Giving in to ex-H too easily regarding child's school?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

  Yes, I am scared she'll grow up and hate me and that for all my hard work, this is what she'll remember. 

So...if one of your friends was telling you this...how do you hope you would respond to them?

Best,

FF

[formflier]

  Yes, I am scared she'll grow up and hate me and that for all my hard work, this is what she'll remember. 

So...if one of your friends was telling you this...how do you hope you would respond to them?

Best,

FF

[Mommeredith81]

That it's beyond their control, how she feels? My thought, when isolated, seems a little selfish to me. ;)

If it were a friend saying it, I'd probably be consoling. But that doesn't mean daughter won't be sad or angry for years about this.

[Notwendy]

I think from my own perspective, I hope the parent- child bond is stronger than this disappointment when it is  balanced with consistent love and care over the years.

However, reading your posts, I realize this is just my own perspective. What can be the "worst thing ever" is not the same for everyone and not the same for each family.

I think for a 9 year old, disappointments can feel like the "worst thing ever" because at 9, one hasn't had a lot of life experience and also 9 year olds don't think like adults. There could be a lot of "worst things ever" like a first crush break up, or not getting invited to a birthday party, or a friend feud and the usual things adolescents go through as they mature.

From your posts though, I can see how fearful you are of not sending her to this school. While in the grand scheme of things, this may not be the pivotal point of the relationship, I wonder if this is going to be something you will feel regret for each time there are issues with your D.

Adolescence can be a challenging time for both teens and parents. I know there were times that my own children were angry at me for something they didn't like- and we didn't see eye to eye about some things because they didn't have an adult perspective.

This kind of thing is emotionally tough to handle. One concern I wonder about is - that when/if this does happen - will your first thought be "maybe this wouldn't happen if I had sent her to that school". Well you don't know this for sure because you don't know what would happen if you sent her.

In this situation, this decision would become the pivotal regret for you if you were to feel this way. Chances are, she will bring this up when she's angry. Teens can do that because they are emotional teens.

So here's another choice to consider. Which is harder? Financially stretching yourself to be able to send her to the school- or feeling guilt and regret for this and wondering about the road not taken.

Another option- send her to the new school. See how it goes. It may not be the rosy ideal she thinks it is. Or she may thrive. You don't know the future but you also won't regret the road not taken each time there's an emotional issue between the two of you. The lesson for her though (and be up front with this) is the budget. Yes, she got the school but now we have to compromise with some other things.

I know this is a turn on my other posts, but I see the fear on your part and so present another idea.

[Mommeredith81]

I don't think it's such a turn - you're considering all of the options, as I'm trying to, as well. And regrets are really hard. Honestly, I think she'll be ok academically whichever place we'll send her. She'll just be constantly bringing up how she wishes she'd gone to the private school, whenever she's mad at me.

I know she will be the one to bring this up again and again. Not really me.

I would actually like to have her reapply next year and we'll be in a better place, but there are unknowns (ex-H may not want to do it, most of all). If I could get ex to commit to saying ok for next year if she gets in again, I'd feel better, but I don't know if he'll say that for now.

[Notwendy]

Of course she'll bring it up- it's normal pre-teen/teen behavior.

There was a book I read that helped me to deal with this kind of thing when my kids were going through their teen years.

Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall

For some time, it felt I could do nothing right. And sometimes they really did hurt my feelings. There are also things I wish I did differently. Teens don't come with an instruction manual!

Teens don't have a stable sense of self yet, and they are very influenced by their peers. Teens don't know who they are- they start with being "not their parent" so "not mom" which means they begin to reject you in a way in order to become them. This takes a while but eventually when they feel a bit more secure about themselves, they can also accept that some of who they are aligns with who you are too.

I knew I needed to work on my own co-dependent and people pleasing tendencies to get through the teen years. Knowing they need to be able to separate who they are from their parents and form their own ideas, yet still have firm boundaries ( homework, grades, curfews, family rules) I needed to be able to tolerate their being angry at me while showing them consistent love.

I think it's hard to not have a role model for this, and know you didn't experience this kind of love and support with your own mother. For this, I looked to other mothers- friends who were doing this in a way I thought was admirable, books, counseling.

