Living with wife with BPD

[flashhold]

Hi, I've been married for almost 13 years, blessed with 2 kids, a boy and a girl. But the years have been tough.
I do not know it at first. My wife would react harshly and violently (throwing and burning stuff) during fights. She also said the meanest things that she knows would hurt me the most. I never understood why at first. But it was kinda manageable, until about 8 years ago, I got a job overseas. Since I don't like being away from the kids, I took the whole family with me. She's also excited with living in a new country.

But it was probably the worst decision in my life. While the money is excellent, she was separated from her family and friends and become quite lonely. I also struggled my new job, while also have to help her around the house and kids.
It's feels really weird when I think about it. I got paid very handsomely but I also become quite depressed with job and all the fights my wife and I have. It's like the fights we have at our own country, but was dialed up 10 times bigger. And after one big fight, I considered taking my own life. I don't know why, but I managed to google a psychologist, and try to get help.
I got fired two years into the job and had to head back home. I was out of job for 3 months before I got another job which paid very little but at least I got something. She seems hold a grudge on me about this. It's my fault not to be able to hold on to such a well paid job and in the mean time she also minimized her role into our hellish life there which also a factor of me losing my job. She also very resentful that the family had to endure this, citing that women needs to feel secure and was mad that I didn't provide that.  During this time I developed more suicidal thoughts, triggered when me and my wife fight. The most difficult thing for me was she make me feels that everything was my fault. If she got any she will minimize it and managed to linked it with something I did and made me feels that I contributed to her mistakes. When I had suicidal thoughts, some of the factor was because I took what she said personally and start to think that she was right and I was useless with all these mistakes. 

After another big fight, I decided to leave her, getting a divorce. But after a while she persuade me to stay together for the kids. I eventually agree to give it one more try. It lasted for a few months before things coming back to usual situations. This was 3 years ago. In the time I had moved on to better jobs and IMO was providing enough for the family. But it's just whenever we talked about our finance, she always made me feel it's not enough. She was like, yeah it's great now that we can afford vacation, but you need to earn more if we want to send kids to college, etc. Stuff like that. And she always low key jealous with our family friend that we get to know overseas that managed to keep their job and got to have the financial freedom that we don't have yet.

It was a little more than six months ago, after another big fights with her that I'm saw this new therapist that my friend recommended me. I was reluctant at first because she's quite expensive. But I don't feel the ones I've been seeing  has been really helpful. That's when I told this therapist everything, she suggested that my wife may have been BPD. It helps me in framing our fights in a very different light, and helps me to not take her actions and insults personally. But again, that's very difficult. I'm quite clumsy in words and actions and sometimes I said things I didn't mean or misspoke or doing things wrongly according to her, and she just explodes. I don't know how to make the situation better. I tried:
- waiting a few days before talking/apologizing. It works at first, but she complains that I prolonged things and didn't want to resolve it earlier
- talked to her not long after she got mad. Sometimes it works, but most of the time it just worse. She didn't calm down and just throwing up insults until she's satisfied and I just have to sit there and take it all
I read about setting boundaries and leave when she got angry. That's never going to work. If I leave when she was exploding, it just makes her angrier.
The only option I have right now is to just take what ever she throws at me and hope my mental health can take it. But I really fear the day that I just couldn't take it. Because even though I know she has BPD and why she's like that, she knows how to really hurt me. While some days I don't let it get to me, some days it did. And that's when I started to get  those suicidal thought creeping back in.
The one thing that keep me from acting on the thoughts are my kids. I consider them my rock that tethered me to this world. I also very worried about my eldest son (12 years old). He's been on the receiving end of some angry outburst from my wife and I feel that I'm the only person in the world that could provide some balance. I can't stop her to get angry at him, but at least I can give him some reassurance later that he is loved. That I love him. Because the words that my wife used at him, I can understand if he feels he doesn't feel loved. But if I'm gone I shudder to think what's gonna happen to him.
And there's my daughter (8 years old) who somehow understand that when I'm in a dark place after a fight, would come and give me hugs and kisses and try to tell me jokes.  I love her so much that I feel I failed her or I don't love her enough if I decided to act on my thoughts.

tdlr: married for 13 years with two kids. Wife has BPD. Don't know how to handle if she got angry at me or my son

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

These relationships are very difficult and it’s heartbreaking the impact that it can have upon your children.

