behaviours go against my core values, how do we get through?

[Suassíos]

Dear Group,
My husband has BPD, diagnosed after inpatient admission 2 years ago. He has shared with me that his mental health team and he believe he suffers from complex trauma due to childhood home environment. He considers the two things the ctrauma and BPD to be separate but linked issues and both are involved when he “acts out”. Acting out usually takes the form of absolute rage towards me, about things I have never said or done, these rages go on for days. Perhaps typically somewhere during the day he will say he is sorry and there is calm for a few hours before he picks up where he left off. We have two young children. We are together 23 years, married 15 years, he always had a few behaviours that were worrying at the back of my mind, serious issues arose 10 years ago after he went on 2 week overseas trip with his parents and siblings, I could not go to this family wedding as it was in a developing country and my 2 children were very young and it was very expensive to travel there. I thought he would have a nice time with his family he never told me there were issues with them. Since then behaviours have snowballed into frequent tantrums. Despite having a good trauma therapist, completing a radical openness outpatient programme,&  I have completed family connections, he has a great Family doctor, the patterns of behaviour continue. He seems unwilling to break the cycles. His lying and cruelty are fundamentally at odds with my core values: I do not have a framework for being ok with lying or cruelty. It doesn’t matter that it’s directed at me I do not want to be married to someone who ever lies or is ever cruel to anyone and I don’t think there is ever an excuse or justification for that. He always agrees afterwards that he knew objectively what he was saying about me was not true but that he had true feelings of paranoia and truly needed to respond to them. What do I do? What hope is there? I also have stage 4 cancer, have had for 6 years, was told I would be unlikely to make it to the age of 40 but I’m here still and 45! If I die he has full custody of kids. This is why I’m still here. I have to help him to change for their sakes. What do I do?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[healthfreedom4s]

Hi Sussios,
If you have not already, I believe it will help to read about boundaries page in the forum.
I am in a similar situation. I am finding it difficult to establish boundaries - defining them in the first place, script to talk, how to handle if boundaries are violated etc.. I plan to journal or write down all these.
I don’t have a good answer for you, but wanted to tell you that I have similar experience. I will let you know of any progress that I make with boundaries.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I am sorry...

This is not what you will want to hear, but it is a time for radical acceptance : you cannot change him. Only him has this power and with a PD, changing is hard and require a lot of willpower, and even then, the changes will be limited.

You won't get through to him, but you still have time to get through to your kids.

Is there someone you trust around them that could offer a safe area for them once every week of two weeks?

Have you thought of writing them? A letter or to talk to them via recordings? Giving them cues and reminding them of their own power as they grow older (so that they don't lose themselves into their father's PD once you are gone).

I want to acknowledge the timer you said you were racing against... Don't lose time on your husband, focus on your kids, on finding ways to get through to them through time...

Hug

[Suassíos]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply, and for your advice. I am very grateful.

I re-read the boundaries information, thank you.

I have great kids and they are working really hard at maintaining their sense of selves through this. I am trying to reinforce the message that Dad is unwell and this illness fuels his behaviours, and while we need to appreciate that it is very important that they understand behaviours like this are not ok. I think it’s working, my older boy had art therapy with a therapist who is very familiar with BPD and I can see this really helped him. My younger guy is on a wait list for play therapy. The school are aware there are issues and have been paying attention to signs of anxiety or distress in the classroom. There was an issue a few years ago, but since then reports are all positive and reassuring.

I know I am lucky that I coincidentally work in mental health services and so have a rough idea of how and where to look for help. While my own family and friends are supportive and aware, there is a whole family dynamic on his side and he is repeating patterns of behaviour he learned and it’s heartbreaking that he grew up in a home where this was normalised.

It’s frightening that if I die he will have control, I am trying to support my husband to make good responsible choices, I know he is working on this, but it just isn’t as successful as it needs to be and as I know in my heart he can be. I know I am sort of deliberately avoiding the real meaning of radical acceptance, even though our facilitator in family connections course was really good at highlighting this: I might not want to be in this situation but I am now and not to waste time wishing I wasn’t etc and put every ounce of energy into figuring out how to get through the situation and beyond it. I guess I hear positivity in that message and block the real message of “this is happening and not likely to change”.  I think my Hope and optimism on good days make the hurt and disappointment of bad days even harder to cope with.

I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, it’s extremely difficult and my heart goes out to all of you in this group and the challenges you face and are working hard to figure your way through.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I was thinking about your thread earlier and how you mentioned his behavior worstened over the course of recent years, since a trip he made with his family.

Anyway this also coincide with your illness?

Fear of abandonment drives borderline behaviors. And your illness is a reminder of the "ultimate abandonment", a vulnerability we all share, yet all forget until we can't ignore it anymore : death. Any way your cancer triggers his fear of abandonment, making his behaviors worst than usual? Is he in therapy?

[Suassíos]

Yes he has a trauma therapist. For anyone who can encourage their partner to go to therapy I would really recommend seeking out someone who has an expertise in BPD or trauma. I googled who in our locality might have published journal articles on BPD then emailed them and asked if they had a recommendation for a therapist. I learned this the hard way from some failed therapy try outs, that some therapists do not have the knowledge or skills needed to address BPD specific issues and help find solutions.

The family trip did not coincide with the start of my cancer, cancer came about 6 months later and sometimes I think the extreme stress of dealing with his sudden change in behaviours was a factor in me getting cancer, I also got shingles and lost weight before cancer diagnosis, which are not symptoms of my type of cancer but stress is a risk factor for developing cancer. , but yes it may have contributed to the way it’s played out. I think for me it made me more wary of his symptoms and more determined to do something about it rather than letting things go, knowing that it would be way too much for my kids to manage on their own if I did die. And also having a near death experience probably made me say “hang on enough of this nonsense life is too short and this is not right and isn’t helping anyone”.

His psychiatrist seems to feel it’s a straightforward case of adverse childhood factors. And apparently that with the right help it’s easier to overcome than where the factors are less straightforward.