My BPD addict wife is in rehab #3 in 2yrs, still in denial

[Theophilus]

My 54 year old BPD wife of 32 years is an alcoholic who also abuses prescription drugs. She was actually stealing narcotics from my dying father a few years ago. She is in rehab for the third time in 2 years, yet still blames everything on me being a "controlling" and "emotionally abusive" husband. She also (supposedly) did the AA 90-day 12-step program.

When she got to the step where she was supposed to apologize to those she hurt, she made a meaningless general apology and then went into a half-hour explanation of why she really isn't an alcoholic according to the AA big book definition. She said also that she proved she isn't an alcoholic because she drank occasionally during the 12 steps and could stop at will. She didn't realize that the only reason she could stop was that her drinking after her last rehab had not gotten to the total chemical addiction point yet, but it did a few months later. However, even after that she still would not admit to being an addict. Now, after almost killing herself by getting drunk and hitting her head seriously when she passed out, she's back in rehab. But she's threatening divorce and blaming everything on me.

She told our pastor she doesn't know how she hit her head and passed out, but she only had two glasses of wine. I had to show him the lab report that showed her bac at .258 when we had to call 911 because she was unresponsive and had blood running down her face. she had black eyes and a bruised nose for two weeks but hid it from everyone but me and our three kids who are still at home.

We have seven wonderful children from 13-30. I don't know how they turned out so well despite having a mother with BPD. They all support me and know she has serious problems. All of them have sought psychological therapy, but I am not sure they know their mom has BPD. I just figured it out myself over the past year. What an eye opener! I especially educated myself over the past week, reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "The Essential Family Guide to BPD". I am also seeing a psychologist who recommended the first book.

We just had our 11th grandchild, and number 12 is due in July. Our oldest grandchild just turned 5 We are a very fruitful family as far as children. We love as many as God wishes to give us. And they all have turned out to be fantastic children and grandchildren.

I believe the marriage and moving out of our first child pushed my BPD wife over the edge due to the separation anxiety. Especially because our daughter's husband lived in Berlin at the time (going to international business school). Then three more of our children got married over about two years. These separations came on top of the fact that my wife was never able to properly separate from her parents and siblings, which I believe caused the majority of serious problems early in our marriage. But our children marrying and moving away really made things much worse. Her alcoholism started before the first of them got married, but it really became serious after that.

Anyway, there's my introduction. I'm wondering what chance y'all think there is of her being properly diagnosed with BPD in rehab. Right now she's telling everyone she's being treated for PTSD [the (T)rauma being me]. Her 86 year old dad called my 83 year old mom and told her that my wife doesn't have an addiction problem but rather has been the subject of extreme emotional abuse. My mom knows better, because she and my dad were subjects of BPD abuse from my wife. I know my wife's entire family (6 siblings) believe her and hate me. I also know she has seen a lawyer about divorce, but I am skeptical that she will go through with it. Our seven children would probably completely disown her if she did, and I think she knows it.

I have saved enough over my career that I am happily retired and well-funded. However, she could take half of it if she files. Meanwhile, her father has gifted her more money than I have saved over my career. It's all in her name, so it would not be marital property according to the laws of my state. She could walk away with more money than I have without a divorce. But would a BPD do that?

So, any advice or encouragement?

[ThanksForPlaying]

Man, that is hard. You've found a very helpful and supportive place to get started working through things. Sounds like your own T is on the right track - I'm thankful for the original counselor who listened to me and suggested the Eggshells book.

As an alcoholic myself, I have done 30 consecutive days of AA meetings. I didn't do the 12 steps, and I have managed to get my drinking amazingly under control. Like almost to zero, and I can even enjoy one or two drinks now on occasion without going overboard. Been this way for almost two years now. But I would certainly not tell anyone that I'm NOT an alcoholic. That's literally the FIRST of the 12 steps - accepting that you're an alcoholic.

"Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable."

So as you are already saying here, she didn't "complete" the program. It sounds like she didn't even get past Step 1, in which case the rest of the steps don't really make a difference.

Having said that, alcoholism WITH BPD is even more complicated and difficult to deal with. Many of the same denial and circular logic "tricks" are used by both pwBPD and alcoholics to avoid consequences.

My pwBPD was at one point using a breathalyzer to "prove" to me when she had or had not been drinking. And she still found excuses to avoid that and said I was oppressing her. Alcoholics often are using alcohol to mask underlying PDs or trauma. Courts use breathalyzers as a quick way to at least monitor the drinking part of the problem. Unfortunately, there's no digital read-out for BPD symptoms.