And perspective. My BPD mother is emotionally and verbally abusive and very disordered. We don't have a good relationship but it isn't due to her having made a few mistakes- it was her inability to have a secure and stable relationship with me that is the cause and she has not been able to make changes in this for herself and also this issue isn't just with me.

I am a different parent - but not a perfect one.

Also consider that some children have emotional issues and difficulties even with good parenting. Everything is not the parents' fault. We just do the best we can.

 

[Mommeredith81]

Yes, that's all true. Thanks for being there. I feel a little guilty focusing on this when people have much worse problems (in the past, I've been those people...) I guess my worry is that if I say no, it's no forever. Too many things could scuttle her chances of getting in a year from now. If it were up to me, she'd just apply in a year and go, but I have to get ex on the same page, make sure she gets in...ugh.

I know you're right -- she DOES still tell me she loves me, so I can't worry too much about that. She says she hates me when I don't get her ice cream sometimes. I can live with that. I just feel like I set her up for disappointment and there's such a temptation to just send her to give her something to be excited about. I have a lot of thinking to do. I've blocked out time tonight to come to a decision. I might see if parent coordinator can talk to me and x, but he doesn't see a need (and that's more $). If he's willing to agree that she can go next year, that may solve a problem. Or I can tell ex I'm paying for it all and send her this year. But as others have said, she may be there a full 4 years then...I have to make sure I can commit to 4 rather than 3 years.

[Notwendy]

I would talk to the school about all your options, and also about reapplying next year.

One difference with this and college deferred admission is that with college, the deferred admission is based on the student pursuing a non academic experience for the year.

At her age, she will continue in school. Reapplication will likely be based on her entire academic record at the time of admissions, the number of applicants and the spaces available. So it's probably not predictable that she will get accepted next year but I think it helps to ask the school about all of this and will it hurt her to turn down the offer and reapply next year.

Because this feels like a one time opportunity, there is the option of spending the money for this year, a trial year. Then spend the next year while she's in school saving and planning if this is the right decision for her.

She may find the grass isn't greener on the other side. Or maybe it is.

I am presenting both sides because it's not possible to predict the outcome for either one.

[Mommeredith81]

Correct! It's isn't possible to plan, and I do appreciate those thoughts. I will consider both.
I did go in and talk to the school on Monday. They said she'd have to re-submit references and grades, because kids change. There are fewer spots, but also fewer applicants, for the next grade, they said.
They also said interviewing her was one of the most enjoyable experiences they'd had.
But my fear is that after I left, they decided we're flaky. Then there is the possibility of so many things changing by fall.
The admissions officer who spoke to me seemed to leave on a good note. Wednesday, for some reason, he called my ex to see if we're sending her (according to my ex). My ex said he has to talk to me. I found it strange that they'd call him. They didn't call me. Any ideas why they did that?
I may be acting a bit paranoid about the whole thing. They really liked my daughter. But they may not take on a family they feel is causing trouble.
I want to muse on all of this tonight because when Monday comes, I may get calls from them for a decision.

[Notwendy]

I understand the tendency to "read into" actions but it may have been that they had two numbers and just called one and it was his.

[Mommeredith81]

Ha, yes that sounds logical. Both of us tend to get the same emails.

I think the wildcard in all this is my ex. If I ask him to commit to agreeing to send her if she gets in next year, he'll recoil.  This is probably the best point in favor of sending her now (if I could get him to agree now) -- I don't want him to do the same thing next year and change his mind. Even if D will have to change schools anyway, he might be difficult.

I think it's normal for people to wait an extra year to send their kid to a new school. It's just odd for me to have to make such a decision and also consider a person who becomes dysregulated in the mix.

I hate the word "never." I don't want to think that if I say no now, she'll never go - that is, if she still wants to in 6 mo.

[Notwendy]

I think, at age 9, there will be a whole lot more possibilities than there are "nevers". She's got a lot ahead of her!

And, as children mature, there will be some "not for me" but a lot of things to explore as possibilities.

I took dance lessons as a kid. But by middle school, I remained too short to ever be a ballerina.  It did kind of hurt my ego to see all the lovely tall girls get promoted to the ballet classes, while I didn't.

This became a "never" but it was OK because I found a lot of other things I was good at.

I am sure you have some memories of things that didn't work out for you but then something else did.

She has middle school, high school and college ahead of her to figure out her strengths.

I know it's hard when you didn't have a mother to help you emotionally navigate these accomplishments and disappointments. But you can be that mother for your D- however this decision goes.

