Radical acceptance... What does that look like for you & how has it helped?

[DogMom2019]

Quick update, my spouse sent me a picture of my clothes in a footlocker and told me that she was going to mail them to me this week; in the next sentence she told me that she wanted to pick me up from the airport (I'm going to get some of my winter stuff from the house seeing as she is really standing on this divorce threat).  I planned to go when she was heading out of town so I wouldn't have to face her and the blame she'll throw my way, my need to beg her to reconsider, or being emotionally destroyed by her words.  

In my mind, this behavior is off to me, how are you sending me my stuff yet wanting to pick me up from the airport? It doesn't make sense. Maybe I'm too far in my stuff to see what is healthy, is it?

I have been reading a little on radical acceptance and from what I am gathering, it is helping me with not crying all day. That said, for those of you who are still in and for those of you who are no longer involved... How did radical acceptance help you?

[ForeverDad]

It is what it is.

You can't fix it.  You can't rationalize it.  Logic and facts typically cannot withstand the blaze of utter emotional convictions and perceptions.  (Which is why all the logic in the world cannot topple the entitlement of the internal perceptions.  That's why JADE — Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain — typically fails.)

Sure, it can be described in textbooks from every angle but it just doesn't make common sense.  Mental illness, whether severe or less so, is when all the pieces don't fit together.  Looking at it that way, you can see why it is such an intractable matter.

For most of us, the legal system would not step in and fix our problems for us.  Sure, it set some boundaries in place in the form of court orders of helping us unwind the details of the relationship, but too often it takes a minimalist approach, trying to do the least involvement but not necessarily the greater good.  That's left up to us to analyze where we are, where we need to go and how to get there.  If you need legal advice, seek it from experienced attorneys.  This is peer support where you'll find others who have "been there, done that".  Collectively we've accumulated a wealth of practical suggestions and strategies.  (1) Trusted friends and family, (2) solid peer support and (3) experienced legal advice.

[mart555]

You can't fix it.  You can't rationalize it.  Logic and facts typically cannot withstand the blaze of utter emotional convictions and perceptions.  (Which is why all the logic in the world cannot topple the entitlement of the internal perceptions.  That's why JADE — Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain — typically fails.)

This describes it soo well.   Dealing with them is maddening.  There's no point in arguing with them, it won't go anywhere.  You are just wasting energy.  I realized it when I read the book "Stop caretaking the NPD.." and the author said pretty much the same thing (ie: "You cannot reason with them using facts or logic") and I stopped doing that ever since. 

[khibomsis]

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. Expecting her to be a goose is going to frustrate you and upset the duck. ForeverDad hits the nail on the head when he says BPD is the place of unreason. Wanting it to make sense never ends well.

I try to understand it from her point of view, celebrating her essential duckness along the way. Over time I have learnt to admire and respect the bravery and courage of this duck. Mine is in therapy and trying to unsort the consequences of weak executive function. Since she overcame her anosognosia every day is a small step forward.

Like everyone else, pwBPD are different. Some good, some evil, most just muddling along. It is not every relationship that will work.  But for sure you are setting it up for failure by trying to change your partner and frustrating yourself.
 

[Notwendy]

Although this episode of Dr. Phil was not about BPD, there was a family completely focused on a dysfunctional family member. This family member's issues were not getting better despite the entire family focusing all their attention on them. Why?

This person's dysfunction ruled and she had their complete attention. The secondary gain from this was evident.

What Dr. Phil said resonated with me " You are all lost in the woods and looking to a disordered person to lead you out"

The woods refers to being lost in the other person's feelings, perceptions, and reacting to them.

RA for me is to see that a focus on the disordered person results in continuous wandering around in the woods following their emotions and wondering why we can't get out of the woods.

The way to get out of the woods is to take the focus off the disordered person and take charge of the directions. Maybe they will follow, maybe not. RA acceptance means perceiving things through reality, not emotions, accepting that the perceptions can be different.

RA also included grief, because with RA came the understanding that I don't have the power to control a person's distorted thinking. I think we all long to be "seen" by the person we are attached to, and there's sadness to knowing that we can't control that. So the sadness is understandable.