I've tried to explain to pwBPD that it's NOT the alcohol that I can't accept. I'm not a teetotaler - I don't think alcohol is evil. My BOUNDARY for pwBPD is that I don't accept being yelled at and/or punched. And that OFTEN comes when alcohol is involved, so a breathalyzer is one way to detect the "overlying" problem, even though it does not address the underlying problems.

I guess what I'm saying is that EVEN with complete sobriety, the BPD still needs to be addressed.

My pwBPD will often focus on the sobriety part - sometimes staying sober for a week or two - while refusing to see a T for any BPD help. She inevitably falls back into BPD/alcoholic rages.

As for your divorce concerns - it sounds like you are suggesting you may be happier divorced? And your main concern is the financial issues? Her taking half? You seem to understand the laws in your state - have you talked to an attorney?

It's hard - you'll find a lot of good questions and advice here. Hang in there.

TFP

[Theophilus]

I'm not financially concerned even if she took half of what I have saved. I was just providing that info as background for trying to figure out her BP intentions. I really would rather she stay away but that we not divorce. I want to retain hope that in her later years the BPD will somewhat recede and we can end our lives on this earth together, surrounded by our many children and grandchildren.

[Theophilus]

You wrote: "I've tried to explain to pwBPD that it's NOT the alcohol that I can't accept. I'm not a teetotaler - I don't think alcohol is evil."

I agree! I'm not a teetotaler either. I remember telling her I'd be happy if she was at least an honest drunk. She has always been in total denial.

[Notwendy]

I've had experience from the other side of the 12 step programs ( CODA, ACA) and I think it is worthwhile for the spouse and family members to go through the steps, attend meetings, and work with a sponsor.

The dynamics in families with an alcoholic ( or other addiction) member are very similar to those with a family member who has BPD. The two conditions also often occur together. Any addiction serves as a form of escape for uncomfortable feelings. Drugs and alcohol serve that function. Not all alcoholic/substance abusers have BPD, and not all pw BPD use substances- but there can be both, making the situation more complicated than it already is.

The AA Blue Book was written in 1939 and so reflects the cultural roles in its time. But the roles can apply to any gender. In the book, the men are the alcoholics and their wives are the supportive ones who are suffering from their husbands' drinking. There is some religion in it but there was an attempt to make it universal "God according to how one perceives God" to adapt it to any religion, and it has been adapted to any belief system, including atheists who adapt it to their own way of seeing the order of the universe, but the wording reflects the Christian background of the authors. While the book might read as being a bit out of date, the program and lessons are relevant.

There's a chapter in the book written for the "wives". The early AA adherents found that somehow the wives were keeping their husbands from getting sober. Yet the wives were also suffering and wanted their husbands to stop drinking. After examining this, it was discovered that their selfless loving support was in fact, enabling.

One thing I have learned is that this is not about one person, but the entire family and also intergenerational. I am happy to hear your children have done therapy about this. Denial is a hallmark of addiction, and the enablers may also buy into this. You see this in your wife and her parents.

I think the 12 steps are very helpful for understanding the dynamics of families and in a marriage. You may find you are playing an unintended role in enabling your wife. It's not due to any fault on your part, as you may not even be aware of how one can be enabling,  but it will help you to know where you may be able to make some changes. For anyone to have success with this program, they need to be willing to look at themselves. This is problematic both in addiction and BPD.

It is said that a person may not be motivated to participate in recovery work unless they hit bottom. When someone is actually hospitalized or arrested, this may be an opportunity. However, for BPD, that also needs to be addressed.

For AA, sobriety is the first goal because too much drinking/drug abuse is life threatening. Keep in mind though that the substance abuse serves the purpose of soothing/escaping difficult feelings. The underlying issues are still there. It's interesting that some people in the groups I attend are also sober alcoholics- and they are now in CODA or ACA to work on some of the issues that they tried to diminish with the alcohol.

Nobody can predict the future- but the general rule is that it's not possible to change someone else but it is possible to change yourself and so that's the best place to start.

 

[PearlsBefore]

Congratulations on the plentiful family, that is truly a blessing - and if none of them are showing signs of BPD, a miracle. It's good that you've read Walking on Eggshells, it's the "gateway book" to a lot of books that are actually much better...but also a lot that are much worse (You'll come across DBT references constantly - it's just CBT+Buddhism, where CBT=Mindfulness anyways). There are other treatment plans but almost no professionals today advise them simply because they're all taught BPD=DBT as some credo.

