Can someone with BPD really love you?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi.

I recently posted my story in the wanting to improve my relationship section. I’ll be honest I’m not entirely sure if I wish to continue with my marriage or not. I feel very conflicted. I’m very confused too.

Since his diagnoses just over a year ago I’ve felt confused a lot to be honest. Getting my head around it. Confessions made by him to me off the back of his counselling sessions. I’ve also been reading a lot of stories on here and like all of us most stories have the same running theme even down to the wording people with BPD choose to use.

Does my husband actually love me? Is he capable? I don’t really trust anything that comes out of his mouth anymore and I know nobody can answer this question but I honestly don’t think he does love me?

Our relationship like most was a whirlwind. I was 19 and I had no life, I worked full time but lived with my mother. My dad had cheated and left a year prior to me meeting my husband. So my life was literally looking after her (I believe she has NPD so you can imagine I didn’t have a life at all with her). I was anxious and never really wanted to leave the house other than work. I met my husband through work over the phone. A bit like gavin and stacey. We lived miles apart. He was very kind to me, helped me all the time and would flirt with me a lot. I sent him my number which isn’t like me, we would email a lot at work. I finally met him six months after we started talking and we’ve been together ever since.

He was clearly hung up on a previous love interest whilst we dated. Even called me her name one night (talk about no self esteem or confidence to still plough on through on my part

[Destiny 37]

Hi.

I recently posted my story in the wanting to improve my relationship section. I’ll be honest I’m not entirely sure if I wish to continue with my marriage or not. I feel very conflicted. I’m very confused too.

Since his diagnoses just over a year ago I’ve felt confused a lot to be honest. Getting my head around it. Confessions made by him to me off the back of his counselling sessions. I’ve also been reading a lot of stories on here and like all of us most stories have the same running theme even down to the wording people with BPD choose to use.

Does my husband actually love me? Is he capable? I don’t really trust anything that comes out of his mouth anymore and I know nobody can answer this question but I honestly don’t think he does love me?

Our relationship like most was a whirlwind. I was 19 and I had no life, I worked full time but lived with my mother. My dad had cheated and left a year prior to me meeting my husband. So my life was literally looking after her (I believe she has NPD so you can imagine I didn’t have a life at all with her). I was anxious and never really wanted to leave the house other than work. I met my husband through work over the phone. A bit like gavin and stacey. We lived miles apart. He was very kind to me, helped me all the time and would flirt with me a lot. I sent him my number which isn’t like me, we would email a lot at work. I finally met him six months after we started talking and we’ve been together ever since.

He was clearly hung up on a previous love interest whilst we dated. Even called me her name one night (talk about no self esteem or confidence to still plough on through on my part

[formflier]

Big questions that many of us have worked through.

Can a pwBPD love someone?  Yes..without a doubt.

Does your husband love you?  Well..that depends.

How is that for a dodge?   

In FF world, I teach my kids that love is a feeling and it's also an action.  Many BPD relationships are really mismatched in feelings and actions.


Best,

FF

[maxsterling]

A pwBPD's definition of "love" is much different than a non-disordered person's.

From my perspective, a pwBPDs feeling of "love" is mixed up with other emotions (one of which may actually be hate".  I recently overheard my W tell another person that she has always felt love required some degree of turmoil, conflict, or difficulty - as she said she felt some difficulty must be overcome in order to prove "love".  So prior to me, W was in an endless string of relationships with people she claimed mistreated her, were long distance, with people that had personal issues, etc.  Sometimes I feel that subconsciously W wants me to see her "at her worst" to show that I can manage her and prove that I "love" her. 

[PeteWitsend]

Love takes a back seat to their other emotions; that's why it's a "disorder."

So asking whether a pwBPD can really love you is not asking the right question; the question is whether they can  manage their disorder enough to give one what one reasonably expects from a relationship.  

Whether they love you or not, their emotional needs will always come first.  And those needs are endless; they're never satisfied.  So really, you'll spend your relationship caretaking them, rather than getting what you expected; they may even have led you into that, deceptively, initially love bombing you, because they've learned that kind of things works.