[Bvcruiser]

I would say that you should check out all available means to help your child with the new school. Maybe the ex has it in his mind to get one over on you, or going in front of a judge to decipher what does a private school offer that a public school can’t. I would not ask the ex for anything that gives him the impression that you need him. After my recent 2 year experience with a borderline, they are always right, and us non borderliners are always wrong.

[Mommeredith81]

Thanks. All of you have been very helpful. I think ultimately without ex's support (even just as a backup), saying "yes" is hard on me financially. I want to send her but I need to have money for bigger emergencies. I will probably say no and hope she can re-apply in a year, but I worry about stuff getting in the way (ex saying no again, not getting as much money). And maybe the school willl think I'm a total flake and say no for that reason (and now they know my poor financial situation). I hate saying no to a good opportunity. But she may get a second chance. I keep going back and forth. My D seems resigned to not going this year, but I think I just hate making the decision. Probably what I'll do is send a last email to ex-H to make sure he's saying no, and then note that she'll apply next year and hope he won't oppose it if I want her to go when it's time for her to switch schools.

And yes Notwendy, I get it that not having had a supportive mother makes me question myself...but some people still don't have that. It's hard being alone making all these decisions. My D seems to have forgiven me but I'm wondering if she's still hurting. Still, she will get other opportunities, as you said. I just hope she gets this one again if I say no.

I'm kinda dragging this out too. Technically I was supposed to give a deposit already. The school is being very nice. I'd love another 6 months to figure this out. ;)

[Mommeredith81]

Believe it or not a week has gone by and I haven't given the school an answer, nor have they reached out (beyond calling my ex to ask if my daughter was going). Now they're on break. But I can't stall forever. I've figured out that I probably can't afford to send her. I think if I convinced ex I was going to pay for it alone, he'd agree. And I could afford it, but I'd have $0 left for emergencies and extras (extras being things like a haircut...anything except the basics). So that's kind of where I'm stuck. I think I'll be in a better place to send her if she applies again, but there will be fewer seats. I think I could talk to ex with parent coordinator and get him to agree that we can send her if she gets in again. But it's not guaranteed. Tonight I'm going to talk to daughter and come up with things that will help her feel better, should she not go at all. This is all part of why I go back and forth, because I think maybe I should bite the bullet and ask ex to send her this year. The fact that he's unsupportive bothers me but I'd have to get over that. I have to make a decision and then stop worrying about it, but I will always question it. If daughter gets in again next time, even if we don't get a generous award, I'd find a way to pay. But she may not. I kinda need to get off the fence. Maybe my answer is obvious from whatever I've said, and I just can't realize it because ex always has me doubting myself. Thoughts?

[Notwendy]

How reliable is her father? If he says "yes" and pays one month, will he follow through the next? Or will it be constant guessing each time tuition is due?

What I see is a potential triangle here- you, him, and your D. Triangles can be opportunities for drama.

Do they have any relationship at all? Can he afford the school? Is it in her best interest to have this kind of relationship with him - the dependency on him for a school she wants to go to?

I am thinking of my own situation as a child. My parents stayed together and my father was the wage earner, but it was my BPD mother who controlled the money. She is now a widow with this same control. I have learned over time that if she pays for anything- it's an opportunity for her to be in control and any "offer" that involves her paying for something becomes an opportunity for drama. Also, she's prone to withdraw the offer if she's angry.

I learned quickly to not accept or depend on any money from my parents. When looking at colleges, I selected a state school with reasonable tuition for a couple of reasons. I knew there were financial issues in the family at the time, and also didn't feel I could rely on receiving money from them.

There was a brief time I felt envious of friends who were in more prestigious private colleges. Kids that age are impressionable. But the long term view is different. From my own children's peers, I have seen children succeed ( and also struggle) in all kinds of schools, private and public. I also find that the child's perception of the school is influenced by their family and peers. One child's "safety" school can be another one's "dream school" depending on the family perception and in general- how a child does at a particular school usually depends more on what they put into it than the school itself.

I understand how you can feel you are doubting yourself with this issue. Maybe it would help to take a global view. If your D attends this school, it's not just a year commitment. It's for several years and there's probably going to be college after this. How reliable is your H if he commits to this? Is he then going to be willing to help with college too? Is it better for your D to be in a school setting that doesn't rely on him financially?

