My bad daughter hates me

[hlespier]

I've  been an overachiever,  always seeking the approval of my authoritarian mom. I knew early on that  I didn't want to be like my mom to my 2 daughters. My oldest one was diagnosed with BPD @19. We were as close as it could be, and she used to call me her security blanket. After her diagnosis her rejection towards me was overwhelming. She claims I abused her emotionally. I did have severe depression at one stage of my life, and can't remember many things. My youngest d states that I was " very rough and demanding during that time, but my oldest daughter 'got stuck" in time, and even blow many events out of proportion. She doesn't recall those events as life changing or abusive, as she went went thru the same situations. My bad d badmouths me to every ear she finds in her way, makes a drama out of anything I post on social media...it is like I can't do anything right. She is now 28, with a 5 yr old son.. I recently apologized for hurting her, even at times I can't  recall. I never justified myself, and was able to speak my heart out in a very calm and collected way. She responded without making eye contact, that she needed time, which I validated as normal. It happened just a couple of months ago, and since then, I have refrained myself to avoid further conflict. I miss her dearly, for our former bond is now pure hate.
I visit a psychiatrist and psychologist on a regular basis, and at this time I can say I'm a better version of myself. However, it all goes unnoticed to my dd. Since our talk, we have spoken once, and I must admit that everything went fine. I don't want to get my hopes high. My husband and her father had been very supportive through this ordeal, and yes, he is the passive one. They always had a good relationship but not as close as the one I had with my dd.  Now, he is the one she seeks for advise. Needless to say, I feel trapped in this sense of guilt, asking myself why I got sick in the first place. In the meantime, I struggle to keep my feelings of sorrow and insecurity at bay. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Helspier
Many of the words you use to describe how you feel are words that are used here so often: guilt, sorrow  . . . . .

Dealing with this complex illness is just so hard, both for the person concerned and all who love them. My BPD dd spews hateful words at me very regularly - perhaps a little less so now than say 12 months ago. I can actually tell when she is about to - she starts looking for something to blame me for - anything!

We can all look back and think about how things might have been different - but I am sure that everyone who comes here has done the best they could do at any given point in time. I do not believe they would post here if that was not the case.

My BPD dd bad mouths me to everyone - once again less so than previously and it is difficult to take. But I have come to a place where what is important is the here and now.

There is lots of positives in your post: you have some support, the last contact was okay. It must hurt that dd now turns to her father rather than yourself after all you have done - but at least she has someone to turn to.

Here I think you will come across words of wisdom such as:

I didn't cause this; I can't cure it; I can't control it

People remind us that our lives are also of value and we need to make sure that we nurture and care for ourselves.

I am probably more involved in my dd's life now than for the past 10 years or so, but I have moved into a difference space in my own head and heart. I think I have  'let go' and can walk beside her in a better way. Of course sometimes things are still chaos and I just want to run away, but at least I feel that I can now fear less and love more.

Thank you for posting. Every person who posts gives a gift to the others who come here - the gift of knowing that we are not alone.

[RobertX]

Thank you for sharing.  I completely relate to the feelings of deep empty sorrow.  It's just so sad to see a young person in so much pain and also causing so much pain in someone they love.  How to get the right help (including medication) feels just so important.  After that it's about protecting your own health and wellbeing.  This is not easy - but this group is very good a sharing the load.  Wishing you the very best of luck with it all.