The silent treatment to avoid divorce?

[sheila_e]

Long time reader, first time poster. I so appreciate everyone’s insights and generosity with helping others and I could sure use some help at the moment.

My spouse left me after four years of marriage. She was angry that I had said her cousin’s behavior at a dinner was not kind…in a text message…from six months prior…that I had sent to one of my friends…that she had read in my phone while I slept.

I kind of thought this just meant she was going through a rough moment with the stress of the pandemic exacerbating things. She has done the whole “I’m packing a bag and going to stay somewhere” threat before; never about something I said but rather, when I have set boundaries, usually around not blowing a bunch of money (she once spent her entire savings on a month-long trip to Bali with a friend whose boyfriend had left him and after that we agreed in therapy that I would handle our finances).

It has been 11 months  since she left and she has been giving me the silent treatment for the last three of them. The first were a mixed bag of “I love you and I miss you” and rapidly accelerated screaming phone calls when I asked how we were going to handle things like renewing our lease. I told her I was open to mediation or discernment therapy with someone new, that I was happy to keep going to the same EFT oriented therapist together, and that I understood things were hard. I also advocated for myself about it not being acceptable behavior to read my texts.

I initially didn’t want to separate, despite how messy all of this sounds, because I really do love her  and thought she was putting in major effort in therapy that was helping us as a married couple.. I thought we could work on things. But I am at my wit’s end now. There is enough stress in my life right now, and she’s done a few days of silent treatment here and there, but nothing like this, so I have no idea what to expect.  She’s the one who left me! I figured she would want to sort things out at this point.

Is there such thing as an amicable divorce in a situation like this? Does the person with BPD ever reach a point of self-regulation where it’s possible to have a discussion? Do they ever file, or do they just keep stonewalling until you file? How do you also treat yourself with love while understanding that they’re having a much different experience than you are? Any insight into what I can expect or experiences and similar situations would be so appreciated.

Some potentially pertinent other info: my spouse has been diagnosed with BPD, ADHD, and rejection sensitivity. Her mother also has BPD and there is a history of schizophrenia on both sides of her family. She moved in with her mother and her mother is thrilled to have company during the pandemic. She is 40 and I am 39.

[BigOof]

Sounds like she's renting too much space in your head for free. Time to cut the cord and move on with your life.

How complex is the divorce going to be? No children, right? Do you share financial accounts?

Amicable divorce with a high-conflict personality? That isn't your biggest concern. Protecting yourself should be number one.

Making the first move is a good thing. It sets the tone for the divorce. Maybe you want to suggest a mediated divorce.

[alterK]

I don't think this is an uncommon situation. My BPD ex (I'm a repeat offender, as far as marrying p'swBPD) was forced by court order to move out of our house. Then, because the incident that caused the breakup had become, in her mind, entirely my fault, she believed herself to be the injured party and filed for divorce. But she would not stop calling me. This was before everyone had cell phones. I finally had to disconnect my land line at night because she would ring and ring.

Fortunately, I was not seriously tempted. Her behavior--much of it alcohol-related--had gotten so out of control that I knew I would never want to get back together with her. Did I still love her at that point? Yes. Did I pity her for how unhappy she was? Yes. But it was totally clear that, should we try again to live together things would be intolerable.

To answer one of your questions, in my case at least, there was no chance of a reasonable discussion or an amicable separation. Partly because there were real issues regarding the terms of separation on which we totally disagreed, partly because we simply were unable to negotiate calmly. Partly because she had a big family who all were convinced that roasting in hell would be too good for me. I understood less about this stuff than I do now, and I was not always behaving optimally either. The lawyers made money and neither of us was happy with the judge's decisions.

What can you do? You owe it to yourself to do whatever you can to keep your nose above water. Your spouse is likely to respond to this negatively, which is probably no different from what she did when you were together. No matter how kind you try to be, your attempts aren't likely to be validated by her. Not a comfortable situation, but you are entitled to do what you need to in order to survive emotionally.

[sheila_e]

Amicable divorce with a high-conflict personality? That isn't your biggest concern. Protecting yourself should be number one.

Making the first move is a good thing. It sets the tone for the divorce. Maybe you want to suggest a mediated divorce.

Thanks for your feedback. I am trying to protect myself in the sense that I don’t want to serve a high-conflict personality papers (I know it’s just certified mail and not a process server)  when they are in an environment where disordered behavior is bolstered by a BPD parent who had her own messy divorce and seemed to love every minute of it. But any other outcome requires communication. And communication is not possible when one is receiving the silent treatment. I have suggested a mediated divorce. No response. No kids but as I said I handle our finances, after reading enough posts here that is headache enough.

