Sharing my story

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well... the story isn't over yet.

We got to 6 weeks no contact. Then I was out of the country for a few days and messaging a mutual friend. He happened to be at a work event that she was at and sent a picture of both of them (not knowing any of the backstory, just as a "here's a coincidence, look who's here). She sent me a message saying sorry and that she tried to get out of the photo (I don't have her blocked because I can't block the work channels and it hasn't been a problem). I replied saying it's fine, let's just ignore it and get on with our lives but obviously it shook me up. Somehow the messages continued and she said she wanted to speak. I resisted, saying what's the point, nothing has changed etc. but somehow we ended up speaking.

She told me she missed me every day and cried every day about me. That time wasn't healing it and that she was in love with me and not her boyfriend. I knew this day was coming and still I was not prepared. We kept messaging for a few days and I told her that she needed to break up with him for this to continue. For us to see each other or for us to continue messaging. She said she would speak to him.

Now she's apparently spoken to him but has told him and me she needs time to make a good decision. If true and acted upon, I actually think this is the first sensible thing she's done.

She just sounds so messed up and confused I feel sorry for her. As of right now, I have no idea where things stand because she's managed to muddy the water so much. All I can really tell is she's still not chosen to be here with me and that seems the important part. I'm gently taking it back to no contact but this has hurt again: I admit, I got my hopes up.

[nerves]

Well... the story isn't over yet.

We got to 6 weeks no contact. Then I was out of the country for a few days and messaging a mutual friend. He happened to be at a work event that she was at and sent a picture of both of them (not knowing any of the backstory, just as a "here's a coincidence, look who's here). She sent me a message saying sorry and that she tried to get out of the photo (I don't have her blocked because I can't block the work channels and it hasn't been a problem). I replied saying it's fine, let's just ignore it and get on with our lives but obviously it shook me up. Somehow the messages continued and she said she wanted to speak. I resisted, saying what's the point, nothing has changed etc. but somehow we ended up speaking.

She told me she missed me every day and cried every day about me. That time wasn't healing it and that she was in love with me and not her boyfriend. I knew this day was coming and still I was not prepared. We kept messaging for a few days and I told her that she needed to break up with him for this to continue. For us to see each other or for us to continue messaging. She said she would speak to him.

Now she's apparently spoken to him but has told him and me she needs time to make a good decision. If true and acted upon, I actually think this is the first sensible thing she's done.

She just sounds so messed up and confused I feel sorry for her. As of right now, I have no idea where things stand because she's managed to muddy the water so much. All I can really tell is she's still not chosen to be here with me and that seems the important part. I'm gently taking it back to no contact but this has hurt again: I admit, I got my hopes up.

[nerves]

So here we are a few weeks later...

She actually asked her bf to move out for a couple of weeks to come to decision: again seems like a sensible thing to do. However, she just doesn't seem to be able to decide - crippled by fear/anxiety/loyalty/who knows. We got close again over those couple of weeks but she backed off the last few days a bit and told me last night he's moving back in.

I said if he was moving back then I would be moving on, blocking and deleting her because the dynamic would be exactly the same as it was before.

So, reset the counter. Day 1 of no contact.

Worth noting that whilst I feel sad, I feel nowhere near as desperate as when we broke up a few months ago. Hopefully this is it, she can leave the country with her bf to go to his new job and there's no more recycling.

[nerves]

Day 2 of no contact has been tougher than I thought.

I keep finding myself wanting to call her, wanting to try to find some way to just work this out. It's the addictive side of it... even over the last couple of weeks, being close to her has brought back all the same feelings and I feel lonely and lost today. I want to go over there. Call her. Hope that she just contacts me somehow (I can't block all the channels so I'm checking my work email even).

I remembered as well that even a few weeks ago before she made contact again I was still upset. Still having bad days. It's so mind-melting to feel like something so good is so close but it isn't really.

Just updating for my own sanity.

[SinisterComplex]

Just chiming in to let you know I am following along. Keep posting and work through this.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[nerves]

Thank you, appreciated. It's tough sometimes feeling like it's shouting into a void so little reminders people are following help!

I did start therapy and have stuck with it - it's been eye-opening. Just some of the things that have come up that I haven't even started addressing:

- self-esteem issues
- ensuring head and heart are showing up together
- almost an addiction to connecting with people
- vulnerability that comes with the above
- sense of panic at having to work on my own life and problems Vs the calm of someone else's

Wish I'd started sooner!

