Son newly diagnosed

[Lovingmum]

Hello I can't tell you how relieved I am to found a support group.
 
It seems really hard to find support for parents who have no idea how to support a grown adult child who isn't communicating.

 My son is 24 And lives at home with us.
 I split from his father when he was 18 months old. I encouraged a relationship with his dad as i believed it was best for him. however often he would come back angry or frustrated for a day or 2. Some time he'd let him down. Never behaviour problems at school. Just very difficult at home with anger out bursts.
 Untill he turned 15, when he was bullied and started to change his image, emo. Mood became much worse.

Escuculated to drug use, self harm etc.
For a few years moved out into my parents home as my marriage was falling apart. Then be moved in with his dad, who bought him drugs,beat a gf up Infront of him and that was the last time he saw his dad 6 years ago.
Years of gone on and the last 2 years he has held down a good job.Although We found out he was gambling and in debt.
Suicide attempt has resulted in mh assessment diagnosis of bpd.
He's now signed off from work and seems to have gotten worse since diagnosis. I'm terrified he won't go back to work and he's done so well. Even git promoted 3 months ago. He is under the community mental health team.
My question is how do you set boundaries. Do I just keep my mouth shut when he hurls abuse at me?
I've ordered a book to better understand the  condition.
He seems to have found some friends with bpd and some symptoms have gotten worse. We feel it's like a trophy for him.

I don't see how not working will help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Lovingmum
It's been a long journey for you. I remember the first time I found bpd family and read others' posts. I was so relieved to find others who were going through the same thing, whose loved children hurled abuse and broke the boundaries.

This meant that I was not alone in my awful experience. My friends didn't understand - and I was so confused as to what I should do. Then I found all these wonderful people who struggled day in day out with the same tremendous difficulties.

Your question is about how do you set boundaries. That's a frequent topic here and there are different opinions. There are recommended reading etc that can help you in how you communicate with your son, and I think people find these very helpful.

I think there are two aspects to this issue. One is whether or not your son would respect the boundary and I think the other is what kind of boundary does he over step.

So questions would be - is verbal abuse the main issue, does he destroy property, or use your property without permission etc?

I so agree with you about wondering how not having the work can be helpful. My dd is not really able to work and it creates all sorts of problems (she too has substance abuse problems).

In relation to verbal abuse, yes I do just not respond. It was so bad here I realised it was almost like an alien taking dd over - any tiny comment from me would just escalate the abuse and it worried me that she might become violent - she was very close a couple of times.

Then I learnt to 'greystone rock'. During one outburst I told her I wouldn't answer because it made her emotions worse and she needed time for her emotions to come down.

After that I just don't respond at all. I try to imagine the words going over my head and make sure my mind is on something else eg what I am going to do next.

When our children are adults we can't guide them in the same way unless they want us to - and most bpd young adults seem to focus on blaming a parent or primary caregiver. It is heart breaking.

Things are much better since I started 'greystone'.  I see myself as just walking beside dd ie not interacting with her much. I provide a roof over her head for herself and her daughter, I provide food.

Gradually her demanding money has greatly lessened, and she is mostly able to get through quite a few days - even a week - without abusing me. Meantime I go about my life with work and all the household things.

I would like my life to be different. I would like to move, see friends more, do other things. But at least this is better than it has been for many years.

Thank you for posting. Everyone who posts gives a gift to us all - the gift of knowing we are not alone.