Daughter in college recently diagnosed

[LemonTree24]

It's always so hard for me not to blame myself for her unhappiness, and behavior.
I feel caught in a loop of self-blame and sadness. I so wish to connect with her in a meaningful way, but she has so many walls around her we only connect in ways that are superficial-or her
getting angry.  I try to model openness, acceptance, but she is unwilling to open herself up and trust me.  The positive is that she has agreed to and has resumed therapy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

LemonTree24, hello -- welcome to the group.

The pain and questioning come through loud and clear in your post. Wondering if you're somehow to blame for how your daughter goes through life. It just makes sense to be in that place, given that she only recently got the diagnosis.

I hear some hope, too -- that you're working on what you model to her, and that while connection is typically superficial, it happens. Plus, she's back in therapy -- huge, huge stuff.

It's hard to work so, so, so hard to model healthy coping mechanisms to our kids, and to see, or feel like we see, ZERO impact. Sure, I tell myself that "down the road, it'll pay of", yet in the Now, it's painful to feel like it isn't making a difference.

I suspect that the change process for pwBPD is much, much longer than for those without. It may take a long time of your dedication to acceptance and openness for it to pay off in your relationship with her. Yet, I believe it can happen. There IS a foundation, and even if she can't see it yet, she's on a better path. When her brain is more fully developed, which fortunately is happening in parallel with therapy, she may have the stability and tools to have a more positive, substantial relationship with you.

I wonder if you modeling that you accept "however" your relationship looks... even if it's superficial... could help her build trust, that she doesn't have to "fake" having a "deep" relationship in order for you to love and accept her. Superficial may be all she can do right now, and getting vibes from you that "it's OK, it can just be" could be a positive. Just kind of thoughts off the top of my head.

LemonTree24, lots of moms here have worked on the same questions you have. If you have time, check out posts by member WendyDarling -- her D got a diagnosis around the same age as yours, and has also been committed to therapy, though it's been a challenging road for both of them.

Keep us updated on how you're doing...

kells76