In addition to the cost of the school- will your D be in a higher socio economic peer group in a private school? If so, she will want what her peers have and to be able to participate with them- clothes, social events. Will you be able to provide for that as well? She's only 9 now, but the teen years are not far away and fitting in with peers is important at this age. Eventually, she will be driving, going to school dances and parties with her peers.

I think there are some solid reasons to choose and pay for a different school and these can vary for each family. For some, it's religion. It could be that the local public schools don't provide what a student needs- such as small classes, or a more supportive environment. Maybe it would help for you to write down the pros and cons of either school.

If the decision is a yes, then she won't face the disappointment of not being able to go. If it's a no, and she is disappointed, ( and confer with her counselor - I don't know her emotional state) then, I also think how a child does is influence by how their parent does with the decision.

Again, I have mostly seen this at the college level but emotionally the child takes their college and comments about it personally. Where the family is focused on the status of the school- the child in a less prestigious state public school is seen as not being good enough. For the family that is excited about the state school, the child feels excited too.

While there may be many good qualities in the private school your child is looking at, the idea that it is better may translate for her to "she is better" if she goes or "she is less" if she doesn't go. Wherever she does go- your response will influence how she perceives the school.

[formflier]

What I see is a potential triangle here- you, him, and your D. Triangles can be opportunities for drama.

 

Lots of important questions in the post above. 

School is important...yet I would "argue" that a child's emotional resilience and emotional maturity is just as, if not more important.  How to handle disappointment is a big part of that...they will take their cues from their parents.

So...if at all possible, picking a path where both parents are "on the same page" is important...I should add "stay on the same page".

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[Mommeredith81]

All helpful comments. Thank you. I am leaning toward saying no for this year but trying to get ex on the same page for next year, when she'll be switching schools anyway because elem school is over then. But it partly seems a little like punting down the line. There are fewer spots next year but the school DID seem to like her, and the admissions guy also said fewer people apply next year. Worse, though, ex may say a flat no to avoid the possibility of paying. So I may be back in the role of saying "no" to my daughter in fall, which is no forever, which is worse.

I had a conversation with D today about how she will feel if she can't go next year either. She really wants to go. I guess I have to change her mindset so she doesn't see that as the only path. She's not excited about going to the public middle school here in a year, and she's pretty excited about this more artsy school. It does suit her personality. It'd be nice for her to be excited about school, which she never was before. So I want to keep this choice open.

So yes, FF and NotWendy, you make good points about how I handle her emotions. I have to model appropriate behavior -- and not make her feel like it's the end of the world if she doesn't go. I have to help her with her disappointment and also help her see there are alternatives. Right now her heart is set on this school and she can't seem to see the positives in going to the regular middle school some day, which really isn't a bad place.

Notwendy, I'd probably be the one paying next year too. I'll be on more solid ground financially. I'm not going to put tuition in ex's hands. Our agreement actually says it's my duty to enroll her and pay for schools. It doesn't say I get to choose the school, but that I'd be the one in charge of paying. It would be nicer if he's on the same page. School IS an important decision. He might kick in a one-time amount; that's pretty much what he agreed to early on (small amount but still something).

Yeah, the idea of her staying there several years is worth considering too. If she likes it, she'd be there 3-4 years. It's not really a snooty school so I'm not worried about her fitting in.

I want to write to ex to let him know that I'll be giving the school an answer this week and I've been hesitating because D is excited about the school. I want to be honest about that. And that I understand the financial reasons for saying no, but that maybe we should talk about it with PC before I give an answer. (I'd like him to think about being in support of her going in a year). Only danger in this is, he may say, well, send her this year but you have to pay for it. I really have to think about if I want to put myself in that position. Either way, I'd insist that we have to work out an agreement with him and the PC about how that'd work, whether this year or next year. I don't really know what I hope to get by writing to him once more though. I guess I just don't want to tell the school "no" without giving him a heads up or something.

[Mommeredith81]

Oh, one more thing is that my D liked the kids she met at the trial day for school and is sad she won't be in class with them in fall. Things like that make me feel like I should beg, borrow, and whatever to let her go, and I'm being wimpy. But my instincts tell me not to do that. I'm not sure why, though. I could probably convince ex-H to do that if I paid for it all. I just think it's not life or death, I guess, and want to reserve begging, borrowing, etc. for true emergencies (eviction, legal issues, etc.)