I hope you are still getting therapy since it’s very difficult to live with an angry BPD spouse. Even therapists treating BPD clients will get therapy because it’s so stressful.

Have you looked at the Tools at the top of this page?

So many things, as you know well, can trigger a BPD partner into an angry response. The Tools will help you avoid this. Many ways of communicating that work well with emotionally healthy people will backfire with people with BPD (pwBPD).

One of the most valuable things to learn is not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). When your wife is not at a stable equilibrium, these things can send her into a rage. Other times, it might be possible, with the exception of arguing.
If you don’t argue, then you will not have arguments. It’s easier said than done, but it works!

We advise people not to listen to awful insults but rather to leave gracefully, telling their partners that they will return in a half hour (at minimum since that is how long it takes for the amygdala to calm down). PwBPD fear abandonment so leaving without giving a return time is not recommended.

You can say something like, “I’m too upset to talk calmly about this. I need to go for a walk/help the kids/take care of the laundry, etc. I will be back in 30 minutes and we can talk some more.” Often if you do this, they won’t want to talk. Or else they’ll start up again, and you repeat the process. Eventually it will work. It might be that you need to take an hour or two hours, but experiment and see what happens. The important point is that you do not need to be a target of verbal abuse.

[thankful person]

Hi flashhold and welcome. This is an amazing community of people and they have really helped me improve my marriage. There is so much to learn here and in books such as “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. With the support on here I have managed to build up my self confidence, stand up to my wife and take better care of myself. The result is bizarrely that my wife is calmer and more reasonable. There is hope. Hang in there. My wife had convinced me that she was by far the most and only important parent. I believed her. It’s only recently that I realised, “hang on. She’s crazy. Those kids need me.” Your kids sound amazing and you are there for them which is so important. My wife also made me feel suicidal so I do relate to that. I even suggested we take our own lives together before we had children. My father attempted suicide a few years ago and failed fortunately. But I was so devastated and so angry with him. I was like, “how dare you try and leave me?” Of course he has no idea how hard things have been in my marriage.

[flashhold]

Thank you for your responses.

I try to not JADE, it's just very difficult sometimes to not talk back the things that she said to me when she's in one of her outbursts.
I'm currently at loss at how to protect my children, as she does not have any filter to them too, especially at my son. I feel lost and guilty that I cannot protect them, but I also fear that I try to do anything to defend them she will turn on me with the rage times eleven.
And I don't know if I can handle that. I feel helpless and I don't know how to solve this

[flashhold]

also, I think the outburst are giving me anxiety attack, even when I'm not the target

[waverider]

also, I think the outburst are giving me anxiety attack, even when I'm not the target

Speak to your therapist about your risk of developing complex post traumatic stress syndrome (CPTSD ). Anything that can remind you of being the focus of a bad moment can cause an involuntary trigger.. This causes you to preempt things, ultimately making things worse

[osprey]

 flashhold -

I'm in roughly the same situation. Nobody will understand the pain, except few of us on support group like this. A lot of factors at play here, including that of old sexism where if a woman in a relationship is feeling the emotional pain, that's pretty much automatically because the male in the picture was an a$$hole due no fault to her. Granted there is a reason for every stereotype to exist, you know that it particularly hurts the man in a relationship where the lady has BPD.

I'm not a therapist or medical professional in any capacity. I can't diagnose, or repair your situation, or magically "cure" your partner. But I can 100% feel your pain, the unjust agony you have to go through, the love for the kids (I have 3).

It's easier said, but stay strong. You are a good person. Don't let anyone gaslight you. You said the kids are your rock. Hang on to them. Let them know they support you more than they realize. How do your kids perceive mother's behavior? How do THEY react? If the court (or divine power, take your pick) split you two, do the kids have stronger emotional ties to mom or dad?

Also - I suggest keep posting here. It helped me. Do a short post for each episode instead of simply mentioning them as "a fight". That way, if a friend, a case worker, a physical, the police, the court, anyone really, had a passing interest in your situation, you have a handy list of episodes you can copy/paste. BPDs can be very persuasive and eloquent in speech, should anything happen, all the written materials will come to your aid.

PM me if you need to connect to anyone to stay alive. It's easier said, but be strong.

here's wishing well from a complete stranger on the internet -- take care.
-Osprey

 

[oinoxn]

Delete