[PeteWitsend]

... So prior to me, W was in an endless string of relationships with people she claimed mistreated her, were long distance, with people that had personal issues, etc.  Sometimes I feel that subconsciously W wants me to see her "at her worst" to show that I can manage her and prove that I "love" her.  

I've read there's often some childhood trauma involved in BPD.  Though there's also evidence it's hereditary.

 It likely varies from person to person; I can imagine some people may be genetically predisposed to emotional extremes; others may learn them as a reaction to trauma, or maybe both.  

Abandonment as a child seems to be a key traumatic experience; whether that's b/c the kid was literally abandoned or just had unavailable parents.  That seems logical, since the ongoing fear of abandonment underpins a lot of pwBPD's emotional instability.

BPDxw - I learned this in bits and pieces - was apparently abandoned as a young girl, when her dad had criminal problems, and her mom fled with him, leaving her with relatives.  she hinted she was abused by people around her, and later, even after her parents took her back, she was surrounded by their mutual infidelities, alcoholism, and regular conflict.

It was hard to be sympathetic to her though when: 1) she'd later deny any admissions of trauma or past issues, when it became inconvenient to the fight at the moment, and 2) she was so nasty and dishonest in general, intentionally creating conflict, insulting me, screaming at me, using therapy as an excuse for her behavior, without EVER accepting responsibility for her actions, etc.  I really didn't care about her or her childhood trauma after enduring several years of this hell.

[maxsterling]

If you had a BPD parent, you likely had a traumatic childhood.   Hard to separate genetics from upbringing.

[PeteWitsend]

If you had a BPD parent, you likely had a traumatic childhood.   Hard to separate genetics from upbringing.

pretty much.  Although even then, kids in those environments grow up to be okay if they have a non-disordered parent to show them which end is up. 

[Good Intentions]

Love takes a back seat to their other emotions; that's why it's a "disorder."

So asking whether a pwBPD can really love you is not asking the right question; the question is whether they can  manage their disorder enough to give one what one reasonably expects from a relationship.  

Whether they love you or not, their emotional needs will always come first.  And those needs are endless; they're never satisfied.  So really, you'll spend your relationship caretaking them, rather than getting what you expected; they may even have led you into that, deceptively, initially love bombing you, because they've learned that kind of things works.

This hurt to read. My experience with my 27 y/o GF with BPD is that she does love me (or at least she thinks she loves the way I'm capable of making her feel her definitely of "loved") but that unquestionably her emotional needs are of much higher priority in her head than any needs of mine, and that those needs if not endless are certainly great & difficult (if not impossible) to fully satisfy. And I also feel like I was subject to "love bombing" & "mirroring" by my pwBPD which was her effort to win me over and draw me in.

[PeteWitsend]

This hurt to read. My experience with my 27 y/o GF with BPD is that she does love me (or at least she thinks she loves the way I'm capable of making her feel her definitely of "loved") but that unquestionably her emotional needs are of much higher priority in her head than any needs of mine, and that those needs if not endless are certainly great & difficult (if not impossible) to fully satisfy. And I also feel like I was subject to "love bombing" & "mirroring" by my pwBPD which was her effort to win me over and draw me in.

I think my own biggest lingering emotion regarding a r/s with a pwBPD is frustration with myself for getting fooled or strung along long enough to end up married and then to have a child with them.

I remind myself that I was naive, and this was not a competition; she wasn't more cunning or more intelligent than I was, she had just learned, by trial and error, how to find a partner that would put up with her behavior and be "lead" into filling the proverbial "bottomless pit" that was who she was.  Whereas I believed that you met someone you were attracted to, and dated until you decided whether you enjoyed their company and there was mutual trust and reciprocal affection.  Affection was not something she gave out without expecting something in return; it was the carrot, in her carrot and stick approach to controlling her partner (me). 