She also will see those kids the following year if she's able to go for the next grade.

[Notwendy]

Does your H have a relationship with his D?

Here's a suggestion. He's not the custodial parent and she lives with you, I assume and I also assume his main role is child support. But even without BPD, being in a remote role, he may be asked to pay for something he didn't have a role in deciding on and even if he didn't have BPD, he knows less about the school and your daughter's investment in it.

So here's the triangle. The marital issues ( and the main drama) was between the two of you. Requests for money and decisions you make from you feel more to him like he's paying for something he has no real involvement in and so the resentment on his part is with you. Now you know it's for his daughter too but when the request is from you, it feels as if it's for you.

If you want him to help pay, then also he should have some say in it and also an investment emotionally in the relationship with his D. Now, if he's a toxic person and you think it's better for her that he keeps a distance, this also includes a financial distance. The expectation from my BPD mother is- if she pays - she then wants to be included. If I don't want her to have too much involvement, I can not accept money from her.

If he's going to be part of the decision, I think he need to speak to her. I know you advocate for her, but your asking makes it a triangle. She's old enough to tell him why she wants to go to the school. Whether he decided to pay or not is then his decision and it's his responsibility to answer her. Your asking him may shield her from his decision but also telling her "Daddy won't pay" is also speaking for him. I suspect you play some interference from his behavior, but the relationship he has with her is mainly up to him. Of course, protect her from abusive behavior, but if this isn't the case, she is old enough to have this discussion with him if it's not going to be harmful to her.

I don't know the extent of his disorder or if it's emotionally safe for her to have a relationship with him. I do know that involving my mother financially in something I want to do would result in a control struggle with her. So the boundary has to be to not accept any money from her. If your marital conflicts were mainly between the two of you, and not between him and his children, and his involvement is safe for her, then he may want to be involved in this school decision more.

[Mommeredith81]

Yes, good points.
I think if she re-applies, he may be more involved or at least consenting. That also would allow more time for her to tell him what this school means to him.

I don't want her to guilt him about it - that wouldn't be safe. I do run interference to a point. I don't want him to think I'm using our young D to manipulate him.
I just want to make the best decision.

...What I'm grappling with now is, before I tell the school no, what to say in an email to Ex. I had a new thought: I could write to him and say: I know we probably can't afford it, but we were talking about it for so long that I don't think it's fair to just squelch it with two sentences. I'd still like to talk about pros and cons of it with our PC before I say no. Or talk to her about how to address it with D.

But I dunno, that could backfire. He may agree with our PC to support her applying again in fall, then get annoyed once he's off the call. Or he may feel manipulated into agreeing to something he's not in agreement with, because he doesn't realize how much this means to D.

I really feel like I need to say something to him before giving my final "no" to the school...but what? And how? What I'd really like is for him to understand she may want to apply next year -- and for him to let me know if he has second thoughts about saying no. I don't want him to tell me, a month from now, that maybe she should have gone.

I don't want to give the school my final "no" without saying something more to him.

[Notwendy]

I don't know your custody arrangements but if he has some involvement in her life, it's reasonable to inform him of school decisions. I didn't mean it was a problem to speak to him about it but to be aware of potential triangle drama- your point about him feeling put up to it if she speaks to him about it makes sense,

[formflier]

I'm not the best on drama triangle stuff, still it's a massively useful tool.

The biggest "oh..yeah, that's important" thing from reading all this is to let your hubby speak for himself..directly to your D.

Every time you feel like saying "Daddy says...xyz" you should change it to "you should speak to your Daddy about that"

That's also in keeping with "boundaries".   You and only you are in charge of your relationship with your child.  Same for him.

That "fact" doesn't change if he is doing his relation really badly...

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I think it's important to protect children from an abusive parent, but in the absence of harm, it is up to the parent to foster the relationship with them. You don't want to paint her father as the bad guy, but he's responsible for how he treats her.

This makes me think of my friend whose H divorced her and although he could afford to pay for school for them, he refused but this wasn't the only issue in their relationship. The kids felt alienated from him due to his controlling behavior with them. These children were good students and were very resourceful in finding, and receiving, scholarship assistance from the colleges they attended.

