Having a Hard Time with Acceptance

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Divorced from NPD/BPD for over 5 years. Had been married for around 20 years. We have 2 children (D17 and D10). I was diagnosed with PTSD from abuse prior to our divorce. I still see a trauma therapist.

Over two years ago he moved out of state by choice (800 miles one way) with his girlfriend and her child. He refused to have the 50/50 parenting plan changed and wanted the children to fly back and forth every few months. I disagreed in that it's not good for the kids. When he moved, he dropped off all their belongings with me including their toiletries. I contacted my attorney back then to get the parenting plan changed and to help figure all this out. He missed a major holiday with our kids since he didn't have room for them at his rental. Few months later he moved to another house where he did have room. By then we couldn't agree on the next major holiday travel arrangements. We did come to an agreement for that first summer break which worked out, surprisingly. But now for future summer breaks, he wants them from the day school gets out to the day before school resumes. I won't agree to that.

Our attorneys had several settlement conferences and he didn't show up to either one. It's gotten to the point where we now have a hearing scheduled for the end of this year to get this resolved. So it's been over two years now. In the meantime, he has attempted to send child support which I acknowledge. Our attorneys calculated that he's way short of what he owes. He says he can't afford what he owes and is asking for a reduction which is part of the hearing. During this time, it's been a struggle agreeing on travel times and cost split. On the last major holiday, we finally came to an agreement on travel dates. Long story short, I paid for the return flight and he paid for the other flight. He then took money out of child support to pay for his tickets after I paid for the return flight. I didn't agree to that. So in a way I ended up paying for the majority of the flights. It's not new behavior either. He takes money out of child support on a somewhat regular basis when he believes I owe him money for something.  Plus I'm still paying him spousal maintenance because that is court ordered since I make more than he does.

Now he tells me that he's moving to another state, even farther away (over 1500 miles away). The cost of tickets round trip is now 3x of what they were when he lived in the other state. While I'm fortunate I can probably afford it, I feel angry about this. He moves about every 2 years whether in the same city or another state. Since we've been divorced, he's moved 5 times and now this will be #6. Meanwhile I've been in the same house since the divorce. Why should I have to pay for the majority of the travel expenses when he is the one who chooses to move every couple of years? If he can't afford child support now, it's unlikely he can afford these flights. So does that force me to take on the extra financial burden?

Finding direct flights now is very difficult and unlikely. For the upcoming Spring Break in March, there are no direct flights from here or from the next major city nearby which is at least a 2 hour drive one way to that airport. Since our oldest is 17, most airlines treat her as an adult. So it's unlikely we can get unattended minor assistance from the airlines. When he first moved out of state, he would drive here to pick them up and drive back to drop them off. They've only flown by themselves once so far and it was a direct flight. What happens if they miss their flight in the connecting city? Will I have to now fly with them at least part of the way? Just thinking of the logistics makes my head hurt. I hate driving and I hate traveling. I really do not want to drive even half way. The halfway point is a 13 hour drive one way. I'd have to take time off of work not to mention dealing with hotels and all that stuff that comes with it. It's stressful.

I feel frustrated and angry about the extra emotional, mental, financial, and logistical burden this puts on me because he decides to move on a whim every couple of years. I already feel overwhelmed by everything else going on in my life. Parenting during a pandemic is hard enough. I also have a full time job and a needy parent nearby that I am dealing with. This is another burden I didn't ask for. I know that's part of life. Doesn't mean I have to like it but I guess I need to find a way to deal with it / accept it somehow.  It feels like I'm the only responsible one here and I'll be the one paying for it all. When he doesn't get his way, he basically throws a tantrum calling me names and hurling every insult he can think of which is all documented. I do my best to BIFF which seems to infuriate him even more but I try to stick to it for my own sanity.

At this point, his behavior is not a surprise.  I'm not sure why I feel so angry when none of this is really a surprise.  Maybe it's because I feel that the courts probably won't care that he refused to get the parenting plan changed, he refused to attend the settlement conferences to at least try to come to an agreement, he forces me to pay for the majority of expenses by deducting money from child support, his communications are abusive, and that I'm supposed to take the high road and do what he wants so he can see the kids even though at times it would violate my boundaries and mental health. If feels like he does what he wants and will get away with it with little to no repercussions.