Looking back, I see that's why she kept other guys around after she met me & was almost hypersensitive to any other women in my life - even friends or friends' GFs or wives.  She didn't "love" me, as I understood the word; she played games until she found which guy would take care of her needs, instead of just screwing her, and then "committed," and I demonstrated I was willing to cut ties with other women to reassure her.  But this committment was contingent on me continuing the caretaker role.  And her demands never ended, and there was no limit to what she would demand.  Nothing was off limits.  I would have to cut ties with all my friends and family; any relationship I fought to preserve (even with my own family) was a threat to her.

[Good Intentions]

I think my own biggest lingering emotion regarding a r/s with a pwBPD is frustration with myself for getting fooled or strung along long enough to end up married and then to have a child with them.

I remind myself that I was naive, and this was not a competition; she wasn't more cunning or more intelligent than I was, she had just learned, by trial and error, how to find a partner that would put up with her behavior and be "lead" into filling the proverbial "bottomless pit" that was who she was.  Whereas I believed that you met someone you were attracted to, and dated until you decided whether you enjoyed their company and there was mutual trust and reciprocal affection.  Affection was not something she gave out without expecting something in return; it was the carrot, in her carrot and stick approach to controlling her partner (me). 

thank you for the reply @PeteWitsend

I only quoted part of your response, but I have felt the sentiment that you expressed in your final paragraph - that my partner's commitment to me is entirely dependent on my ability to help them constantly escape the uncomfortable feeling that she's experiencing any given moment. Hopefully, through targeted therapy (DBT skills) she'll understand that that responsibility of managing / regulating her emotions lies solely with her. Unfortunately, over the course of our relationship I certainly enabled the idea that she can just manipulate/control me into giving her what she thinks she wants/needs (even if it never fully satisfies her).

What you describe as your strongest lingering emotion is exactly what I'm afraid of - being duped by a now more intelligent partner with BPD who probably knows that if she can demonstrate a perceived commitment to self-improvement, that I would jump back into a relationship with her (where I presumably revert back to trying to fulfill her every desire).

But in reality, if she were to demonstrate that commitment, I would be approaching her with a far greater sense of caution & skepticism as a result of the self-education & awareness that this community has helped me develop.

[PeteWitsend]

...

What you describe as your strongest lingering emotion is exactly what I'm afraid of - being duped by a now more intelligent partner with BPD who probably knows that if she can demonstrate a perceived commitment to self-improvement, that I would jump back into a relationship with her (where I presumably revert back to trying to fulfill her every desire).
...

What you need are healthy boundaries.

You can't control her, or even understand where she's coming from, or if she's being honest and direct with you.  If she's BPD, she's almost certainly not.  You can only control yourself... You need to look at what you want and you need from the relationship, and realize you are not being "selfish" by doing this, despite what your BPD-partner would claim.  Your needs are your boundaries... whatever those may be.  You need time alone?  You want to watch football on Saturday?  You want to see your parents once a month?  You don't want someone insulting you or attacking you verbally?  Tell the pwBPD.  

And you have to enforce those boundaries by not giving into their attempts to violate them.  Maybe easier said than done, depending on how aggressive/disordered they are.  Maybe they'll stop when you ask.  Maybe you need to leave the room, or leave the house and go for a walk.  However you do it, you need to be consistent, and understand they will escalate things, and you have to be prepared for that as well.  

Enforcing boundaries might end your relationship, but if you are not happy, not fulfilled, and not in a healthy one, that should not be seen as a negative outcome.  

[Good Intentions]

What you need are healthy boundaries.

You can't control her, or even understand where she's coming from, or if she's being honest and direct with you.  If she's BPD, she's almost certainly not.  You can only control yourself... You need to look at what you want and you need from the relationship, and realize you are not being "selfish" by doing this, despite what your BPD-partner would claim.  Your needs are your boundaries... whatever those may be.  

Enforcing boundaries might end your relationship, but if you are not happy, not fulfilled, and not in a healthy one, that should not be seen as a negative outcome.  

Abbreviated your comment only slightly @Pete - thank you so much.