[formflier]

Perhaps this will be an informative example of RA...that I used this morning.

My wife seemed very emotional and "off" this morning...like she had a bad night sleep or something.

Then out of nowhere "You need to make an appointment with a lawyer, so we can go in and they can make a will for us...please call them today."

I was taken aback, this came up a few months ago when my wife announced...we don't have wills and then words to the effect of and that shows me you don't care.

Me:  FFw...I'm at a loss...we have wills.

Her:  Ok then..well you don't know where they are which still shows you don't care.

Me:  I haven't pulled them out in years but I'm pretty sure you go up in the attic and the firebox just to the right of the stairs has the wills.

Her:  Go get them.

Me:  I'm not available to do that now, perhaps later I can track them down.

Her:  (In a huff)  I'll have to do it myself, like everything else.  There are no wills up there.  (so she goes to the attic, opens the firebox and comes back with the wills.)

(If I had a dollar for every time something like this goes on...would be rich).

Her:  I still want new wills.

Me:  I agree we should get new wills.

Her:  So why don't we have an appointment.

Me:  I'll reach out to our lawyer and see what next steps are.

Her:  I want an appointment.

Me:  I'll let you know what they say.

They sent me will worksheets, said we would pass them back and forth via email and perhaps a few phone calls to clarify important points and then we would set an appointment to "finalize" the wills (whatever the right term is for that)

So I email the form to my wife..mentioned it over dinner, she said she would start working on it

And..silence for months.  I also let her know at the time that my plan was to get our taxes done and then my next "project" would be wills.  (so..perhaps March..but no guarantees)

Well..this morning she is like "will worksheet"?  You never sent me that.

Me:  I'll forward my email to you at some point later today.

Her:  I'm not going to stand for being talked to this way (leaves house in a huff)

OK...here is the RA part.  

That's my wife.    That's a very common representation of her "executive abilities".  I also don't believe for a second that this was about wills, that was  convenient tool to cudgel me with (or attempt to cudgel).  Perhaps she is emotional about something else and wanted to "pin blame".  But I don't spend much time figuring out "the why".  It will eventually come out...or it wont.

And here is the thing.  I'm going to get my will and some trust documents done after taxes.  I hope my wife is involved in that, but in no way will my moving forward on these important documents be in any way contingent on my wife's participation.

She will probably come around and get her worksheet done...or she won't.

Can you see the RA in here?  There certainly is a flavor of "resignation" to my fate, very much like hearing that the weather was bad at the ship and the night landing was going to be "sporting".  No..I never actually thought I wouldn't be able to land, it was more like "Oh..this is one of the nights when I earn my paycheck" as opposed to other times when I'm like "I can't believe I get paid to do this..."

Very important to get clear in your mind that "acceptance" is VERY different than saying something is OK or that you "approve" of it.  In very much the same way that you would not say you "approve" of a thunderstorm, you acknowledge that if you go outside right now you are getting wet and if you stay inside the storm has changed your plans.

Last:  RA helps guide my emotions.  I'm on the anxious side (concerned) about D9's weird ear thing.  It hurts to talk so she has been writing notes since yesterday at recess.  Current diagnosis is "ear canal infection".

I'm anxious about a visit to dr with D16 (concussion recovery) later this morning.

I assure you that I didn't give much if any emotional energy to "wills" and all the associated drama/words/huffing/stomping.  Really didn't think much of it until I saw this thread and was like..."hey...an example from like an hour ago"

Hope this helps.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

For me, Radical Acceptance is realizing that I’m married to this really great guy who occasionally gets lost in deep pits of depression, other times is ultra sensitive to perceived criticism, can be very self absorbed with subjects that I have absolutely no interest in, and the list can go on…

I went through a grief stage when I realized this *perfect* guy I’d married wasn’t who he’d pretended to be. However the dark side wasn’t as bad as my first BPD husband, with repeated infidelity, financial irresponsibility, and domestic violence.

In sum, my current husband is a loyal and responsible guy. He just has some issues      But then, don’t we all?