Just a vent/discussion: Control and Cruelty

[WitzEndWife]

I'm setting my "D" plan in motion and getting my ducks in a row (1.5 months until I get him out). But, in the meantime, I'm trying to act as "normal" as possible. We're taking a road trip together next weekend. I'm trying to keep things humming along.

Meanwhile, his tactics of creating an adversarial relationship with me continue to evolve over time. We no longer bring up politics because I refuse to talk about it, and then he raged at me for spending Sundays (his only day off) at the barn. I stopped doing that to keep the peace, so he basically has reverted back to nitpicking at me for various things and making rude remarks toward me.

These past several days, he has been especially rude. Every time I ask him a question, he snaps at me. It has a very, "Mo-om! Get out of my room!" kind of vibe to it. Like, the other night he was up abnormally late for a week night with the TV blaring, so I texted him when I woke up at 1 a.m., saying, "Do you not have school tomorrow?" He responded with a sharp, "What's it to you?" Like, heaven forbid I ask a simple question. Apparently he DID have school the next day and was just up late, so he took it as a criticism.

His responses to me are pointed and then he often lines up his criticisms of me back to back, like, "Why is the bathroom fan on upstairs?" "You forgot to change the dogs' water up here - POOR DOGS!" "Did you empty the dishwasher yet?" etc. Meanwhile, his stuff is scattered EVERYWHERE - clothes, books, drinking glasses, paperwork, etc. He is a walking "Pigpen" character with his stuff. He leaves chaos in his wake. And yet he portrays ME, who keeps most stuff contained and mostly organized (I'm not perfect), as either lazy or messy, often pointing to something I left somewhere and saying, "What's this? Where does this go?" like a father scolding a child.

I know it's not that much longer yet, but lately this stuff is making me REALLY angry. Like, I have fantasized a couple of times about punching him or slapping him in the face, and I am not at all a violent person. Maybe it's because I'm done and I'm in the home stretch, so it makes all of this seem all the more unbearable. Especially when he orders me to do something his exact way. Like, I came home with groceries and parked in my usual spot, but NO, he wanted me to restart the car and pull up in a particular spot right in front of the house so that he didn't have to walk an extra 10 feet. With a normal person, maybe this wouldn't bother me so much, but he is ALWAYS doing things like this, ordering me to do things HIS way. It makes me seethe. And then I was irritated and of course he made me out to be a bad person because I complained. It's maddening.

I suspect I'm going to have to do a lot of recovery from all of this. It's going to be a long time before I am unworried about not doing things in his exact ways. I could use some support, encouragement, anything to help keep me going (and calm). Thank the heavens I have therapy on Thursday!

[formflier]

Did you move the car?

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

One question, was it really that he didn't want to walk the extra 10 feet?  You could have taken the bags out and walked them to the spot he wanted the car.  His response, whether he carried the bags the rest of the way inside, would have documented whether it was the extra walking or he was being controlling just to be in control.

[Notwendy]

I have had some similar exchanges with my BPD mother. Once I took out the garbage and she got upset with me that the cans were not in the exact place on the curb and wanted me to move them 3 inches over ( they were in the right place and would have been fine where they were ). Mostly this kind of behavior comes from them feeling out of control so there's the wish to control what they can.

I think you are experiencing the poor emotional regulation skills that tend to go with BPD. On your part, you are allowing yourself to feel your own feelings- and don't judge them. We feel what we feel. I know you have enough control to not cause harm but feelings are personal to you and you can be aware of them.

[WitzEndWife]

I moved the car, yes. But this kind of stuff is constant. I would be in a battle 24/7 if I planted my feet at every single thing. At any rate, I don't have that much more time to go at this point, I just need to keep my sanity until then, and for me, that's not engaging in conflict, which means not staging a sit-in at every single one of his requests.

Say I refused to move the car. This would result in him blowing up at me for half a day, where I would get nothing done because I'm either evading him or he is yelling at me and causing me distress. It's easier for me to just move the car, get annoyed and slam the car door as I exit, then him reacting and saying, "What's YOUR problem? If you're going to be that way and have a bad attitude, you might as well just go be by yourself!" End scene.

[Cat Familiar]

"What's YOUR problem? If you're going to be that way and have a bad attitude, you might as well just go be by yourself!"

This looks like an opportunity  . Maybe you could exploit these moments. 

[WitzEndWife]

This looks like an opportunity  . Maybe you could exploit these moments. 

LOL I REALLY wanted to, but I didn't want to seem TOO eager, with trying to stay neutral and all. And, besides, that offer comes with a price, of course. 

[formflier]

Say I refused to move the car. This would result in him blowing up at me for half a day, where I would get nothing done because I'm either evading him or he is yelling at me and causing me distress. It's easier for me to just move the car, get annoyed and slam the car door as I exit, then him reacting and saying, "What's YOUR problem? If you're going to be that way and have a bad attitude, you might as well just go be by yourself!" End scene.

Based on your divorce plans, I'm responding to this for others that may come along and read this thread.

My guess is that you are right on what he would do, but I would modify that to say "for the first few days". 

If someone "holds" against a pwBPD  that is trying to control them, eventually the pwBPD will change tactics and try "it" less.  Because "it" isn't working.

The longer this kind of dynamic is  "enabled"...the harder it usually is to get back to a healthy balance.

Best,

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Good point, FF. If I actually wanted to work things out and live with this, I would definitely not be enabling the behavior. I just got tired of fighting battles and engaging in new "chess" tactics against him, so I figured I'd let him be king of the castle and shuffle me around like a pawn for a little while, as much as it pains me. It's probably also why I'm feeling more resentful than ever. Not a good way to live, overall.

[formflier]

  It's probably also why I'm feeling more resentful than ever. Not a good way to live, overall.

Yep...the building resentment has to be one of the toughest parts.

Best,

FF