[sheila_e]

What can you do? You owe it to yourself to do whatever you can to keep your nose above water. Your spouse is likely to respond to this negatively, which is probably no different from what she did when you were together. No matter how kind you try to be, your attempts aren't likely to be validated by her. Not a comfortable situation, but you are entitled to do what you need to in order to survive emotionally.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your own divorce experience. Happy lawyers and an endless ordeal is an outcome I would very much like to avoid. Your ex’s family sounds a lot like my ex’s family. Did she tell you she was filing, or did she just do it?

[alterK]

Have you read Bill Eddy's book "Splitting," on divorcing a high-conflict person? I recommend it, if you haven't. According to him, there are lawyers (at least in big cities!) who specialize in this kind of thing. Maybe you would be best off spending some bucks up front and getting some advice from someone who can help you with possible strategies.

Are there property or financial issues involved? Do you have a prenuptial agreement? You are wise not to want a protracted divorce battle. You will find personal support and encouragement here, and advice on how to protect yourself emotionally, but a divorce is a dissolution of a legal contract. Every state's laws are different.

I am not trying to sound cold-blooded. But to get specific advice on how to minimize conflict in a situation like this you may need an expert.

[healthfreedom4s]

I read somewhere that - pwBPD generally won't take the first step for divorce. When the partner takes the first step, pwBPD would blame the partner for the divorce. That goes in alignment with their tendency to blame the partner for everything.

[sheila_e]

Have you read Bill Eddy's book "Splitting," on divorcing a high-conflict person? I recommend it, if you haven't. According to him, there are lawyers (at least in big cities!) who specialize in this kind of thing. Maybe you would be best off spending some bucks up front and getting some advice from someone who can help you with possible strategies.

I am not trying to sound cold-blooded. But to get specific advice on how to minimize conflict in a situation like this you may need an expert.

I am halfway through "Splitting" and it's helpful/I've spoken to a few lawyers about that side of things. I am here seeking insight from anyone who has been in a similar situation, especially anyone who has had their partner with BPD use the silent treatment/go no contact for a prolonged period of time. Not here on how the legal process works, rather on how it works to interact with someone with BPD who has decided they don't want to be married anymore, but seem to have no inclination towards actually filing for divorce/following through on mediation.

[sheila_e]

I read somewhere that - pwBPD generally won't take the first step for divorce. When the partner takes the first step, pwBPD would blame the partner for the divorce. That goes in alignment with their tendency to blame the partner for everything.

This is very helpful and sounds about right. Thank you!

[alterK]

I would modify that a little. A pwBPD may take the first step toward divorce, but they will probably insist it's your fault. They'll claim you were impossible to live with, cruel, abusive, whatever, and so they had no choice but to divorce you. All their relatives, friends, therapists, lawyers told them they had to do it.

Generally speaking, you can't expect a person like this to help you with problem solving. They have limited resources in this area. They are so preoccupied with avoiding blame that 99% of their energy goes into blaming you.

[ForeverDad]

As the last year of my marriage - little did I know it was my last - wound down, my ex multiple times threatened to divorce me and disappear with our toddler -> preschooler.  She thought we'd be late (we weren't) to the most important religious event of the spring, so she had to vent that she would divorce me, after we arrived a little early.  And so on.

The marriage was on a path and nothing I could do diverted it.  She did nothing for the first few months but it turned out that she filed for child support one day before I filed for divorce, our petitions passed each other in the mail.  Her petition was merged into the divorce.  I was listed as petitioner and it felt strange that one of her lawyer's questions had been, "Do you want her back?"  Good thing I answered, "Not the way she is" because as I look back I think he would have turned to the magistrate and claimed, "Look, he wants her back to control her again!"

If there are no children from the marriage then a lot of the potential conflict (for custody and parenting schedule) doesn't exist.  Still, the will be some conflict and blaming, perhaps foot dragging.  Keep it limited to the legal stuff, unwinding the marital accounts, assets and debts.

Probably best not to say too much going forward since almost anything is likely to trigger her.  She will do what she will choose to do, let her follow her own path, whatever it is.

As for you, beware of being too overly nice or overly fair.  People with BPD (pwBPD) will take advantage of our niceness and fairness and not reciprocate in kind.  If no children, deal with this virtually as you would with unwinding a business merger.  Let your head (logic) lead, your heart will eventually catch up.