advice for making it through divorce process

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Has anyone attempted a divorce representing yourself without a lawyer? After 2 and a half very difficult years of marriage, it is ending. My husband moved out again tonight for the 8th or 9th time. 2 months ago, I finally set a limit and said the next time he packs his bags and leaves, he won't be returning. I will file for divorce. I meant it and I will follow through. I will file on Monday morning.

I'm quite afraid of what's to come, although things should be fairly straight forward since we do not have children together and we had a prenup.

Am I ridiculous thinking I can represent myself?

I am struggling because I do love my husband, but I have seen the trend over the past 3 years of his episodes having a pattern of every 10 days or so, meaning we would have 10 smooth, kind, loving, supportive days until he would split or rage. Lately his mood swings are daily, and he splits me daily or every other day. I finally can see how this marriage has taken its toll on my own health and well being. I wanted so badly to learn new healthy ways of communicating, I wanted so much to have more patience and just be able to endure the emotional abuse for a little longer, and then a little longer. I was planning on playing the long game and just hoping that one day my husband would start to see his part in this, and gain some insight and want help. I now know I just can't wait any longer. I need to focus my energy on myself and my child.

[AnaisNin]

Has anyone attempted a divorce representing yourself without a lawyer? After 2 and a half very difficult years of marriage, it is ending. My husband moved out again tonight for the 8th or 9th time. 2 months ago, I finally set a limit and said the next time he packs his bags and leaves, he won't be returning. I will file for divorce. I meant it and I will follow through. I will file on Monday morning.

I'm quite afraid of what's to come, although things should be fairly straight forward since we do not have children together and we had a prenup.

Am I ridiculous thinking I can represent myself?

I am struggling because I do love my husband, but I have seen the trend over the past 3 years of his episodes having a pattern of every 10 days or so, meaning we would have 10 smooth, kind, loving, supportive days until he would split or rage. Lately his mood swings are daily, and he splits me daily or every other day. I finally can see how this marriage has taken its toll on my own health and well being. I wanted so badly to learn new healthy ways of communicating, I wanted so much to have more patience and just be able to endure the emotional abuse for a little longer, and then a little longer. I was planning on playing the long game and just hoping that one day my husband would start to see his part in this, and gain some insight and want help. I now know I just can't wait any longer. I need to focus my energy on myself and my child.

[BigOof]

Am I ridiculous thinking I can represent myself?

To be frank, yes. Most people here are divorcing someone they love, but exactly like you, can't handle the cycle of abuse:

https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/

Though lawyers and doctors cost a lot, in my case, they're infinitely better at representing my interests factually and with the emotional turmoil removed.

[GaGrl]

If you have no children and a pre-nup, the cost of a lawyer to handle the filings and formalizing the pre-nup agreements into a settlement agreement should be minimal and should move quickly. I definitely advise the help of a lawyer.

[Cat Familiar]

Absolutely you need a lawyer. I tried to do a divorce with a high conflict husband through legal aid. I didn’t think it would be complicated. Hoo-boy! Did I learn my lesson that he couldn’t be trusted!

He got the most pit-bull attorney in town and went after me with a vengeance. He lied about assets and I was left playing defense.

Thankfully I found a great attorney. He became a judge shortly after my case. If not for him, I would have been really taken to the cleaners.

Law is precise. It’s not something to attempt as a do-it-yourself project. I’m now married to an attorney. He hires a lawyer for civil matters just as a precaution. The adage lawyers often cite is “A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client.”

[ForeverDad]

A great start is to have some consultations with experienced lawyers in your local area who are familiar with the local court.  They have their fingers on the pulse of what works an what doesn't work.  And consultations are relatively inexpensive, there is no requirement to hire them on the spot and pay a retainer.

You're right that you tried to reduce complications but dealing with PD obstructions and sabotages can be overwhelming.

One suggestion I heard long ago...

A question that is very proper to make is this:  "If you were pondering a divorce with a very high conflict spouse, who would you hire to represent and defend you?"  That lawyer would want to select from the very best available in the area, right?  Why can't you build a short list of excellent experienced lawyers to choose from too?

Reminder, you're consulting with lawyers, not yet hiring one.  They should know they won't get everyone who walks in the door as a client.  They should know you need one who can handle your very difficult circumstances.  You need more than one who usually fills out standard forms and holds hands.

A question about your prenup.  Was it legally prepared, with two attorneys?  I've heard that in most states each party must have had his/her own separate attorney representing his/her interests.  Any less and its efficacy may be contested.

[PeteWitsend]

A few things I wish I would have considered or understood better before hiring an attorney:

- unless you can verify independently that an attorney has experience dealing with "high conflict divorces" or "BPD issues," don't believe it when they merely say they do.

- And a competent attorney who has not had specific experience dealing with BPD/high conflict divorces is better than an incompetent one who has.

- a higher retainer or even higher hourly rate may not mean that attorney's representation will be more expensive in the long run; dishonest/incompetent attorneys can pad their bills on BS work.  

- beware uneven performance; an attorney may come out "guns blazing"... but a month later won't return your emails for weeks.  if you get a bad feeling, move on before they drop the ball.  Don't wait for it to happen.  and don't believe any excuses

[alleyesonme]

A few things I wish I would have considered or understood better before hiring an attorney:

- unless you can verify independently that an attorney has experience dealing with "high conflict divorces" or "BPD issues," don't believe it when they merely say they do.

- And a competent attorney who has not had specific experience dealing with BPD/high conflict divorces is better than an incompetent one who has.

- a higher retainer or even higher hourly rate may not mean that attorney's representation will be more expensive in the long run; dishonest/incompetent attorneys can pad their bills on BS work.  

- beware uneven performance; an attorney may come out "guns blazing"... but a month later won't return your emails for weeks.  if you get a bad feeling, move on before they drop the ball.  Don't wait for it to happen.  and don't believe any excuses

AMEN!

[Liren]

I advise you to get a lawyer if you possibly can.  I had to borrow money from my family to pay the retainer, but I really believe it will be worth it.  I'm in the very early stages of divorce myself, but so far my lawyer has really helped to put my mind at ease, explained what I didn't know and brought up things I wouldn't have even thought of.  And I don't have to deal with or talk to my ex at all (I have a no-contact restraining order), just let the lawyers handle communication.

[AnaisNin]

all great advice. Ya'll have convinced me to get legal representation. I answered my phone yesterday to hear how my husband is going to "PLEASE READ me over so bad and make my life hell". of course.

Yes the prenup was signed by each of our respective lawyers so it should stand up in court, although my husband will likely try to have it overturned.

could bite him in the arse since he's the bigger $$ maker and earns 4 times what I make.

Wish me luck...