I've seen the alcoholism first-hand, drunk driving, drinking to excess and vomiting in the bathroom all night, passing out in the basement after enough wine - she never went to rehab, but she did a five-year sentence on the inside where she had no access to alcohol which was honestly in some ways the most mentally healthy she's ever been...despite obviously it's insane to say that anyone's mental health improves when locked up. Interestingly, she was always zero risk for drugs and even tobacco was verboten...but alcohol, that beloved enemy...

At this age, I'm not sure I understand the need for a formal diagnosis (we have one here, doesn't mean jacksquat - she just denies it, says it was flawed, boasts of it, depends on the day); if she needs medication you can get it just based on the symptoms even without the formal diagnosis.

Also since everyone else rushes to say the opposite, I AM a teetotaler haha - I've seen too many good lives thrown away over the poison. Sure, not every person who drinks has those problems, but the percentage seems to be about the same percentage as those who have problems from not wearing seatbelts...so I think it's foolhardy to just count on percentages to save loved ones.

That said, it's difficult to avoid feeling like a tent revivalist preacher sometimes, taking care of a pwBPD - and it's made more awkward because my own wife identifies as demonically possessed when she's denying that it's a mental health issue. Of course, she has a bias to blame ANYONE other than herself - and invisible sheddim/djinni/demons are the only ones who have never spoken up to defend themselves against her gaslighting before, so they do make a convenient scapegoat...

[stolencrumbs]

Congratulations on the plentiful family, that is truly a blessing - and if none of them are showing signs of BPD, a miracle. It's good that you've read Walking on Eggshells, it's the "gateway book" to a lot of books that are actually much better...but also a lot that are much worse

Don't mean to hijack here, but this is something that has been on my mind here for a long time...so seriously, which book is worse than SWOE? There seems to be some kind of connection between the book and this site, and I'm not sure what it is, but I can say, personally, without a doubt, hands down, the least helpful thing I've ever read about BPD was SWOE. I had a T recommend it, and when another T later did, I immediately found a new T. If someone has actually found it helpful, what was actually helpful? I just don't get the love for this book. I'd put it somewhere below the Wikipedia entry for BPD. Just my opinion. And again, sorry for the hijack. There just seems to be some bank of conventional wisdom on this site that I just don't understand where it comes from. It sometimes feels like aliens writing about humans.

[Notwendy]

Interesting question that I will try to address. I read the book a long time ago and so the information isn't fresh to my memory. I do know what was most helpful to me in learning about/dealing with, BPD. I have no connection to the book and so am neither endorsing or dismissing it.

First of all, it's a spectrum disorder and some relationships are more workable than others. In addition, to stay and try to work on it or leave can have very different considerations. I do think this board, and the book takes the "lets' not break this family up immediately" position for reasons that may not be obvious at first.

I have seen other boards where the focus is on how awful the person with BPD is, and that they are hopelessly abusive and anyone in a relationship with someone with BPD needs to get out immediately and lots of information supporting how terrible they are. That can feel good in the moment, and yes, there can be some terrible behaviors but also, it's less effective in the long run to assume the partner is a victim and just needs to get out.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out "what is wrong with my mother". For one, it was a well protected family secret but even by my early teens I knew something wasn't right with her behavior, it was extreme and yet, we all walked on eggshells, pretending there was nothing wrong. Even by high school I was reading psychology books to try to figure out what was going on. I kind of forgot this quest once I moved out, for one, she blamed her behavior on me and seemed fine when I had left home.

I came across BPD much later and it was like finding the holy grail and suddenly all the pieces fit together for her. But then, the mystery was with my father. Why did he put up with that? Why didn't he just leave? I did ask him why as a teen and he didn't say much but then said "staying for the kids" but then we grew up. He stayed for the rest of his life.  From the outside, I perceived him as a victim of her horrible behavior but we can't see the whole of any relationship from the outside.

I have also spent time talking to therapists about how hard it is to deal with her, but this didn't really lead to any real personal change. And also, while I knew to avoid her most obvious behaviors when dating, some of the dynamics I observed in my parents were showing up for me in my relationship even if the other person was not like her at all. Why is that? Because the "normal" in my family growing up was to be co-dependent and walk on eggshells and I assumed I should behave like that too and by doing that, I unknowingly played a role in unwanted dysfunction.
 
Finally, a T who had the skill to take the focus off the "person with the problem" and on to me was the one who lead me to real personal change for the better. I think from the outside this looks like we are being encouraged to be more tolerant and ignore the behaviors but it's not about changing for the pwBPD, it's about changing our part in dysfunctional dynamics.  I also think some people think there's some kind of magic formula for controlling the pwBPD and if there was, it would be a manipulation on our part, and we'd be as problematic as they are.

