Dad here trying to find my Zen

[Jollyroro]

Good day everyone.  I am just reaching out to the community to say hello and find the support when needed.  My daughter (15) has been in residential treatment twice in the last year and change.  She is in a therapeutic day school and gets group sessions there on top of her individual  and psychiatric time.

But her lack of progress is finally taking a toll on myself and her mom, not that it hasn't already.  But this week I am feeling the weight of no end in sight, and it is difficult.  So I am now here, looking for support and reviewing the materials.

I hope to continue to participate and share my own experiences as well.

Thanks for listening!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[e2021]

Hi there,
I'm so sorry you're going through that. You are not alone. All I can tell you is that you're doing everything you're supposed to do. It's amazing that you have been able to offer her so much support. Is she willing to go to these therapy sessions or is it only because of you and her mom? Either way, it's great that one way or another you are able to get her to go and at least listen to the help that is offered to her. It may seem like it's not helping, and of course it is possible that it won't, but she is still young. There is time for her still to want real change for herself and take some of these things to heart. To some extent, she is attending therapy sessions and things in her own accord, as at that age the only options are to drag her kicking and screaming or to convince her in some way. It may seem like all is lost but it isn't. Since she is young still, she has the typical teen angst on top of real mental health issues. Plenty of people with BPD improve their relationship to their family and live meaningful lives. Of course it still means accepting some realities about the future, but a meaningful life for her and a meaningful relationship for you both is not out of the question.
My advice is don't give up hope yet. I think that some of the posts here may seem like horror stories to you, but while your pain is real and valid, and there are real issues going on, she is still growing up and may not have the same fate as some of the families on here.
Your efforts are never in vain, and it sounds like you're a great parent faced with a difficult job. I wish you all the best, stay strong.

[Sancho]

Hi Jollyroro
When my dd was 15 I wish I had been 'trying to find my zen'.  I think you are on the right track in the sense that, yes it is a long haul and no one can say how long. The only information on that that I got was that often the symptoms were relieved when the person was in their 30s.

When I came here I read about finding time for yourself etc but I wasn't good at doing that. It has taken me a long time to begin to find my zen.

Sometimes it seems as though things are a little better for me here - then it all explodes again. But I have learnt to 'let go' - the most important thing, though really hard to do when dd is 15; I have learnt to let the abuse go past me, and not enter into the intense emotional moments.

I feel quite 'zenish' at times. Life can be awful and I feel myself just drifting with it all, doing what I have to do and what I can when I can. I feel peaceful a lot of the time.

By knowing that you need to look for this now, you are way ahead of where I was in the journey. Keep reading and searching. We can't live our children's lives for them, we can only be there if and when they accept support.

Let's know if you are able to move into that mode as you journey with your daughter. Thanks for posting.

[wendydarling]

Hi Jollyroro  

It's a journey and requires buckets of patience, Zen.  

If you've not yet read, I recommend reading Building A Life Worth Living by Marsha M Linehan, who developed DBT evidence-based psychotherapy that combines Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with Zen Buddhism. Published well after my DD was diagnosed (in 2015 at 26yrs).  

Patience is my second name, to getting to a better place.

WDx