I think I have arrived at a state of more internal peace in knowing that what I'm asking for, what I need, is not unrealistic or unhealthy or problematic in any way. And I completely agree that if anyone (BPD-afflicted or not) discourages me from doing anything that makes me feel "whole", and if a relationship dies simply because I'm a human being with needs that the other person doesn't want to allow space for, then you're right - it's not a negative outcome at all.

[rob66]

My BPDex had a mom with BPD who gave her away, abandoned her before  committing suicide; she had a dad who had autism and was never able to even look her in the eye, let alone give her the care she needed; and she had a brother who developed schizophrenia as a teenager. My ex then became a heroine addict and then married a classical pwNPD. She told me that therapy cured her of all of that. But that was just not the case. She also became a therapist and has been doing very well financially, high functioning. However, when her crazy started coming out, it really came out. I was naive and didn't know about BPD. She was not aware of herself as she thought she was. She exhibited all the classic signs of BPD, yet never acknowledged it. She dumped me and I am glad for it now.

[HeWho]

I've been wondering about this very topic. With my wife's disorder, I could literally see the switch when the disorder took over. She looked at me differently and talked to me differently. It was as if the last 6 years didn't matter.  I was struggling pretty badly at first when I was forced to leave the house. Constantly crying and unable to sleep at night. I wonder if she has been struggling at all. I'm not allowed to contact her because of a false protective order and everyday has been a struggle to not contact her. I wonder if she feels the same way.

[Good Intentions]

I've been wondering about this very topic. With my wife's disorder, I could literally see the switch when the disorder took over. She looked at me differently and talked to me differently. It was as if the last 6 years didn't matter.  I was struggling pretty badly at first when I was forced to leave the house. Constantly crying and unable to sleep at night. I wonder if she has been struggling at all. I'm not allowed to contact her because of a false protective order and everyday has been a struggle to not contact her. I wonder if she feels the same way.

Hey @HeWho...I'm really sorry to hear where you've been emotionally.

I'm a couple weeks removed from my pwBPD's final discard of me after 4 years together. We talked about marriage & kids & this beautiful life together, and the last time we talked she expressed love & gratitude for me, but whether it be due to her "splitting" or truly feeling this way - she has communicated that she no longer sees a future with me. So I can certainly empathize with your situation to a degree.

I'm still pretty devastated and have shed a lot of tears. I can't imagine what you're feeling as a result of the false protective order...I know that I still feel the urge/desire to talk to my ex-pwBPD daily, and even though I haven't, the finality/legality of a court order is added & unnecessary pain.

When you ask "I wonder if she feels the same way" I'm reminded of one of the biggest lessons that I'm trying to learn through this painful experience - sometimes we never get the answer to the existential question. And when we don't, we have to learn to accept that's ok. The way I'm answer the very same questions you're asking yourself (does she miss me, does she wish we could be together, is she in any way leaving the door open for a possibility of us being together in the future) is by focusing on myself.

Even in a healthy relationship, it ultimately comes down to each partner's trust & faith in the other person's commitment to choosing to love one another every single day. I know that I deserve to be pursued, just like I want to pursue my partner. I know that a healthy relationship would be defined by each person's devotion to honoring their partner, regardless of whether a mental illness/personality disorder is involved.

Yes - BPD is something that current research suggests could be heavily genetic & therefore stick with you for life. But current research also tells us that there's an "environmental" component, a component that is absolutely treatable & manageable. And if the affliction is so strong that my ex will never be able to commit to seeing me as a fellow human being, treating me as they want to be treated - with respect & compassion & empathy - then why on Earth am I seeing their departure from my life as a negative?

The answer is, at least in part, because I was very enmeshed/codependent, basing my self-worth on the degree of love she was showing me which could be wildly below the level of effort & attention & love that I was feeding her in our relationship. So now I have to ask myself, what is the underlying insecurity that would cause me to deprioritize myself so extremely? For me, I think it has to do with a fear of rejection...

I'll focus on that rather than the existential questions about her behavior, her thinking, etc. which we must accept as completely irrational & incapable of being understood.

