Moving on Genuinely after a blowup

[Parents! Get help here!]

Last week we stuck by our (mutually agreed-upon by 21yo stepdaughter w/ BPD, me, and husband) decision to have our daughter leave our home after staying there unexpectedly, sleeping on the couch, for two months. We set up expectations for her while staying there that she did not meet, like saving her money, helping around the house, etc. So we stood our ground.

When she said she "wasn't ready to be kicked out" and we said that she had to leave anyway, she lost her mind, screaming and making many accusations about how we don't love her, don't help her, never wanted her as part of our family, she'd rather be with her other family, she always puts us before her, etc. The conversation ended with her driving off without a word for several days. Something similar happened last summer, but the hurtful accusations were by text.

I could spend paragraphs describing my sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, etc. but I think you all know.

She is probably moving across the country in a month, to be with her mom's side of the family. We have been raising her since she was 9. Her life before she came to us was very traumatic and that is the home she is returning to. Though that's not what we want for her, that's the only option she has left open for herself.

She came to get her stuff last weekend and we had a pleasant interaction, but did not discuss the blowup conversation. Tonight it's my son's birthday and so I invited her to dinner, etc. and she is coming. I'm sure it will all be "fine". But what I struggle with is how to act in a genuine way. I can pretend nothing happened and be positive, and that's what I will do because this is about my son, not me. But I'm having a hard time knowing how to be a mom to her - especially knowing she's moving so far away after raising her over 10 years - when she doesn't think I've done enough for her. When she said extremely hurtful things to me just last week. I want to do normal things one would do when their daughter is moving...take her on a date, ask her about her plans, etc. But I don't know how to do that after the blowup. Or even if I should.

Any thoughts or advice? How do you proceed in your relationship with your adult child after such hurtful interactions?

[M-T]

Last week we stuck by our (mutually agreed-upon by 21yo stepdaughter w/ BPD, me, and husband) decision to have our daughter leave our home after staying there unexpectedly, sleeping on the couch, for two months. We set up expectations for her while staying there that she did not meet, like saving her money, helping around the house, etc. So we stood our ground.

When she said she "wasn't ready to be kicked out" and we said that she had to leave anyway, she lost her mind, screaming and making many accusations about how we don't love her, don't help her, never wanted her as part of our family, she'd rather be with her other family, she always puts us before her, etc. The conversation ended with her driving off without a word for several days. Something similar happened last summer, but the hurtful accusations were by text.

I could spend paragraphs describing my sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, etc. but I think you all know.

She is probably moving across the country in a month, to be with her mom's side of the family. We have been raising her since she was 9. Her life before she came to us was very traumatic and that is the home she is returning to. Though that's not what we want for her, that's the only option she has left open for herself.

She came to get her stuff last weekend and we had a pleasant interaction, but did not discuss the blowup conversation. Tonight it's my son's birthday and so I invited her to dinner, etc. and she is coming. I'm sure it will all be "fine". But what I struggle with is how to act in a genuine way. I can pretend nothing happened and be positive, and that's what I will do because this is about my son, not me. But I'm having a hard time knowing how to be a mom to her - especially knowing she's moving so far away after raising her over 10 years - when she doesn't think I've done enough for her. When she said extremely hurtful things to me just last week. I want to do normal things one would do when their daughter is moving...take her on a date, ask her about her plans, etc. But I don't know how to do that after the blowup. Or even if I should.

Any thoughts or advice? How do you proceed in your relationship with your adult child after such hurtful interactions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Jezz]

I’m very anxious to hear the advice from others about this too. I struggle with moving forward after my 23yr old DD rages out and says the most horrible and hurtful things to me. There is never an apology or any acknowledgement on her part. Literally not ever. A few times, after the storm was over, I’d ask for an apology but that was like pouring gas on the fire. Now I just follow her lead in terms of how we’ll interact. My biggest struggle with this is my ever deepening feelings of resentment towards her. When she’s good and says something sweet or loving to me (it happens rarely), my first thought is that she’s lying and doesn’t mean it. I too need to understand how to have an adult relationship with a daughter who is chronologically an adult, but is 100% not grown and taking care of herself. She says the only way I can help her is with food and money, otherwise I’m completely useless and always make things worse. I don’t want her to end up homeless, and I cannot have get back living with me, so I make sure her rent, gas, lights, etc get paid. Then I fall short in being able to pay my bills, feel hostile, hateful, and resentful towards DD, tuck those feelings away and then do it all over again.

I don’t know the right answer to successfully have a relationship with an adult BPD daughter, but I too am anxiously looking for that answer. I’m going in for a pretty simple surgery this afternoon and keep thinking I wouldn’t mind not coming out of it because I’m just SO tired. So clearly things have to change. I hope someone else will have the answer.

