Ended up calling police .. I have a couple of questions?

[Hartseer61]

Brief background:
21 yr old Daughter recently diagnosed BPD.
Last night I had to call police, she became very enraged over the fact that at 7:30 pm  my husband (her step dad) and I decided to go out for dinner, just grab something simple.. she was not home, she had left earlier in the day with no word/text to anyone of her plans.. ( She had not talked much to me in the last 2 days over a small rage she had on Monday.. earlier in the day  while at work I had texted a a couple of lighthearted funny memes to her, testing the water so to speak, she had read them but no reply .. this signaled to me she didn’t want to talk, so I was laying low)  we all returned home about the same time..  and things went quickly down hill.. unfortunately after a long work day .. I just didn’t have it in me to put up with it.. she was pushing up against me screaming in my face at one point spitting in my face.. with accusations flying.. she was displaying a more aggressive stance than usual..

Though recently diagnosed, this type of behavior has been going on for several years.. and of course I did not handle it well.. though I knew something was terribly wrong ..I know for many here this will ring true.. it has been a long road to a diagnosis.. counselors, medical dr, a trip to mental health over suicide threat 3 yrs ago..  aside from suicide threat this is the only other time I have called police in.. I have always tried to contain it..

Of course calling the police last night in an attempt to diffuse the situation I am sure had only created more issue.. by the time they came she had calmed herself.. they spoke with her briefly then me.. told me call again if you need.. she just dug in and was only more full of hate and contempt after they left.. I just went to bed..   
I apologize it seems so difficult to get this all in a nutshell..
At this point she is seeing a therapist .. there are brief glimpses I think it is helping., and I am trying to remain hopeful.. I am trying to learn how to better cope and not be part of her problem.. obviously I am not there yet either.,
There are so many struggles here but being robbed of any good communication with her is the hardest.. Our line of communications seems completely gone.. at this point the only way I can describe it is I am the enemy and there is no reprieve from that… so.. question #1
Has anyone tried written communication with their BPD loved one? Written affirmations? Written boundaries? Anything? And has anyone felt a level of success with it?
#2
My daughter sees therapist.. he has said he wants her to find one better suited to BPD.. she called one that I looked up but never received a reply., per her .. so as of now I do not believe DBT is part of her therapy.. my humble opinion is he is a good therapist just not as equipped at this time for her situation.  At this point she has not but even open to looking further for new therapist. I understand I can not do this for her only try to support her.. please if there are any I really need to hear where anyone has found a successful path?


 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[igloo]

Hartseer61,
I understand what you are going through and I think we all do here. I think it comes down to DBT skills. For communication they recommend a dearman letter. Marsha Linehan has a good skills book:
https://www.google.com/search?q=marsha+lenahan&rlz=1C1GCEA_enUS786US788&oq=marsha+lenahan&aqs=chrome..69i57.5511j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
 I wish you all the best, hang in there.
Igloo

[Sancho]

Hi Hartseer61
What you describe could be a chapter out of my life story - and I am sure the life story of many people here. It's why the term 'walking on eggshells' is just so appropriate!

The hardest part is the lack of any logic and the way that if things are not as they expect, an emotional tirade is unleashed. There was no reason for the abuse, just the fact that you went out for some food without her knowing was enough to set it all off.

That's how it is here. So many times I feel like saying 'But you . . . . .' Now I have learnt to keep quiet.

Getting back to your questions: I have found that texting is the best communication for me and dd - short and sharp.

Also now I can pretty much anticipate what will set her off. It is always a bit stressful, but if I know something will do so, I try to send a text just with the facts. I know my dd would have flown off in the circumstance you describe so I would probably text something like 'Just to let you know grabbing some food and will be home around x pm.

If the reply is abusive I just don't answer.

Years ago I went greystone rock if she started abusing me after telling her that I was not going to reply because it was more upsetting for her if I did.

Re the second question. It is good that your dd is seeing a therapist and hopefully that therapist will find one who specialises in BPD. At least now there is  someone else in the picture.

The only thing that helped my dd was low dose antidepressant meds. It didn't change the BPD need for attention and feelings of abandonment, but they raised the point at which DD would explode. She could cope with a lot more stress and different situations when on the meds. But of course she didn't continue.

Otherwise it is all the things that people talk about here and all that you are probably doing. Good that you called the police. It took me a long time to get to that point. Thank you for posting and I hope you find space and time to care for yourself.

[RobertX]

Many thanks for sharing.  We have had a number of very similar situations and very nearly called the police with our son (now 20).  We have also been threatened with violence (and worse). I wish we understood BPD earlier (like 4 years ago) and I'm sure we would have coped better ourselves and reacted better in acute situations and just been better at parenting this awful condition.  What we have learned is to set boundaries, not to apply logic in acute situations (my son will 'logic bomb' us in any confrontation and also apply far more energy and persistence than we are capable of).  By using JADE and Affirmation we seem to be making good progress.  I think both these ways of working with teenagers should be taught to parents of teenage children - offered by schools as evening sessions.  I got everything wrong when symptoms first started to emerge including superficial self harm,  talk of suicide, violent outbursts, serious drug use etc.  I strongly believe that what we know now could have helped us go down a different path.   I did not take things seriously believing that things would naturally get better and that the cause was teenage attention seeking. .  I was very much 'best foot forward / everything will be alright' and when confronted with violence I reacted as if I was been attacked by a bully - meeting fire with fire.  It simply does not work.  Affirmation, a hug and ensuring they know that they are loved would have gone much further - but more importantly so would getting earlier therapy and medication.  This is the key IMO.  Go early.    Wishing you the very best of luck with working this through.  You are definitely not alone.

[beatricex]

hi HartSeer61,
Practice HALT.  Don't try to communicate in writing or face to face if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired.

If you are going to send a text (written communication), craft it out carefully.  Pick your words carefully so as not to slight the highly sensitive and highly reactionary person your BPD is.  This is tricky.

The benefit of written communication - they can't see your facial expressions, so they can't "believe the non verbal" (you are frowning) over the verbal.

The down side - if you are not in every way on your "A" game (and sometimes even if you are in stellar form) it can backfire because, your person, your BPD, is highly senstive and sees slights everywhere.  Whether you mean them or not.

I do know some parents who have sucess with written affirmations, with texts, when other forms of communication fail (cause they read a lot into facial cues, like if you're cooking and not 100% paying attention to them, it can enrage a BPD).  But, they have all told me they practice what to say a lot before hitting send.  They really think about what they're writing before they hit send.  And if there's any doubt in their mind "should I hit send?" they do NOT hit send.

hope this helps

b