[DogMom2019]

I've been wondering about this very topic. With my wife's disorder, I could literally see the switch when the disorder took over. She looked at me differently and talked to me differently. It was as if the last 6 years didn't matter.  I was struggling pretty badly at first when I was forced to leave the house. Constantly crying and unable to sleep at night. I wonder if she has been struggling at all. I'm not allowed to contact her because of a false protective order and everyday has been a struggle to not contact her. I wonder if she feels the same way.

I resonate with everything you just put out there. I am going through something similiar, except my spouse told me that her switch flipped off. I have been struggling since Oct 2, 21... That date will forever be burned in my heart. Contacting her or not, it seemed to still lead us to the road where she is filing for divorce. I only wish that I had done like you and go no/low contact and enforce some self-respect from the moment she started... The relationship may not have drug along with a limp as it did, but at least I would have my self-respect left. From where my spouse is, when the switch flipped, that was it. But that is just my case.

Sending light and positive energy your way!

[hands down]

Love takes a back seat to their other emotions; that's why it's a "disorder."

So asking whether a pwBPD can really love you is not asking the right question; the question is whether they can  manage their disorder enough to give one what one reasonably expects from a relationship.  

I was going to say something similar... 

The love that comes from a pwBPD i genuinely to feel is quite deep and authentic...  but, it comes at a cost of fear...It is almost a matter of their (and your) ability to ride the wave of what happens when the pwBPD fragments and then goes into fear mode for loving and being attached, which often turns to anger mode.

[PeteWitsend]

I was going to say something similar...  

The love that comes from a pwBPD i genuinely to feel is quite deep and authentic...  but, it comes at a cost of fear...It is almost a matter of their (and your) ability to ride the wave of what happens when the pwBPD fragments and then goes into fear mode for loving and being attached, which often turns to anger mode.

Right. 

This got me thinking about the original question further, and I'd have to say that in my mind, the answer is now a resounding NO, a pwBPD cannot really love you.  

For me, at least, my definition of love - true love, regardless of whether it's romantic or not - is that it has to be unconditional.  You would continue to love the person, and care about them, regardless of the conditions in that moment, based on your shared experiences and the trust you've built with them.  

Yet, with a pwBPD, "love" - by that I mean the affection they are willing to show - is entirely conditional.  When you're painted black, whether fairly or unfairly, or whether you even did anything to earn that, there's almost no limit to the negativity they're willing to direct your way, without any allowance for the fact that you're a human being, we all make mistakes, and you've been there for them in the past and have shared the sort of memories and experiences that should mean something when everything's not all roses at the moment.  

[Good Intentions]

Right. 

This got me thinking about the original question further, and I'd have to say that in my mind, the answer is now a resounding NO, a pwBPD cannot really love you.  

For me, at least, my definition of love - true love, regardless of whether it's romantic or not - is that it has to be unconditional.  You would continue to love the person, and care about them, regardless of the conditions in that moment, based on your shared experiences and the trust you've built with them.  

Yet, with a pwBPD, "love" - by that I mean the affection they are willing to show - is entirely conditional.  When you're painted black, whether fairly or unfairly, or whether you even did anything to earn that, there's almost no limit to the negativity they're willing to direct your way, without any allowance for the fact that you're a human being, we all make mistakes, and you've been there for them in the past and have shared the sort of memories and experiences that should mean something when everything's not all roses at the moment.  

Preach.

[sheila_e]

My therapist suggested to me that people love the way they were taught to love; in my BPD spouse's case, the "love" modeled for them as a child was expressed through caregiver manipulation and alternating between smothering and withholding. I found this perspective helpful, maybe you might, too?

[formflier]

I'll second the thought that we all "love" how we were taught and modeled.  Said another way, we all don't know what we don't know.

That's the interesting thing about relationships, someone else was taught something completely different..has different "needs" and "assumptions" and then you move forward through life "learning" new ways to love.

I would like to offer another perspective to the central question "can a pwBPD really love".  I'll say yes...but the new perspective is that it "won't be stable."

