47]

IDK, just letting you know I am also still paying attention and also reminding you that we all care about you. Please continue to vent. I am not going argue back, but rather just listen. You have to feel how you have to feel and you are free to express yourself as you see fit.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

I second this, idk!