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you, appreciated. It's tough sometimes feeling like it's shouting into a void so little reminders people are following help!

I did start therapy and have stuck with it - it's been eye-opening. Just some of the things that have come up that I haven't even started addressing:

- self-esteem issues
- ensuring head and heart are showing up together
- almost an addiction to connecting with people
- vulnerability that comes with the above
- sense of panic at having to work on my own life and problems Vs the calm of someone else's

Wish I'd started sooner!

Hey at least you are starting now. What is in the past is in the past. Time to move forward. So don't hang your head. No, you hold your head up high and you keep moving forward toward a better tomorrow.

Just a tip...to help balance the addiction to connecting to people focus on studying external validation vs internal validation in-depth. I think that will help you immensely. As an indirect benefit of that focus I think your confidence and self-esteem will improve ;-) 

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[nerves]

Thank you, I've had a quick look around and it's interesting. I wasn't sure where to start with some of this stuff but this is really helpful!

Just for the record, day 3 of no contact was OK. I felt really good walking around the park in the sunshine and realising that again I was free - nobody needed anything from me in that moment and I didn't need anything from anybody else. Felt like a weight lifted.

[nerves]

SC, I did some reading around internal/external validation and some of it doesn't quite ring true.

A lot of the stuff around external validation was to do with mean voices in your head or needing people to like/approve of you/your actions. It's hard to convey on the internet I guess but I'm INTP with a good sense of self and I would say a logical inner critic rather than a mean one. This doesn't quite feel like what I'm working on (but maybe it is, appreciate your thoughts...).

It's more like... I prefer deeper connections with people that I value, and I can be fussy. But that feeling of deep connection, when I can find it, is what I get addicted to (you can see how BPD plays into this). So perhaps this is a situation dependent need for external validation?

It was genuinely a surprise to realise I have an esteem issue because on the surface, even to myself, it doesn't look anything like that. But there's something there, I can feel it and I'm trying to dig into it more.

[nerves]

Day 4 of no contact.

Taking it a day at a time, making some future plans to look forward to and getting back into going to the gym regularly. I found that during the recent recycle all my routines fell apart and all my energy went back into her so I'm grateful to have the headspace back to plan.

[SinisterComplex]

SC, I did some reading around internal/external validation and some of it doesn't quite ring true.

A lot of the stuff around external validation was to do with mean voices in your head or needing people to like/approve of you/your actions. It's hard to convey on the internet I guess but I'm INTP with a good sense of self and I would say a logical inner critic rather than a mean one. This doesn't quite feel like what I'm working on (but maybe it is, appreciate your thoughts...).

It's more like... I prefer deeper connections with people that I value, and I can be fussy. But that feeling of deep connection, when I can find it, is what I get addicted to (you can see how BPD plays into this). So perhaps this is a situation dependent need for external validation?

It was genuinely a surprise to realise I have an esteem issue because on the surface, even to myself, it doesn't look anything like that. But there's something there, I can feel it and I'm trying to dig into it more.

So as an INTP and introvert you are naturally more sensitive to dopamine and have less dopamine receptors. Now that doesn't mean you have necessarily have less dopamine though. However, its just a theory that perhaps your addiction is due to the dopamine rush you get from connecting. In addition, perhaps you have an imbalance of dopamine vs acetylcholine caused intermittently from the breakup (shock to the system...trauma). Again, theorizing...impossible to know for sure, but introverts typically use acetylcholine more as opposed to dopamine.

I can agree with your assessment of it possibly being a dependent need on external validation. That would make sense. When I reference internal validation vs external validation it is more of a point of focusing on YOU being enough on your own...period. You want, but don't need. Outcome independence...you are happy and can put yourself in win-win scenarios constantly and consistently. In essence you avoid the power dynamic of there having to be a scenario of win-loss. So, sure you would like a loving and reciprocal partner, but you are a complete being on your own regardless. If the right one comes along they will just enhance your life and make it better, but it is already pretty good. When you place the focus on internal validation, thus making yourself happy you eliminate the variance of outside factors dictating your happiness and thus your well-being. Does that make more sense now?

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-.

 

[nerves]

Thanks SC!