Sometime people will say the love bombing is "fake" or "manipulative" (and in some cases..perhaps it is)...yet I would hope we can all reach down in our "empathy bucket" and consider what it is like if when they were "love bombing"...that's how they truly feel (in that moment).  And also believe that when they are calling us names we didn't even know existing...that "in that moment" they really feel that way.

Most of us realize those moments can switch back and forth so fast it will make your head spin.

Hopefully you guys have seen the phrase "pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships" to describe pwBPD. 

Therefore...FF asks you to consider that pwBPD "really can" love you, but it will be in an unstable way.

If you "put on that lens", how will it affect the way your approach your relationships?

Best,

FF

[HeWho]

I resonate with everything you just put out there. I am going through something similiar, except my spouse told me that her switch flipped off. I have been struggling since Oct 2, 21... That date will forever be burned in my heart. Contacting her or not, it seemed to still lead us to the road where she is filing for divorce. I only wish that I had done like you and go no/low contact and enforce some self-respect from the moment she started... The relationship may not have drug along with a limp as it did, but at least I would have my self-respect left. From where my spouse is, when the switch flipped, that was it. But that is just my case.

Sending light and positive energy your way!

Thank you for the affirmations

[DogMom2019]

[...]

Even in a healthy relationship, it ultimately comes down to each partner's trust & faith in the other person's commitment to choosing to love one another every single day. I know that I deserve to be pursued, just like I want to pursue my partner. I know that a healthy relationship would be defined by each person's devotion to honoring their partner, regardless of whether a mental illness/personality disorder is involved.

Yes - BPD is something that current research suggests could be heavily genetic & therefore stick with you for life. But current research also tells us that there's an "environmental" component, a component that is absolutely treatable & manageable. And if the affliction is so strong that my ex will never be able to commit to seeing me as a fellow human being, treating me as they want to be treated - with respect & compassion & empathy - then why on Earth am I seeing their departure from my life as a negative?

The answer is, at least in part, because I was very enmeshed/codependent, basing my self-worth on the degree of love she was showing me which could be wildly below the level of effort & attention & love that I was feeding her in our relationship. So now I have to ask myself, what is the underlying insecurity that would cause me to deprioritize myself so extremely? For me, I think it has to do with a fear of rejection...

I'll focus on that rather than the existential questions about her behavior, her thinking, etc. which we must accept as completely irrational & incapable of being understood.

Thank you for this... Good Intentions! For the last week... I have been contemplating on what our marriage would look like, moving forward, if my spouse decides to take divorce off the table. And in that I could not figure what a healthy relationship is? So your statement about having the commitment & CHOOSING to love everyday, and being poured into as much as you pour out (my version of what you said)... I want that.
However, I have also realized that my fear of rejection plays into my self-worth. Each time I am/was threatened with divorce, I question/ed my worth, despite my ACTUAL worthiness. Your post reminded me of this... Again, Thank you!

[Good Intentions]

Sometime people will say the love bombing is "fake" or "manipulative" (and in some cases..perhaps it is)...yet I would hope we can all reach down in our "empathy bucket" and consider what it is like if when they were "love bombing"...that's how they truly feel (in that moment).  And also believe that when they are calling us names we didn't even know existing...that "in that moment" they really feel that way.

Therefore...FF asks you to consider that pwBPD "really can" love you, but it will be in an unstable way.

FF - I always appreciate your perspective and in particular the quoted bit of insight.

It's easy for us as partners of a pwBPD to focus on the unfairness to ourselves of the frequency & intensity of the negative emotions that our partners experience (which in my experience results in aggressive/hostile behavior towards me), but we also rationally understand that in that moment, they truly feel that strongly. So the same explanation can be offered for the positive displays of affection - maybe when my partner told me "you're the biggest no-brainer decision in my life" and "the easiest thing in my life to be grateful for" and "the most loving & kind person I've ever met" she really meant it! And yeah, I'd trade the intensity of that love for a little less intensity of the hate, but both could be genuine displays of emotion.

