What did your borderline give you?

[captain5024]

I'm recently out of a relationship with what I think was a borderline woman.  In retrospect I am realizing the relationship was no accident.  A few months into the relationship her behavior was not improving, I began to realize it was my codependecy that was also a problem so I began to set limitations and boundaries.  She did not abide by them, she couldn't, she was totally emotionally disregulated at times.   

I talked about the disorder a few times with her and she never had an acceptance.  When she was angry, it was full denial and projection...I was the mentally ill person, I was the violent and angry person (as she scratched me, threw things and spit in my face). 

I score very high on narcissistic and Machevillian inventories.   In most of my life I think a NPD diagnosis was reasonable, but through maturity, reflection, acceptance and a heck of a lot of various types of therapy I think a "dark empath" is more my style these days.

While narcissists certainly have their issues, I see them as more successful...being able to function (sometimes very successfully) in society.  Aside from some actresses, it seems like borderlines don't do as well...almost like a borderline is a failed narcissist. 

In any event, I realized my borderline gave me three important gifts:

1.  Without her I would have never ended my marriage.   Ending my marriage was a good thing, divorce really sucks.  My borderline was a wonderful distraction.

2. I ended my codependency with women.  Standing up to a borderline and leaving and meaning it is extremely strong and empowering.  Women are great, I value the gifts they give me...but a borderline is unlikely to function or regulate themselves enough.  My borderline became a total liability.  Away she went!

3. I am good enough to be loved by women.  I didn't know this in my lonely marriage. 

Unfortunately my borderline is the obsessive, vindictive type.  She'll be back, but I wish she was more of the cheating kind that would move onto another man quickly.  When someone becomes a liability in my life they are devalued and annihilated quickly.  Thanks NPD? ;)

[ACycleWiser]

Aside from some actresses, it seems like borderlines don't do as well...almost like a borderline is a failed narcissist.  

I don't know if "failed narcissist" is the right description, but at the core it is a narcissistic wound just like with codependents and narcissists. Only the defenses that are thrown into action differ and perhaps this has to do with the way the wound was applied and how inborn character preferences favored one route or the other.

Borderlines draw supply from enabling relationships primarily, while narcissists can draw it from many more areas of life, hence they are more driven to "succeed"

Usually narcissistic mothers breed borderline or codependant personalities,
Borderline mothers in turn often generate narcissists and aspd personalities.
So there also is the cyclic line of heritage to consider.

In my opinion, a "failed narcissist" is someone who had to adopt narcissistic defenses, but is on the other aware of a core personality underneath the mask that he/she is trying to protect.

[Biggus]

While narcissists certainly have their issues, I see them as more successful...being able to function (sometimes very successfully) in society.  Aside from some actresses, it seems like borderlines don't do as well...almost like a borderline is a failed narcissist.  

The fact that you don't see successfull borderlines doesn't mean they don't exist. You just haven't recognized that many yet.

It's also very relative which one fails in what field. If you put a narcissist and a borderline in the same ring, it's the narcissist who's the lightweight, and ends up wounded while the borderline advances with his/her life. The narcissist is left behing trying to figure out how to win the borderline next time, if that happens. Trying to somehow still win it really matters only to the narcissist, because typically borderline leaves the ring as the winner and doesn't really care much. The narcissist will look at the borderline as his personal source of life and energy, while borderline moves to another person.

Narcissist always tries to one up, much like you do here claiming borderlines are failed narcissists. That habit is easy to recognize and counter with basic manipulative tactics. Give a narcissist a little admiration, make the narcissist feel as your knight in shiny armor, followed by a little punisment, followed by a little attention etc. and he's on your leash. That is what borderline does instinctively.

Rather than trying to one up your ex in your mind (she doesn't really care) try to find healthier and more constructive ways to feel good about yourself.

[Dad50]

Yeah, I would be careful dismissing BPD as unsuccessful. Their unquenchable need for validation can be a driving force. My ex wBPD was. PhD, College professor, on the state board of social work, with a private therapy practice on the side. She was super driven, but it was never enough.

[Biggus]

Yeah, I would be careful dismissing BPD as unsuccessful. Their unquenchable need for validation can be a driving force. My ex wBPD was. PhD, College professor, on the state board of social work, with a private therapy practice on the side. She was super driven, but it was never enough.

This is a great point. Both NPD and BPD can be super driven, but there can be some differences in their motivation.

To fill his void high functioning NPD seeks validation through material wealth, political power, admiration or all of these together, only to find out that there's no real fulfillment in these. The goal is always worth more than the journey, but as the void follows him like a shadow, he's never really satisfied or happy when he reaches the goal. "This really expensive and fancy sports car didn't make me happy, it's just junk really, but maybe I'll be happier when I can afford a jet plane".

A high functioning BPD has a stronger set of values than NPD, and he can find pleasure from being good at what he does. He can be really ambitious and a hard worker. His drive might come from the desire to feel safe, and ambition might come from perfectionism more than seeking validation. Working effectively keeps him focused, and distracted, so he doesn't have to face his thoughts and fears.

It's hard to recognize a high functioning BPD, likely to see it you need to know the person closely. In turn, it's easy to spot a high functioning NPD. It's the one who doesn't really listen to you but has better clothes.