Really interesting reading around this and the effect diet could have as well. I've had some jobs as well in the past that are very much associated with dopamine hits so I wonder how much it plays a role in what I enjoy and am drawn to.

The point about putting yourself in win:win situations is really good. I've been thinking a lot about that and the point someone else made I think upthread that the only thing I could have really done in this whole situation is prolong my suffering.

It's actually been a week of no contact now. I'm still feeling that I want her to contact me but it's surprised me how it hasn't hit anywhere near as hard this time despite falling back into the same patters and that I'm not driven to contact her at all. More an ego thing of wanting to see I was 'right' I guess? I'm wondering about the next recycle though... when we last spoke she wouldn't say 'goodbye' because 'for us it's never goodbye' and I just can't see her not finding some excuse to contact me (probably to tell me she's handed her notice in and is leaving the country with her bf). I guess it'll take a few weeks though, maybe a month. Trying to get a strategy straight in my head.

[nerves]

The last two days have felt rough. I've had to fight the urge to unblock her on the one channel she's blocked on and I've had her "it's never goodbye for us" ringing in my ears. I guess that indifference to the end of it all is what's got her wriggling around in my brain. I still have that feeling that I don't want her to just quit and disappear without telling me though, even though I know this would be the best outcome. This is the 12th day of the latest round of no contact.

On paper, I'm doing better: yesterday was the first day I didn't look at her work calendar or check her online status on Teams which have just been things I've done to reassure myself. Had a date at the weekend and it went very well. Some other projects I have outside of work have gone well (or at least I've got them over the line). I've set more stuff up with friends and started planning some trips.

Reflecting... maybe it's the fact the date went well that's got me in this mental space. Like the article someone shared recently, it went well but it wasn't the same as being with her. Less colourful, less intense, less vibrant. That's the hook to be avoided.

[nerves]

No contact broken again...

Made it to two weeks and then I had to go into work. I was anxious I might bump into her, checked her calendar and it was unclear if she'd be around but timed my walking around to avoid any potential clash. She works in a different building though and I had a meeting in that building in the afternoon with someone else. I went to it but was a bit late and the meeting room was empty so I had to go into the main office to find the person I was meeting. And there she was.

Throughout the meeting she was just staring at me. I smiled at her as I walked in but that was it and walked out when I'd finished talking to who I was talking to. Then I had another meeting and took myself off into a separate room. I was shaking, adrenaline going at just seeing her sitting there staring at me. I don't know what I was thinking but I messaged her to say 'sorry for just appearing like that, obviously was difficult for both of us, hope you're ok. If you do want to chat then I'll be free in half an hour.'

So she came and chatted. We chatted from 5pm to 10pm. Her bf was away. She stayed with me that night.

Now we've left it at no contact and actually, she asked for it. She says she will resume therapy this week and she doesn't want to be doing what she's doing. We're both to blame: it's like a vortex that sucks both of us in. Lots of things were said and felt during that couple of days. I have no idea what's real and not so am focusing on the positive things I talked about before. I'm just aware I'm vulnerable, addicted and messy right now.

Resume no contact counter...

[Silverdash]

Well done for deciding to restart the NC timer and for keeping this updated. Im nearing day 3 NC (I had to reset my timer a few times too). We can do it @nerves!

[nerves]

Well done for deciding to restart the NC timer and for keeping this updated. Im nearing day 3 NC (I had to reset my timer a few times too). We can do it @nerves!

This means a lot.. I'm back at 2 days no contact and feeling pretty good in general. One of my friends sent me a really angry voice note, not so much directed at me but about her and her behaviour and I'm listening to that a lot. Hearing the emotion in someone else's voice is very clarifying.

We got this.

[nerves]

4 days NC... slowly but surely.

[SinisterComplex]

Still paying attention. Keep us updated!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[nerves]

Made it to 7 days NC, so celebrating that as a small victory!

[nerves]

After 8 days of NC, she sent me a message yesterday saying that she's going back to see her T today which is something we talked about last time we spoke. I read it and didn't reply.

She then sent me a message today asking if I was pissed off with her. I read it and didn't reply.

I feel bad because I know she'll be feeling bad and vulnerable about going to T. She only went initially because I encouraged her to; I used to take her and pick her up. Also feels weird to know she'll be going alone or with her bf.

