A bombshell, venting, cheating, disgust, I hate BPD

[WhatToDo47]

Those are very good points, Notwendy. From day 1, we’ve always had a clear boundary that if one of us cheats, it’s over. That’s something that’s very important to me. Our deal was that we could and would work through anything, except cheating. Even now, when she calls me and I tell her I’m upset she left, she reminds me over and over “I never cheated on you.” Aka cheating was our deal breaker and I didn’t do it so take me back.

I could have cheated on her plenty. Never did, because I valued the relationship and honesty more.

I live by my values, and I’m a very disciplined person. Usually, I have no problem enforcing my boundaries.

I guess this is where the rubber meets the road. I have no choice but to consider if I will stand firm or cave.

Do you think I should confront her about what I know and see what she says? Will that help anything?
Guessing no but I would value some insight and wisdom.

[Notwendy]

My only parallel experience to lying like this is with my BPD mother. We don't imagine our mothers lying to us, I mean motherhood is such a valued relationship in our cultures- we assume that our mothers are being truthful.

I recall the moment I realized that she lies to me. Shock, disbelief, and then, yes, realizing this is what she does. Not just one time. A lot.

You know, people do  hurtful things sometimes, maybe on purpose, maybe not. But if we want to repair a relationship, it starts with a sincere apology and this is one thing my BPD mother isn't able to do. I think the process of denial and projection is strong, and perhaps admitting something causes too much shame? What she tends to do is to re-write history- it didn't happen, and if to her, it didn't happen, she expects us to also go along with that. Like a dry erase board.

I don't think resentment is helpful though. I think it's more about what we call radical acceptance. If someone lies, or cheats, we need to determine how we respond to that. Once I realized the extent of my mother's lying, that influenced how I saw the relationship. I can't trust her. I don't know if what she tells me is true or not. I wish I could have that kind of trust, but if she lies, then, I can't trust her. D

If you know your wife cheated, and she's telling you, or pretending she didn't- then I don't think confronting her is going to change that for you. If cheating is your boundary, then that's what it is. She may act like you are doing something to her by acting on your boundary, but it's not as much about her as you. If your boundary is to not be in a relationship with someone who cheats, then your actions are clear to you.

Resenting her, making her wrong, that won't help you. You might even feel sorry for her that she feels she has to do this, but it's really more about what you wish to tolerate and what not.

[WhatToDo47]

Thanks Notwendy,

That’s very helpful and it’s actually helpful that your relationship is with your mom, because I wouldn’t tolerate my wife’s behavior from anyone else in my life, why should she get a free pass just because she’s her?

You’ve given me a lot to think about. I think I have to accept this is who she really is and probably always will be unless she undergoes years of intense therapy, and I can’t see her doing that at present.

It’s just such a disappointing and sad feeling. I poured so much love into her and our relationship and now I can see she just didn’t, or more accurately couldn’t, ever care about me or our marriage in the same way I did.

It hurts, it’s lonely, but it’s reality.

[Notwendy]

 I think there's grief with acceptance of the situation. These are not easy choices.

[WhatToDo47]

I think there's grief with acceptance of the situation. These are not easy choices.

You are correct and that’s well said. Not easy choices at all, and inaction is also a choice, one that I don’t think I can afford to make for too much longer. Thank you for all your wisdom and help.