Effects on Health

[Tanager]

I realize that the constant stress of bpd has impacted my health as well as family members. My blood pressure is out of control and I am fatigued. I know I am depressed and worn out. I think this is caused by never knowing when "the other shoe is going to drop." And drop it does. I could have a shoe store full of dropped shoes.  Many nights I jerk awake thinking my phone is ringing, usually hearing my daughter's ring tone. Even if my phone is off and in another room I hear this phantom ringing.  I think this is a result of feeling I need to be hyper-vigilant, always on call and there for my daughter. I wondered if anyone has similar experiences?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

I could have a shoe store full of dropped shoes.

SO relatable. You phrased that really well.

 In our case, my husband's kids' mom has BPD traits (and she's married to a guy with NPD traits, yay). The kids are 14 & 16 and don't really have BPD behaviors (beyond the "fleas"), so while it's not the kids setting me off, they often "import" conflict and bat-sh*t crazy stuff from Mom's house. It's Friday so the kids will be with us this weekend, and if I weren't numbing out, I would feel massive anxiety as the day wore on, wondering what I was going to go home to. It could be totally fine, or it could be a total meltdown with "You can't make me, I'm going back to Mom's, I'm not going with you, I'm not doing XYZ, I'm walking back" etc. So many Fridays I stay late at work because work is more predictable. Everyone else is "trying to leave early" but not me.

The constant unpredictability wears on us physically, as you're experiencing. The hyper-vigilance makes a lot of sense -- like you always need the adrenaline to be pumping "just in case"  you have to deal with something. I often feel like I have to be ready to be super-supportive of my DH, and what that takes is numbing myself to the huge anxiety and "wound up" feelings that I have. It's not healthy, I recognize that.

I think this is a result of feeling I need to be hyper-vigilant, always on call and there for my daughter.

Remind me, how old is your D? And is she still living at home?

I wonder if in your situation, you feel like if you weren't "there for her", that "worse things would happen to her"?

Many parents here will experiment a little bit with "helping less". Sometimes the most "helpful" thing to do is to bite the bullet and start "helping less" so the kids can learn to help themselves a little more. Is that something you've tried, yet?

Another thought is that it is really hard to help other people effectively, when we're depleted. Sleep deprivation is no foundation for thoughtful help. I wonder what would happen if you said to yourself "you know, I want to genuinely help my D, and the best way for me to do that is to model taking care of myself, so I can have resources to be wise in how I help her... tonight, I will put my phone on silent from 10pm to 6am and trust that long term this is helping her more..."

And you could try that one day at a time. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on that.

It's really hard to pay attention to and then care for our bodies when we are overwhelmed, so you are not alone.

kells76

[Swimmy55]

Great topic and the answer is a resounding yes.  I am currently struggling with mystery hives and some other health issues which started in 2021.  I have been estranged from my adult son since 2020 due to his violence, etc.  I agree with Kells, we do need to turn to self care , or sometimes the body forces us to self care.

[Sancho]

Hi Tananger. I think we have a degree of PTSD. I know I have the same reaction when the phone rings. A few years ago I think I was in a terrible state and had all the symptoms you talk about in your post: almost anxiety attacks whenever phone rang, waking up middle of night with mind racing and sick feeling in the stomach; trying to think of ways to anticipate the next crisis and trying to steer things so it didn't happen; stressing about how to get dd to a doctor or to get her to look after herself. Sometimes I felt as though I was so anxious I was physically falling apart!

Coming to this site was a great help. I saw that others had tried everything and things had changed very little. I began to see that I was pretty powerless in the face of this illness and dd being an adult in particular - I had no say.

So began a slow process of letting go. As I let go, I became less anxious etc and slept better. Sometimes having a counsellor to help you do this is a really good step. I had little mantras such as the 'I didn't cause it' one or sending loving thoughts to dd whenever my anxiety was high.

I found some natural remedies - bach flower essences in particular were a great help.

Thank you for posting. Every person who contributes here helps all of us deal with the enormous burden we carry.

[Tanager]

Thank you for the good suggestions. My husband and I are nearing 70 and have neglected our own health. My husband especially has serious issues. We keep saying we need to focus on ourselves, but then there's another crisis and we postpone the tests, the doctor's visit, healthy eating, etc.  I will definitely work on this because we can't help her if we are unhealthy ourselves.