It occurs to me,...

[WBoase]

,..that the old 60's tune, "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" is essentially a song for women.

But it's also very appropriate for men who are in a relationship with a BPD wife.

Had I known what I know now, I would have pulled it up on Youtube and played it on our first date,..after experiencing the typical first date lovebombing that BPD women of the impulsive variant are so adept at.

That was 24 years ago. An occasional love bomb attempt still occurs on occasion. But I've learned to temper it, somewhat.

It's not real.

The real stuff is hidden away and not shown to anybody,...least of all a spouse.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

But, wasn’t that lovebombing fun in the beginning?     

[AdRock]

Looking at this board and comparing it to my situation, I would love to ask people with bpd that are still married what makes them stay.  I know everyone is different, but some people are wrecked for years when one leaves and yet there are others who get married and are functional.  I know grass is always greener and all of that but it's just odd to me trying to make sense of illogical things.

[WBoase]

To answer that question it's necessary to delve into which variant of BPD the wife has.

My particular experience is with a classic example of a high functioning impulsive BPD. Of course, all BPD people are impulsive. But it's the primary feature of one variant.

She was 37 when I met her and had several lovers. But none of them ever developed into a relationship. (She thought sex *was* a relationship)

I've been with her for 23 years and it's only recently been made aware to me that the bulk of her problem is the inability to bond with a partner.

She wants to stay married to me and gets borderline neurotic about the possibility of divorce. Yet the fear of divorce didn't prevent her from keeping in contact with virtually every former lover that she's ever had,...even the one night stands. Many of her encounters took place 20 years before she searched them out on Facebook and began a dialogue with them.

I've since learned about BPD women's need for validation, their attention seeking behavior and their complete inability to consider the consequences of their impulsive actions. (such as a divorce from the only real relationship she's ever had in exchange for maintaining a dialogue with multiple former totally insignificant lovers from decades ago.) She admitted that there would have been more, but she never learned the last names of several of them.

She seemed shocked when I discovered it, yet there's no real appreciation from her for how inappropriate it is.

It caused quite a blow up on my part when I fond out and it lasted for a while. I've managed to keep my feelings about the situation *and* her under wraps for the past few months. But from my perspective, the situation has caused a severe disintegration of the bond I once felt for her.

Meanwhile, she's carrying on with life as if nothing has changed. Because in her mind, it hasn't. She notices no difference in the bond between us because she never formed one. She's incapable of it.

The flagrant cases of severe BPD are undoubtedly very difficult to deal with on a regular basis.

But the charming, charismatic, hyper affectionate, high performing impulsive BPD women are capable of maintaining a facade of a good relationship for years, but in the background, when you're least aware, they can slice you right down the middle. Then they're back to business as usual as if nothing has transpired.

It's troubling. They have many good traits, and it's difficult to get a handle on. But if you're with them long enough you will realize that they're hollow. That spot in most people where love grows is a void in them. But they don't know it.

They can't love so consequently, they can't be trusted.

No love, no trust, no relationship.

[WBoase]

I think back on the many men she had in her life that moved along after a very short time. I doubt that they went to the trouble to examine her psyche to any extent. But they quickly realized that beyond the sex, there really wasn't anything there.

Hence, many men, no genuine relationships.