Growing up, my parents did say no to things they could have afforded, but basically, BPD mother controlled the money in the family, so if she said no, it was a no. Yes, I did resent this as a teen but there was a benefit to this as it motivated me to become financially independent as soon as I could as an adult.

However, it wasn't the money or saying "no" that created the strain in our relationship. It wasn't even a one time event. It was the consistent way she treated me. Same for my friend's children. She was able to provide what the kids needed but not everything they wanted. She's a consistent loving parent and has a good relationship with her children.

I know you fear this decision if it is a no. I don't know your own child's emotional state and yes speak to her counselor. However, even if she's upset, I find it hard to imagine that this one event could permanently ruin an otherwise loving relationship with you. I certainly hope that isn't the case for you. For me, and the examples I have seen, the relationship is more dependent on consistent unconditional love.

[Mommeredith81]

Thanks to both of you. I'm not worried at this point about the decision ruining the relationship. It's clear my D still loves me. She may be disappointed, but she clearly still loves me. Now I'm more worried that something will stop her from going if she applies again next year (since she'd really like to go eventually) and it will be my ex saying no. I think I can convince him, but wonder if I'm not taking a hard enough line right now -- trying to get our PC involved, telling him something like, "If I say no now, will you be open to her applying next year?" I kinda really have to see how it all works out. My instincts tell me not to press him now, that it's just too hard and the money isn't there. But I don't want him to be against it for next year.

[kells76]

Help me understand a little more, so we can see where the roadblocks are...

I think I'm reading correctly in this thread that you are "decision maker" about school enrollment? I.e. there is no legal requirement anywhere that your D's dad agree with/cooperate with/support/cosign/etc where you decide to enroll the kids in school? (Not saying "that's good" or "that's bad", just working to understand fully what the legal requirements are in your setup).

And you are also 100% responsible for any/all school costs?

And as the schools are right next to each other, there would be no logistical change for Dad's parenting time with the kids? I.e. it's not a longer drive for pickups/dropoffs?

So what specifically are you concerned would happen if "he were against it" next year?

He would not take D to school?

He would "badmouth" the school to her and "convince" her she didn't like it?

He would not pay child support (I am assuming he does pay CS? Please correct me if I am wrong there)

He would... X, Y, Z?

I think I am trying to drill down to -- what is the core obstacle? I hear that finances are a big part of it, and believe me, that makes sense. I am struggling to understand what Dad's "being against it" would stop from happening, and/or what that would look like concretely...?

I think it is really, really important, and so hard with a two house family, to not say that "this thing at Dad's house/this thing Dad is doing or not doing" is what is stopping a child from doing what they want, when it isn't exactly the case. Operating with integrity, no matter how disordered the other parent is, is playing the long game for your relationship with your kids. I hear you that you want to have a positive and supportive relationship with your kiddos. It gets so hard when being the one with integrity means letting the kids down, or taking full responsibility for their disappointment. So, so hard. You're in a tricky place. Yet working things out here on the boards means you get to drill down to clarity -- what are you in control of, and what aren't you? What are the core obstacles, and who is responsible for them? If Dad is not legally responsible to pay for any school $, and if Dad is not co-decision maker on school enrollment, then it will be so critical for your integrity to "not even go there". Not even hint that "I really wanted to send you this year, but we couldn't afford it, but maybe Dad can pitch in next year" type stuff.

...

OK, I am guessing we are on the same page about that stuff. So, moving forward to some potential problem solving:

I'm more worried that something will stop her from going if she applies again next year

I understand that "deferred admission" is more of a college thing (i.e. you apply for and are accepted for Year 1, but you can both "take a gap year" AND "have your spot saved" for year 2). I wonder if asking about that with the school would help. You can't be the only family working through financial issues -- maybe you can "cut a deal" with them where if you, IDK, do something beneficial for the school now (I have no idea what, just brainstorming), while saving up this year, you could be "top of the applicant list" for next year.

It seems reasonable to me to suggest to them: "D was so thrilled to be accepted this year! We have assessed our finances and to be honest with you, while it's technically feasible this year, it would drain us dry and leave nothing for emergencies -- and with how the last couple of years have gone, I know you guys understand what a risk that is. We would be able to save more this coming year and be in a more stable place to pay for the next school year. I wonder what programs or accommodations you guys have for families in our financial situation, where we need time to be able to pay? Do you offer a deferred admission program, or are there scholarships that I just haven't been aware of yet? Is there anything D could work on (scholarship, volunteering, etc) that could help her for next year?"

