Depressed, exhausted, in love. Conflicted about leaving.

[hh2]

Hi. I just made the account and its my first post here. It's a pity I didn't find the forum earlier.
I'm in a 2 year old relationship, we're both in early 20s. I struggle with severe depression and social anxiety, and I think the reason why I'm not getting better, while in therapy and being medicated, is this relationship. My girlfriend is also taking meds and attending therapy for a long time now.
I would say her bpd is quite well managed. There's no physical or verbal aggression, there's just a lot of crying, not communicating when I ask what's wrong and expectations of me to do better and better. I've really tried. I feel like I've given my everything for this relationship and it's leaving me dry. I spend a whole lot of time being anxious and worrying about her, what would happen today, what could be the reason of a breakdown this time. I have developed a defense mechanism where I get annoyed and angry when a breakdown happens and it's just hurting her.
I feel out of power to continue but at the same time I don't want to give up everything we build in these 2 years. I really care about her, all I feel is love towards her, but the second something happens I feel resentment and want to get out of this. I feel like I'm not the right person to deal with it and she can have someone stronger and able to support her. I'm exhausted. My therapist also feels resigned and is wary that we're just stuck in a limbo where we keep hurting each other.
I'm exhausted. She's very keen on trying and changing so that I can feel better but I honestly don't think that's what I need. I think I need out.
I wonder if going to see her therapist together would make it easier for her. She's desperately clinging on and is making a lot of promises to get better. I think we all know it's not going to.
I don't know what to do. I worry she's going to hurt herself once I leave. I'm really scared and anxious and I feel like I'm trapped.

[BigOof]

If you were to get out, what would be the steps? Do you have a place to go? How do you feel when you're not around her? Have you done some self-care recently?

[ForeverDad]

You're not married, apparently no children together as well?  So you have no legal impediments to ending the relationship, just the BF/GF relationship.  And yes, that is still a huge matter.  But at least potential complications are reduced.

I would caution that until you know whether or not this friendship will last, please be the one ensuring birth control.  The last thing you need is to find out you'll be a father and the rest of your life parenting with a person who has issues you find hard to deal with.

[Cat Familiar]

From someone who hung on at your age, hoping it would get better, I’ll tell your up front—it won’t. Not unless she makes a concerted effort to do DBT therapy, a commitment which could take years and that few people with BPD are willing to make.

Right now it’s easy for you to end the relationship. It won’t be a few years down the road, especially if you have kids.

[finallyout]

I would caution that until you know whether or not this friendship will last, please be the one ensuring birth control.  The last thing you need is to find out you'll be a father and the rest of your life parenting with a person who has issues you find hard to deal with.

This is very important! If she could sense that you might leave the relationship, she would do anything to keep you in! Getting pregnant is just one thing she might do. So if you decided to leave, secrecy is your best option. Don't let her know that you are leaving. Consider your options, plan well and leave. After that you can tell her. This is in my opinion the cleanest way to end a relationship with someone with BPD.

On the other hand, if you decided to stay, you should know that this situation will not get better. Most probably, it is going to get worse. So you have to "manage" her for the rest of your life. Maybe it is worth spending some time here, posting and reading others stories.

Good luck!