Adult Daughter with BPD Going Nuclear

[Parents! Get help here!]

I'm a 66-year-old mother of one daughter (who hits close to 100% of the BPD "checklist" of behaviors); grandmother of one almost 17-year old girl.  Our small family has endured some big hardships in the last couple of years (granddaughter's father died of cancer, daughter married a meth addict and has created for herself some serious financial issues, my physical health very challenging). I moved into her house 6 months ago b/c of health issues.  Tough under normal circumstances but for a BPD sufferer, terrible stresses.  A lot of responsibility has fallen onto her.  She sees her long-term (years!) therapist at least once a week, and takes her prescribed meds, which have helped her remain more stable in the past.  The meth addict is out of the house for now. 

In the past year, J's BPD symptoms have continued to escalate and I can see no end in sight.  Many days she's a nuclear bomb with a hair trigger.

I've gotten to watch first-hand what she ("J") does to my granddaughter ("M") and I see how miserable and confused and angry she is, and it is killing me.  We have talked in the past about her mom's illness, and she understands to a point, but that doesn't stop the screaming insults and paranoia and utterly inconsistent attention that she gets from J.  My suggestions to J that they try some therapy together have gone unheeded.
I've done a lot of work trying to connect M to her own therapist(s), but the initial appointments always fail for some mysterious reason, and J does not pursue them further.

As for myself, I am guilty of (1) picking a terrible, ultimately seriously mentally ill person to father a child and (2) however inadvertently, putting her in the way of a pedophile when she was 6.  So she has both genetic and environmental aspects to her illness, both thanks to me.  And, yes, I divorced her father when she was 2, and put her into therapy immediately after she told me about the abuse, but the harm was already done.

This is my fault.  But sticking around is really hard.  What I have to look forward to is gutting it out for another 15 years or so, witnessing and being impacted by the chaos and misery. I'm one of the few relatively stable people in M's life.  But I don't think that ultimately my presence will make a difference for her.  It's obvious from the number of books and websites in support of children of BPD parents that the damage to them can be very severe.  I already see hers.

I could (and would) commit suicide. But do I want my legacy to be that I abandoned my family?   I know that some who read this will be offended by that idea, but I am not a believer in "life at any cost". 

I would gladly welcome comments and suggestions and support from those who have
experienced similar situations.  I am at a loss for what to do.    Thank you.

[Treefrog5]

I'm a 66-year-old mother of one daughter (who hits close to 100% of the BPD "checklist" of behaviors); grandmother of one almost 17-year old girl.  Our small family has endured some big hardships in the last couple of years (granddaughter's father died of cancer, daughter married a meth addict and has created for herself some serious financial issues, my physical health very challenging). I moved into her house 6 months ago b/c of health issues.  Tough under normal circumstances but for a BPD sufferer, terrible stresses.  A lot of responsibility has fallen onto her.  She sees her long-term (years!) therapist at least once a week, and takes her prescribed meds, which have helped her remain more stable in the past.  The meth addict is out of the house for now. 

In the past year, J's BPD symptoms have continued to escalate and I can see no end in sight.  Many days she's a nuclear bomb with a hair trigger.

I've gotten to watch first-hand what she ("J") does to my granddaughter ("M") and I see how miserable and confused and angry she is, and it is killing me.  We have talked in the past about her mom's illness, and she understands to a point, but that doesn't stop the screaming insults and paranoia and utterly inconsistent attention that she gets from J.  My suggestions to J that they try some therapy together have gone unheeded.
I've done a lot of work trying to connect M to her own therapist(s), but the initial appointments always fail for some mysterious reason, and J does not pursue them further.

As for myself, I am guilty of (1) picking a terrible, ultimately seriously mentally ill person to father a child and (2) however inadvertently, putting her in the way of a pedophile when she was 6.  So she has both genetic and environmental aspects to her illness, both thanks to me.  And, yes, I divorced her father when she was 2, and put her into therapy immediately after she told me about the abuse, but the harm was already done.

This is my fault.  But sticking around is really hard.  What I have to look forward to is gutting it out for another 15 years or so, witnessing and being impacted by the chaos and misery. I'm one of the few relatively stable people in M's life.  But I don't think that ultimately my presence will make a difference for her.  It's obvious from the number of books and websites in support of children of BPD parents that the damage to them can be very severe.  I already see hers.

I could (and would) commit suicide. But do I want my legacy to be that I abandoned my family?   I know that some who read this will be offended by that idea, but I am not a believer in "life at any cost". 

I would gladly welcome comments and suggestions and support from those who have
experienced similar situations.  I am at a loss for what to do.    Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Treefrog5
I am certainly not offended by anything you say. I feel grateful to those who post honestly on this site - which is everyone I think - because I know I have gone through something of nearly what every person has said here. It must be the nature of BPD - and the experience of those who have supported a BPD child over many, many years.

I have read your post several times and I end up with a lot of questions. The one I focus on is whether it would be better/possible for you to move to your own place?

You mention that you moved in with your dd due to ill health. Having lived with my dd and her ice addicted bf, I can't think of anything worse! Did you need a lot of physical support - perhaps you still need this?

I am wondering whether having your own place would help in a few ways: you would at least have some space/times when you are not having to witness the awful situation between dd and gd; it could also give gd another place to go for respite. I know this would be my preference - to have my own place where gd could come and dd come too, but we are all under the one roof and it is very challenging.

There are so many difficulties in relating to a child with BPD and a grandchild. In my experience if I try to do anything for gd, then dd gets jealous and it creates more trouble. When dd used to be out a lot, it was so much easier.

I hope you will post again to say how things are with you. You are in my thoughts.

[Rev]

Hi Tree,

I am just wanting to echo that there is nothing you could say here that would be "offensive".  I am hearing that you've been carrying a lot of painful memories and current events. There is nothing harder than to watch our children suffer.

I too hope that you keep reaching out here. People have lots of experience and are good listeners.

With much love,

Rev