[M-T]

Hi Jezz,

I'm sorry to hear you are so down. I hope your surgery goes okay; take care.

I will say a couple things. We have struggled over the past 1 1/2 years to help keep our daughter in a stable housing situation. She got her own apartment, but because she can't keep a steady job, she struggled to pay for it and we ended up assisting with that more than we planned. There was never any gratefulness for that, only resent because it required hard conversations, discussions about expectations, owed and forgiven money. She made the bad choice of moving in with an unstable boyfriend, despite our offers to help her find an affordable place, and of course months later when they broke up, she had nowhere to go except onto our couch. That brings us here. It was hard to stand our ground about her moving out after 2 months (most especially because I worry about the homelessness!), but we did it. And, alas, she found a friend to stay with. And so I think that speaks to their ability to figure it out if we just let go and force it. Is she mad about it? Absolutely. She is perhaps the most mad she's ever been at us.

If you are sacrificing your own well-being (can't pay your own bills! depression) for hers, I would suggest you slowly ween her off the support. You could tell her you can't afford your own bills, she's an adult, and step 1 is to remove X support. After so many months, it will be X. I know that's not easy but it doesn't sound like you have a sustainable situation. And I don't personally think it's okay for someone to tell you that you're only useful for money/food. That's so hurtful. And a really unhealthy dynamic.

I talked to my therapist about this and her suggestion was that I should have a conversation with my daughter about what she said. I think we all tend to avoid this kind of interaction because we often know where it will lead. But by ignoring the situation, we just let them think they can get away with it. She said to start with something like, "Now that you are calm, I'd like to talk to you about last week's conversation. You said some things to me that were deeply hurtful and I'd like to know if you really believe the things you said. (repeat the hurtful things)." Of course, we know there are a million different ways this conversation could go and the next steps in the conversation are hard to plan for. If they say they do feel those certain ways, ask "What brings up those feelings for you?" If they bring up absurd examples, you can say something like, "That's not how I remember that situation. May I provide my perspective?" If they instead say they DO feel that way, you can address the fact that the relationship must then be very damaged. My therapist felt it was important to hold her accountable for her actions, not just gloss over it.

Last summer, my daughter also said some very terrible and hurtful things to me. After awhile, I basically said, "It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try or what I do, it's never good enough for you. You've said some very hurtful things to me and because of that, I'm going to take a break from trying so hard in this relationship. I have other responsibilities and my own issues to work on." I was giving myself permission to stop worrying and interacting and I let her know that and it was very freeing for awhile.

I hope that helps a little. I still would love to hear others' advice. I know everyone's situation is a bit different and having multiple strategies "in our belt" is helpful.

[Jezz]

M-T,

Thank you. That is helpful advice. She really has never had to face the consequences of her words or actions with me. Funny thing is that I’ve recently been watching a lot of Supernanny clips on YouTube, and find myself wondering if I could apply some of her techniques. Ha! I fantasize about putting DD in time out and then getting an apology for her bad behavior. Sigh…

I think you’re right about me slowly weening her off. I observe her interacting with other people and she can be just as pleasant as can be. Which makes me think she CAN control her rages she just CHOOSES not to with me. Which really makes me mad. I don’t have any clear boundaries with her other than she can never again have keys to my house. I’m not sure how to begin establishing them. I get overwhelming feelings of fear and angst at the thought of confronting or angering her, so I haven’t figured out how to start setting boundaries. When she’s depressed and crying, I don’t know how much to push vs giving her space to work through it on her own.

I’ve given up trying to talk to my friends about all of this - it’s so unfathomable if you’ve never experienced it. I stopped trying to talk to people about it all. The conversations generally end with me feeling super judged and frustrated. I’m so happy to finally have a forum to interact, vent, etc where I don’t have to constantly explain  constantly.

I’m sure my surgery will go well and I’ll be fine. I don’t actually want to die, I’m just I a temporary funk. I’m looking forward to a happy life with lots of good times. I just don’t know how possible that is. Some days I’m just a lot less hopeful than others.

Thank you again for your kind words and advice.

[M-T]

I totally understand how you feel. I have so much anxiety when I have to interact with my daughter. It's a natural and normal reaction in this situation. I highly recommend therapy. You need someone to talk to that understands and sees your side. And they can help you start to learn to set boundaries and take back your life. I've been in therapy for years and I'm just now starting to figure it out. And when you do set the boundaries, the person with BPD makes you feel terrible about it. Last week, I was a mess, this week a little less of a mess, today feeling some positive feelings. Time heals. I'll take the break while I can, because there's sure to be a disaster in the future. But we don't have to live that disaster with them every single time.