So, I'm maintaining NC but not feeling great about it. Which is stupid - her messages didn't ask how I was or anything so I know she's only reaching out because she's feeling bad and it's about her needs. No idea how she'll react to the T appointment.

[SinisterComplex]

Still paying attention. Stay the course. Man up and DO YOU! You have got to break the cycle. She can figure things out on her own. You noticed it yourself...YOU don't matter to her. She is using you to fill her emotional void only to dispose of you again when she has had her fill. Focus on taking care of YOU. She will use anything she can to regain control of the situation and you again. Remember that. You are doing good, but keep it up.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[Silverdash]

@nerves that must have been so challenging to reaist replying to those messages. Well done for recognizing if you had replied in those moments that it would probably only have helped her BUT hurt you and your progress. How're things going?

[nerves]

Well, it's been over a month since I updated. Where does the time go...

I messed up and did  reply to one of her messages I mentioned in my last post. We ended up having a long conversation and she told me she had finally decided that she wanted to be with me. We were in contact for about a month until she told me she'd decided she could never leave her bf as much as she wanted to. I wished her well and asked her to never contact me again. Each time I've been less and less invested in the outcome. In about a month she'll leave the country and that will feel like a line drawn under the whole thing.

Currently at 11 days NC.

In terms of feelings - I feel sad about the whole thing. Sad for her, sad for her bf and sad for myself in so many ways.

[kells76]

Hi nerves, thanks for the update.

I'm curious about a couple of things:

(I) did reply to one of her messages I mentioned in my last post.

How were you feeling when you did that -- hopeful, wary, excited, solid, desperate, determined, other ...?

And then as you reflect back on this:

We ended up having a long conversation and she told me she had finally decided that she wanted to be with me. We were in contact for about a month until she told me she'd decided she could never leave her bf as much as she wanted to.

does it strike you as more: surprising, expected, out of the blue, shocking, "meh", predictable, other ...?

I feel sad about the whole thing. Sad for her, sad for her bf and sad for myself in so many ways.

It makes sense. There's a lot to grieve on a lot of levels. Let us know how you've been doing the past few days, whenever works;

kells76

[nerves]

Well, when I replied it was because she'd shifted tactics a bit. The earlier messages were more like "Hey" or "Are you ok?" The one I replied to said something like "I get what you're doing. Don't worry I'm not going to stalk you or anything." I replied to that because I was pissed off - I wasn't 'doing' anything. So, I wasn't really hopeful at the time communication restarted. I'm more hopeful now... still wanting her to send me a message, wondering if she'll get in touch before she finally leaves the country etc. etc. That's the habit I wish I could kick - I still want to communicate with her but I know it's no good. The idea of me being one of these men who pop up and give her attention when she needs it makes me feel so angry.

Her telling me that she had decided she actually wanted to be with me surprised me (although I still think I'm awesome and why wouldn't anyone want to be with me   ). However, given the inaction after saying that I wasn't too surprised it didn't work out. Each time the recycle has happened I've been a bit less invested and she's had to say something more dramatic to get me involved. This kind of feels like the natural result of that cycle.

Problem is like I said - I still want to hear from her. She got nominated for a work award thing and I want to congratulate her. I haven't blocked her either. All the feelings are still there and that 'living in colour' feeling pwbpd can give you. Just trying to get through each day and remind myself that this is a good outcome; her bf will be the one who continues to suffer.

[nerves]

Nearing 3 weeks no contact again.

Today has felt tough for some reason. I left a group chat she was in yesterday since there were some pictures of her being posted in there. Also disconnected and blocked her on LinkedIn (which she barely uses) as I happened to just see a comment and I'm trying to remove the triggers. I know she's leaving the country in a few weeks to start this new life with her bf and I don't know... I guess the two conflicting feelings I'm having are:

Anger - how does she get to walk away from this with no consequences and start a new life somewhere else while I am left picking up the pieces of myself and my life?

Sadness - I want to say goodbye. I still want to ask 'why' things didn't go the way I thought they would, even though I know the answers and nothing will have changed. I suppose I want the thing someone with bpd is never going to be able to give: validation of my feelings, regret about the way she's treated me.

I want to send her an angry, bitter message.
I want to send her a conciliatory message.

I will not send her anything, I will focus on my lucky escape.

[nerves]

Made it to a month of NC.