I'm not sure how to deal with this anymore. He is who he is and its unlikely his behavior will change for the better. I understand the NPD and BPD traits and all that. It doesn't make it less aggravating to deal with at times like this. It feels like I had just adjusted to and accepted the first out of state move and now this one pops up and it's further away. For me, it's another big adjustment and I'm struggling to accept it.

Maybe I just need time and I feel like I'm not being given time to adjust again with Spring Break coming up. I don't do well with "make a decision now". I need time to process and think things through at least somewhat. Not sure if that's part of my hypervigilance or what.

[Bch42]

This sounds like a bad situation. One of the things I am struck by is his refusal to adhere to agreements, And the lack of consequences for him. He’s like a child.

Sounds like you’re in a place where you have zero control. You can’t control his behavior, but you can work to ensure there are consequences for his behavior. Which is really more of a legal issue than it is you adjusting something you’re doing.

To me it sounds like you need a new or different or better lawyer. Because when people refuse to pay or mess with child support, courts take this very seriously.

They garnish wages, seize bank accounts,etc.

If you could find a way for the law to start working for you, and have some consequences for his actions, this would be a big relief for you. That would allow you to distance yourself from him. You need a break!

[Cat Familiar]

To me it sounds like you need a new or different or better lawyer. Because when people refuse to pay or mess with child support, courts take this very seriously.

They garnish wages, seize bank accounts,etc.

If you could find a way for the law to start working for you, and have some consequences for his actions, this would be a big relief for you. That would allow you to distance yourself from him. You need a break!

Totally agree. If he cannot afford to pay agreed upon child support, he cannot afford to pay for their flights, and he is the one who moved, I don’t see how a court would rule in his favor.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thank you. Right now the change in child support isn't court ordered yet. The current parenting plan is 50/50 which didn't take into account his moving out of state. So when he lived here, his child support payments were very minimal. Having moved out of state, the attorneys calculated he owes a LOT more now.  We have a hearing coming up for all of this including getting the change in child support court ordered. He also wants a reduction in what he owes since he says he can't afford it.

[healthfreedom4s]

I am in a similar situation with my pwBPD spouse, involving kids. I feel your distress and pain. I see that you are stable and have great clarity of mind.
I have no specific suggestions for your situation but I am sure that you would overcome it. Please give yourself some time to process. You can try journaling the options that you have and the different courses it could take with your spouse. That may clear up your mind and give clarity. I will pray for you.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thank you. I'm sorry to hear you're going through something similar. I will try journaling, giving it some time, and talking about it with my therapist. 

[ForeverDad]

My understanding is that the paying parent can't deduct from the court ordered amount.  Especially if the other parent doesn't agree.

However, almost anything can happen in a court hearing.  It's so sad it has taken this long waiting for court to do something.

FYI, just because your oldest is about to age out of the system doesn't mean the court will ignore remedies for either child.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thanks. The court hasn't ordered him to pay the larger amount yet. When he moved out of state, he refused to get a modification to the current parenting plan going which would have included the change in child support. So we're still on the 50/50 parenting plan which states he pays a very minimal amount in child support.  I suspect he did this so he wouldn't be forced to pay the larger amount and that he would just pay what he felt like paying. It does suck that we have to wait until the end of the year for a hearing. The court system here is backed up.

[ForeverDad]

In my family court the retroactive amounts ordered were only effective back to when the motion was filed, not back to when the inequity started. So while your case is pending, the difference between old order and new order is probably accumulating... once you filed.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thanks for the info. I'm pretty sure my attorney's office filed fairly quickly after he moved the first time. I'll ask my attorney about it next chance I get just in case. 

[I_Am_The_Fire]

So now he says I should pay more for the flights because I can afford it. o.m.g.. it just boggles my mind still... the entitlement is strong with him...

[Cat Familiar]

How did you respond?

[GaGrl]

How old are your children, and what are their preferences regarding visits?

[I_Am_The_Fire]

The kids are ages 17 and 10. This would be their second time flying by themselves. The first time was a direct flight. So far there are no direct flights now. I responded that I was willing to pay x amount with some stipulations such as if there are no direct flights then I'd be willing to pay for unattended minor services. He responded that he's looking into flights. This was after he went off that if I hadn't divorced him, none of this would have happened. Therefore it's my fault and I should pay more. The kids say they would like to see their dad which is fine. They really don't seem to care either way, though. When he missed a major holiday with them, their reaction was "meh".