Lost

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Have been in current relationship for what will be 4 years. Was love bombed in the beginning and became totally enraptured by my significant others personality, the way he understood me, and felt I could be myself. With a few mistakes I made I became the “enemy” to He and his immediate family. No apologies could make up for not “loving him when he needed to be loved.”  Quick background - Three young kids (mine), two additional kids (his) healthcare provider, breadwinner during a world wide pandemic. Can give say stress and juggling. He attempted to leave three times only to recoil. . To which after the third and a suicide attempt I said something has to change (he needed to see someone) . This clearly had been a pattern after learning his history in intimate relationships and seeing how he and his family. None lasted 2-3 years without some kind of upheaval. Drinking became worse, nasty comments grew more spiteful , resentment skyrocketed and his psychologist (newly dx him with BPD) has now become his favorite person. Love him immensely but when will enough be enough (he knows by now all my weaknesses and uses them against me)? I am a naturally happy person - he is not. He is (I think) trying but how to see through the truth vs bs when a trait is bpd sufferers can’t decide nor can rationalize? Stuck in limbo and lost…nothing appears to help. What approached have worked with others (while preserving your own boundaries)?

[Confused37]

Have been in current relationship for what will be 4 years. Was love bombed in the beginning and became totally enraptured by my significant others personality, the way he understood me, and felt I could be myself. With a few mistakes I made I became the “enemy” to He and his immediate family. No apologies could make up for not “loving him when he needed to be loved.”  Quick background - Three young kids (mine), two additional kids (his) healthcare provider, breadwinner during a world wide pandemic. Can give say stress and juggling. He attempted to leave three times only to recoil. . To which after the third and a suicide attempt I said something has to change (he needed to see someone) . This clearly had been a pattern after learning his history in intimate relationships and seeing how he and his family. None lasted 2-3 years without some kind of upheaval. Drinking became worse, nasty comments grew more spiteful , resentment skyrocketed and his psychologist (newly dx him with BPD) has now become his favorite person. Love him immensely but when will enough be enough (he knows by now all my weaknesses and uses them against me)? I am a naturally happy person - he is not. He is (I think) trying but how to see through the truth vs bs when a trait is bpd sufferers can’t decide nor can rationalize? Stuck in limbo and lost…nothing appears to help. What approached have worked with others (while preserving your own boundaries)?

[ForeverDad]

  Welcome!  You've found a peer support site where we have an immense storehouse of collective wisdom, won through experience and education.  Others will chime in soon with their thoughts.

Briefly... You can't fix him.  If he wants to find a measure of recovery from his issues, likely he would have to seek a professional to guide and advise him, for years and not just a few sessions.  And that's not you.  You have a history with him, a close emotional relationship and that aspect is too much emotional baggage for him to really listen to you.

Also, suicide threats ought to be addressed by those trained to handle and assess them, whether emergency responders or hospital services.  You as an ordinary spouse are not considered trained to determine whether they are actual suicidal ideations or manipulation attempts.

Let the trained personnel determine that. However, we can almost guarantee that when you make the call, your problem person will Deny any such behavior.  So... did you have it recorded or have a witness that can vouch for your call?

On the flip side, call the experts and you may find there are fewer suicidal threats in the future.  Ponder that.