My T recommended a book called The Untethered Soul that I'm sure some of you will have read (I hadn't heard of it but it seems well known). It's helped me think through some of the things I wrote above (letting things go and focusing on my own growth as a result of this experience) and understand some of her actions a bit better (she's constantly fighting reality, trying to control it and manipulate it so that her old trauma doesn't get triggered).

I think she leaves the country in about 10 days. She'll be working remotely part-time so will still have relatively easy access to me via email/Teams but it will be a helpful barrier. I do feel like I'd like to see her to say goodbye but it's a nostalgic feeling, not a desperate one or an angry one (today).

[nerves]

Just to get it out of my head...

I keep feeling I want to see her before she leaves and this has been escalating, I guess due to the impending deadline (next week is her last week at work so I think she leaves after that). There are a couple of things that have made it a bit worse though:

Firstly, I recently changed my pfp on Whatsapp to a new black and white pic. I don't have her blocked, just deleted on there but I looked at her profile today (don't know why... the things we do) and noticed she's changed hers to a black and white pic. She's had the same pfp for the whole time I've known her (3 years). Probably coincidence.

Secondly, my one weak point is checking her work calendar just to see what she's up to. I've now deleted it so I can't do it without some serious effort but I noticed that in her last week of work she's having lunch with 2 people, one is a friend of hers she hung out with a bit and the other is a new guy who just started. She mentioned him to me at some point whenever we were speaking and I knew instantly he was a new interest (you all know what I mean right?). It's just made me shake my head a lot.

My last actions in this are going to have to be blocking her on Whatsapp, throwing away the stuff relating to her that I've put out of sight in the house and deleting all the photos. I still can't do these things.

My mind keeps wandering into these imagined scenarios where I show up to the lunch she has booked with this guy and dump the stuff I have on the table and walk off. Or then that I leave her a voice note saying goodbye or I message her to meet up and try and close things off.

I am resolving to not do any of this but to let the time pass and maintain no contact. However, I do not feel I have the strength to ignore her if she messages me. I hope she does and I hope she doesn't.

[nerves]

Firstly, I recently changed my pfp on Whatsapp to a new black and white pic. I don't have her blocked, just deleted on there but I looked at her profile today (don't know why... the things we do) and noticed she's changed hers to a black and white pic. She's had the same pfp for the whole time I've known her (3 years). Probably coincidence.

Convinced now that this was not a coincidence... checked it out again and she updated her status the same day I switched my pic and it now features come capitalised letters that spell a code we had.

I know this is more of the same stuff designed to pull me back in. Crazy how they know exactly what buttons to press and when... it's a true art.

[nerves]

Again just getting it out of my head...

She's out of the country at the end of this week and I feel like I'm going crazy. I've had a bunch of important work to do and barely got it done, I just can't concentrate on anything. I've added her calendar back, saved her again as a contact and spent ages just checking her online status... all the fixated stuff. It's purely because it feels like she's reaching out through the thing described above and obviously I've still got a desire for the closure I can never get.

But most importantly, still NC (5 weeks now). A day at a time. Little bit more strength now and a lot more happiness long term.

[nerves]

It's been a while since I updated (a good thing) but I wanted to check back in. Maybe reading through this helps someone else.

It's now been about 8 months since the initial breakup and just over 3 months of no contact. Things are a lot better than they were but I'm not entirely over it by any means. It really does take an immense amount of strength to detach and much, much more time than you hope it will. I still think about her a lot but it's more of a sigh than a reliving and my thoughts quickly move on. I had an intense dream about her the other night and that caught me by surprise but didn't shake me the way it used to.

Some stuff that's helped me:

- Allies: spend time with friends, find a therapist, talk to your family, post on here, whoever it is that is going to be relentlessly on your side.
- Habits: healthy ones. Go to the gym, go for regular walks (talk to aforementioned allies whilst walking), anything self-care related.
- Find things that are the essence of you. Revisit your childhood, think about things that got you excited and find ways to reactivate those things. Not saying regress but I found it helpful to solidify my sense of self after seeing it melt away.

I'm also continuing to come to terms with the part I played in all this. I'm starting to see my own patterns, my tendencies, my drivers and I'm starting to see the red flags in other people and be able to make better long-term decisions from it. This continues to be the toughest part: being able to be objective without being harsh on myself or feeling like I'm damaged.

The trauma is real, things get better x