And yes, there's the (potentially strong) possibility that the pwBPD is intelligent enough to be intentionally manipulative, and in her darkest moments my now ex-pwBPD would weaponize my insecurities so I know even within 1 person the situation is fluid, but I wanted to echo @FF's comment because it resonated with me.

[thecrusader]

Hey @HeWho...I'm really sorry to hear where you've been emotionally.

I'm a couple weeks removed from my pwBPD's final discard of me after 4 years together. We talked about marriage & kids & this beautiful life together, and the last time we talked she expressed love & gratitude for me, but whether it be due to her "splitting" or truly feeling this way - she has communicated that she no longer sees a future with me. So I can certainly empathize with your situation to a degree.

I'm still pretty devastated and have shed a lot of tears. I can't imagine what you're feeling as a result of the false protective order...I know that I still feel the urge/desire to talk to my ex-pwBPD daily, and even though I haven't, the finality/legality of a court order is added & unnecessary pain.

When you ask "I wonder if she feels the same way" I'm reminded of one of the biggest lessons that I'm trying to learn through this painful experience - sometimes we never get the answer to the existential question. And when we don't, we have to learn to accept that's ok. The way I'm answer the very same questions you're asking yourself (does she miss me, does she wish we could be together, is she in any way leaving the door open for a possibility of us being together in the future) is by focusing on myself.

Even in a healthy relationship, it ultimately comes down to each partner's trust & faith in the other person's commitment to choosing to love one another every single day. I know that I deserve to be pursued, just like I want to pursue my partner. I know that a healthy relationship would be defined by each person's devotion to honoring their partner, regardless of whether a mental illness/personality disorder is involved.

Yes - BPD is something that current research suggests could be heavily genetic & therefore stick with you for life. But current research also tells us that there's an "environmental" component, a component that is absolutely treatable & manageable. And if the affliction is so strong that my ex will never be able to commit to seeing me as a fellow human being, treating me as they want to be treated - with respect & compassion & empathy - then why on Earth am I seeing their departure from my life as a negative?

The answer is, at least in part, because I was very enmeshed/codependent, basing my self-worth on the degree of love she was showing me which could be wildly below the level of effort & attention & love that I was feeding her in our relationship. So now I have to ask myself, what is the underlying insecurity that would cause me to deprioritize myself so extremely? For me, I think it has to do with a fear of rejection...

I'll focus on that rather than the existential questions about her behavior, her thinking, etc. which we must accept as completely irrational & incapable of being understood.

I think codependency has a lot to do with it.  Plus, there's the times when the BPD is absolutely amazing with their love and affection and we believe that's who they really are.  We expect to behave as a non-BPD and we expect them to give as well as receive love. 

I know for me, going through this now - on the precipice of a final and permanent break-up - the cycles she put me through slowly and surely eroded my sense of self-worth and destroyed my healthy self-love.  I became codependent and the more codependent I got, the harder it was to see her for who she truly is and the harder it was to finally break away.

The spiritual side of me takes responsibility for what I experience in life and knows that - to some degree - the way she behaves towards me is a reflection of where I am at psychologically myself.  As such, I have been meditating and reflecting on re-connecting to my Higher Self and rebuilding a healthy self-love and then being willing to let the chips fall as they may.

The bottom line is that all of us bring some "baggage" into our relationships.  Some baggage is easier to fix than others.  BPD is really tough to "fix" and while most of us are not expecting perfection out of our partner, we do need to know there is a serious commitment to getting on, and STAYING on, a path of treatment for the BPD partner and that the BPD partner is able to admit there's a real problem to address.  Otherwise, just like we can't force them to fix themselves, we are responsible to ourselves to establish and then ENFORCE our boundaries... and let the chips fall as they may.

The thing is... most of us are loving and empathetic and so establishing and enforcing those boundaries can be painfully difficult.  Thankfully, there are support groups like this Board.

Going forward for me, I need to identify how I attracted a BPD into my life in the first place and address that.