Some truths about relationships- people match each other emotionally. Being the "normal" non is an illusion. If we are paired up with a dysfunctional person, we are also a part of the problem. We can't change them. If there's a chance to change the dynamics, it has to start with us. The other person may adjust or not. They may leave. Some people do leave. I think that is something people fear- the unknown, the risk, and so they focus on how awful the pwBPD is, and miss the opportunity for change. Deciding to stay or leave and acting on it is actually part of a growth process, and so each person needs to take their own course with that.

So the boards that say "these people are horrible- just leave" aren't really helpful in the long run. And if someone leaves without considering their role in the dynamics, they risk recreating the same patterns with someone else. So what is the point in advising someone to break their marriage only to leave them to end up in a similar situation with someone else?

Pearsbefore made a good point about SWOE being a gateway book, in that it is a gentle introduction to the dynamics but not the only resource. Change takes time and is slow. But it's an introduction to the idea that the partner, by walking on eggshells, is actually enabling the very behaviors they are bothered with. It's a hard lesson to deal with- the problem can actually be our doing. While the person with BPD has unwanted behaviors, doing the same thing and hoping they will change on their own isn't likely to happen. We can't control them but we can look at our own enabling behaviors. It may be more appealing to look at their behaviors and why they are like they are, but more effective to look at ours and why we do them. That's not the whole of it, but it's a start.

[Notwendy]

To add, it's misleading to assume we can change or cure BPD by our own actions. What we can do is reduce our contribution to the dysfunction. If the dynamics and drama are reduced to a point where we can manage, then perhaps it's a salvageable situation. If the situation is not a tolerable one - we have the choice to leave it.

We all have our own levels of what we tolerate. People who would break up immediately when seeing the behaviors that disturb them would not likely end up in a long term relationship with someone with BPD and not be seeking advice on this board.

Clearly, the partner isn't the cause of the pwBPD's behaviors, but it is possible to enable them.

[ForeverDad]

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out "what is wrong with my mother"...  I came across BPD much later and it was like finding the holy grail and suddenly all the pieces fit together for her.

I too was mystified.  I literally didn't know what I was dealing with.  To this day not one professional has named BPD nor anything else to me as a factor or possibility.  She doesn't have all 9 or 10 traits of BPD, but then again many don't.  But when dealing with a disordered person for years in and out of court, does an official diagnosis make a difference?  Hey, at least give us some hints!

A paramedic said she should see a psychiatrist.  My lawyer ignored my PD phrases but did call her crazy, f-ing nuts and a sociopath who could lie and fool a lie detector.  For eight years in and out of court all the professionals studiously avoided discussion of her behaviors, well, not until our final case in family court.  Finally, the county's best magistrate wrote that she needed counseling, yet didn't order it.  (Courts don't try to fix people, they just issue orders - similar to boundaries - to limit bad behaviors.)  One would expect that somewhere, sometime, the court or other professionals would have taken note of likely PD behaviors early in the process - and said something.

Me?  I learned of BPD from a phone call to a local hospital's psychiatric department seeking a home visit but I lived too far away.  Those few minutes made the difference.

[Theophilus]

I can say, personally, without a doubt, hands down, the least helpful thing I've ever read about BPD was SWOE.

What book(s) would you recommend to balance out my understanding of BPD?

[Notwendy]

There are so many books, and it depends on what situation concerns you the most. I have read several of them, but while ago so I can't recommend a certain one. The general steps I took were to first start with reading just about every book I could get- to try to understand BPD. While that helped me to get an idea of what was going on with the pwBPD- the general conclusion is- we can't change them because we can not change another person- so what are we going to do about it?

Since the next step was "what am I going to do about it?" I had to look at those options. All steps were good, understanding is important but the "what am I going to do about it" took some looking at myself, and the work in 12 step groups (CODA, ACA) was very helpful. I am also not a teetotaler, but rarely drink an alcoholic beverage. I recognize that alcohol or drugs are not just the only issue in addictions but they complicate the situation due to them being physically addictive.

So yes, read books on BPD but also know that the relationship between you and your wife is a long standing one and there are likely certain dynamics between the two of you that are going on for decades. This is her third rehab- as Dr. Phil would say "this isn't my first rodeo". While the first rehab goal is to get the person to sobriety- it seems there is often follow up therapy and family therapy involved for a while. This isn't a problem that a week, or a month, in rehab will fix. If this is her third one in two years, you know that. You also know that you can read all the books printed about BPD but that won't fix her, because it's an action on your part.

IMHO, this is a situation that needs long term intervention for her and for you as her partner because in any addiction, both the user and the partner are involved/affected in some way. Not all addicts have BPD. BPD complicates the situation. This is really tough.

This is the book thread.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0