Update: I left, now the games begin

[Aurylian]

More of an update, but advice is always welcome.  I left my wife last Monday.  I had to wait three hours for her to get off the phone, which just about killed me, but finally made it.  Love bombing and hard emotions started immediately as expected, but I stayed the course and was firm.  I was fortunate to get my D16 to live with one of her friends for a few days before having her stay with her mom, which I was hoping was enough time for things to settle.  My mistake.  I move into an apartment next Tuesday and my current arrangement is not a great one for D16 to live in.  Unfortunately, when D16 went back home Friday, BPD mom has almost non-stop bashed me to the point where D16 has been in tears many times.  We communicate on snapchat so that helps.  D20 came home from college Friday to help deflect that drama and stayed until last night.  I'm keeping a close eye on the situation and am prepared to whisk her away upon her request. D16 is scheduled to be with me Tuesday-Friday.

One of the key issues I'm dealing with is that BPD mom is gone the victim route, telling everyone I never told her why I left and painting me black.  Either consciously or unconsciously she is not eating enough either.  She has eating issues and was already 30 lbs under her weight when we got married.  Now she is likely 5'9" and 120 lbs.  This is causing great concern amongst those she is victiming to and they are trying to get me to leave D16 with her for two more weeks.  Hell the no.  I am a bit concerned she will starve herself into the hospital in an attempt to find someone to rescue her.  The immediate problem is she has alienated her friends and I had to text someone who I thought could help to come see her.  That friend has stayed at the house every night, but will be out of the country next week.  So, BPDw will be alone for the first time.

Concerns:
1) self harm while she is alone, through starvation or other;
2) She is imploding right now with me leaving, but the likely conclusion in the near future is we have to tell her D16 will be living with me 100% until she can get some help.  I don't know if she can survive that.  I know her choices are hers and not my responsibility, but she is laying the groundwork for everyone blaming me if she ends up harmed or dead.  I can probably live with that knowing that I was able to save D16. 

I will have a lot to talk with my T about this week. 

[sterlingblue]

This is an extremely difficult situation, but it sounds like you are looking at things rationally and sensibly.  Keep doing that, because that will lead to the best chance of a good outcome for all.  Ultimately, as you know, there are things beyond your control.

Thank you for sharing your story.  I can relate to a lot of what you said, and it helps me feel less alone.

Is it possible for you to find a better living arrangement for D16?  It sounds like that would help. A loan to help you afford it may be a good investment at this time if it's necessary.

[Aurylian]

The apartment I go into Tuesday will be shared with her, and she is actually excited about that.  If things get to where I need to take her today or tomorrow then I can get a hotel room for a couple nights. 

[Cat Familiar]

Whether self harming is a scary manipulation or if it’s a genuine threat, I understand how distressing it is to the spouse who is leaving. That she is putting your younger daughter in the middle of this is unconscionable.

Like you, I had to steel myself for whatever outcome my ex chose, knowing it was out of my control.

But like a cat falling out of a window, he landed on his feet…then a couple of years later, I heard from his next girlfriend that he was *holding her hostage* with suicide threats. Years later he’s apparently still alive, as I get calls from creditors trying to locate him after skipping out on bills.

You are providing a safe space for your daughters and that’s your most important responsibility.

 
Cat

[ForeverDad]

Fortunately your daughters are old enough to "vote with their feet" and come stay with you whenever their mother is too much to deal with.  Unfortunately, they've been under the influence of their mother for many years, it will be hard for them to stand up for themselves.

I separated and divorced when my son was nearly 4 years old.  At first his mother had favorable orders but over the years I got custody and majority time.  He's an adult now and court orders are in the past, but he still doesn't know how to hang up his phone when his mother is on a tirade.

You're concerned about her starving herself.  You're one of the Nice Guys and Nice Gals.  Whoopee!  But you already said she was underweight when you married her, some 20 years ago... And she's not dead yet.  One of the control tactics pwBPD use are threats to harm themselves.  Are they control threats or real suicidal attempts, this time?  You are not qualified to decide, leave that aspect in the hands of trained professionals.  She's an adult, she is responsible for herself.  Focus on yourself and your daughters.

We always talk about getting your ducks in a row, as in making plans.  You almost did it, just a week off with the new home.  How are your other preparations going?  Have you planned a divorce?  Do you have a lawyer already to help you anticipate and address the myriad unexpected sabotages?

Oh, and don't listen to those saying your minor teen daughter should stay with her mother for weeks at a time.  Likely that would be stretched out even longer.

Neither daughter should become a caretaker.  Maybe a goal can be that D16 can make it only day visits, long visits are not advisable.  After all, in less than two years domestic court authority ceases when she becomes a legal adult.  (Be sure your temp order is as good as possible because it can take a year or more to get a final decree and by then she will have aged out of the system.)

If your spouse is not coached, don't you do it, she would probably say "I need my daughters" rather than the healthier "my daughters need their parents".  Acting-out disordered persons are usually self-centered and with subjective perceptions rather than objective ones.

[Aurylian]

We always talk about getting your ducks in a row, as in making plans.  You almost did it, just a week off with the new home.  How are your other preparations going?  Have you planned a divorce?  Do you have a lawyer already to help you anticipate and address the myriad unexpected sabotages?
...

Neither daughter should become a caretaker.  Maybe a goal can be that D16 can make it only day visits, long visits are not advisable.  After all, in less than two years domestic court authority ceases when she becomes a legal adult.  (Be sure your temp order is as good as possible because it can take a year or more to get a final decree and by then she will have aged out of the system.)

So the good news is that I was very well prepared.  I found a lawyer and had two calls before I left to make sure I understood everything.  I also made of list of all the bank accounts and the like that needed to be updated quickly.  I moved half the savings to a place only I could access. I started looking for a T for my D16 a couple months ago, but post-covid that is challenging, but she has her first session this week.  I had a go bag for D16 and me in my car a couple days before I left. 

I'm not terribly concerned that D16 spends any time with her mom in the future.  Actually, if it's what she wants, I have no problem with taking her 100%, and if that wasn't the case before this last week, it may be now.  I have not discussed it with her because I want to have clean hands if it goes to a hearing.  She will be discussing it with her T, and then hopefully will let me know what she decided.

My biggest concern is that her mom harms herself and D16 feels guilty because of the heavy layer of FOG her mom is laying down right now.  I'm keeping a close eye and have no problem removing her instantly.  It will be very unpopular with all those that BPDw is lying to, but I really don't care about any of those people. 

Not sure how to implement this, but I need to set up a boundary that if BPDw bashes me to D16, then I will pick up D16 to stay with me for at least one week.  The problem is BPDw is smart enough to only do it when nobody but D16 is there, so then D16 becomes a leaker.  But, that may be unavoidable.  D18 and D20 are have agency and can make their own boundaries.  D16 isn't there yet.