...

For me, though, so much of this circles back to this question:

Now I'm more worried that something will stop her from going if she applies again next year (since she'd really like to go eventually) and it will be my ex saying no.

I think I might be missing something or be pretty dense, but help me one more time... can he legally say No? Wouldn't that make him have sole educational custody?

I understand wanting both parents to be on the same page... yet at some point if you have ed decision making, you have ed decision making. And so that goes back up to my question above -- what concretely would it look like for him to "be against it", and why would that stop things?

Sorry for all the questions! I hope the idea about pitching "deferred enrollment" helps, or at least maybe starts a conversation. And definitely check w/ the school to see if they have scholarship programs -- having your D have some more skin in the game could be a net win.

Looking forward to hearing more;

kells76

[Notwendy]

Kells makes some good points, but also, I am a bit confused because tuition must be paid each year to continue in a school. So the idea of not being able to pay this year but maybe next year, but maybe not is a bit confusing. What you don't want to do is enroll her in a program and have to then change out.

If you are needing your H's agreement to help pay for this, and fear he won't next year - then he might not regardless of if she enrolls now or later. For her own stability in school, and if she's 9, you are looking at several years of tuition, not just one.

I think the question becomes- can you pay for her to go to this school until high school. ( and then what? is a private high school on the horizon? that needs to be considered as well. What about college?). If you need her father to help with these expenses, and you fear he is not reliable, then it may not be a good idea to send her and then have to also take her out if expenses aren't covered.

I understand you have a fear that her father won't be a reliable partner in this agreement and this fear may be well founded on your experience with him. However, you don't have any control over what he does. The best you can do is to factor this into the decision. You may be able to save this year for next year, but then tuition will need to be paid again for her to stay there. This is a long term decision.

[Mommeredith81]

Yes to all of that. Thanks for helping me work through this.

It's not spelled out in our agreement who decides on school, but we both have legal custody, so technically it'd make sense to agree on school for the next year. After that, when she's changing anyway, I may be able to have more standing, at least in a discussion with ex and PC.

My agreement says I pay for school and enroll her in school. I might remind him of this.

He'd still have to submit his financial info for us to be considered for aid next year. And I'd like to get him on the same page, generally.

I think I personally could save more and be in a better place by next year.

Hope that answers some of the questions.

I already asked if they defer, and they said no, because students change a lot. But the admissions guy also said if we apply on time etc etc there probably would be a spot. (Of course, he could leave, he could decide that because we dragged our feet this time, it's not a good idea...)

My big question now is -- since I have to decide soon, I'm wondering how to phrase an email to ex, and if I should try to personally talk to the PC before I say no, or try to get *ex* to talk to the PC with me? I don't think it would mean he'd make any sort of agreement, but might provide the clarity I need. (And as I said, it could backfire and she could say, well, maybe D could just take art classes instead of going to private school...ex would love that suggestion.) Maybe I gotta talk to her privately. I'm not sure. I suppose I feel like if I talk with more people before I make this decision, I will know it wasn't an entirely off base decision.

[Notwendy]

Personally, I think having a third party to mediate when discussing things with a disordered person helps keep things from escalating, so if you feel it's needed, then talking to the counselor is probably helpful. If you want to speak to her privately for your own peace of mind, then do that. If you and your ex are able to communicate clearly, then there may not be the need for the counselor.

I think the bottom line is your comfort with the decision and how comfortable you are in discussions with your ex. This is self care and so do what you feel you need to do to feel you did your best with the decision.

[Mommeredith81]

Yeah I'm going to see if I can get my PC on the phone, although I've already talked to her. I guess for clarity.

[kells76]

An important question would be:

Does having full decision-making/responsibility for school enrollment equal full decision-making/responsibility for school choice?

I.e., does the language of your order use the word "enrollment" to mean "choice"?

Or is it literally saying "both parents must agree on choosing the school, but then Mom is the one who fills out the paperwork after the decision is made"?

This is a perfect PC question -- how should the order be interpreted.

I can't imagine an order being so vague about who picks the school but so specific about who turns in the paperwork after that. But that could be the case.

Let the PC be the one deciding what the language means and communicating that to the two parents.