Lost, Depressed, Trying to Understand my Situation

[Late_Sky]

An introduction of my situation and the mess.  I have been married to a woman with BPD (undiagnosed until last month) for 33 years.  During that time, we have had struggles, regular circuitous arguments, and a generally dysfunctional relationship.   After our early courtship which was spontaneous and full of sex and sexual energy, she began holding back sex and made me feel guilt for wanting sex.  I had threatened to leave on several occasions, but she always found ways to keep me in the relationship by either behaving better or promising that she would get help which to her credit she has always been open to do.  She has always treated symptoms, such as quitting alcohol but had never been diagnosed with BPD until recently so there was never any therapy or treatment for her BPD.  During this time, we raised two beautiful daughters who were the main reason that I stayed in the relationship.

Here’s the really horrible part:  to cope with the craziness of it all, to cope with the sexual problems in our marriage and the endless arguments triggered seemingly randomly I turned to a long history of meeting escorts.  Now on top of my wife’s issues I have exacerbated them with my own immoral and inexcusable behavior.

Finally, after all of these years I told my wife that I needed to leave, get therapy for my now terrible depression, deal with my own demons and problems. 

She is doing the same now and is in therapy for her BPD condition.  The craziest thing is she wants to put our relationship back together despite the horrible things I did to her

I am writing this to see if there is anyone else out there who has done the same horrible things I have done, if there is any insight into whether our marriage can be saved or not.  I myself am still struggling with this – whether or not I can go back to a relationship where I became so depressed and was so unwilling to leave that I coped by committing such sins and atrocities against a woman I still love.  I am torn as to whether or not she and I can ever have a healthy relationship.

[ForeverDad]

I am torn as to whether or not she and I can ever have a healthy relationship.

We can relate to that.  Yes, some members here have had to deal with that dilemma.  She may not ever fully recover to a reasonably normal life.

I would like to point out that her problems are due to her internal issues.  On the other hand, your problems are external — or situational — issues.  It doesn't excuse either of you but is something you can consider.

Whether you can manage to work things out, only time will tell.  Some here have mentioned that divorce is final only if you never get back together again.  That is, there is always the option to remarry if you truly believe the old issues won't recur again.

[Late_Sky]

Thanks.  One truth I know is I am starting a very very long road to healing myself.