Son speaks lucidly about his BPD

[RobertX]

We are getting more and more confused about our sons (19yrs) BPD diagnosis.  He speaks so clearly and lucidly about it - almost using it as a shield or a cloak that excuses his incredibly selfish behaviour.  He feels that we will never understand him due to his BPD, which he intellectualises about + lectures us about, and also blames his condition on us through exam stress.

Could he be unconsciously faking?  Or can you simultaneously have BPD and yet talk about it (calmly) almost in the third person?   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kol]

Hi Robert, I am new to all of this but my 18 year old daughter  is the very same way, she is a very smart girl and a lot of the time she rationalizes her actions by blaming it all on the disease in an intelligent, rational way.
If feels weird and fake at times like she is using it to get attention, I don’t know..
Sorry don’t have any advice just wanted to put it out there that  it’s the same over here. Maybe someone else can give us some insight..
Take care.

[Sancho]

Hi Robertx. Just a couple of thoughts . . . . . .
First of all just as there is an autism spectrum my understanding is there is a wide range of factors that any one bpd individual can have. You hear about 'high functioning' and 'low functioning' etc and this reflects in a huge range of capabilities.

But there are core features of the illness: the blaming, feelings of abandonment, and, in my experience there is a characteristic lack of ability to see another point of view. One example in my case is dd says to all and sundry how stressed she is being a parent while anyone can see that she has hardly been around to parent! But in her mind she is saying the truth. I think this is the 'borderline' part - on the border between reality and psychosis.

I also think that this is the case why BPD folk are very often taken as 'putting it on' or 'attention seeking'. Sometimes it all appears so 'fake' that people even question the diagnosis - I know my dd has suffered and still does from being treated as 'putting it on' by a wide circle of people.

It actually makes it so much harder I think when the behaviour is such that you keep feeling they might be putting it on. In my case I know that dd is not really aware when she is overbearing etc, she seems to be almost living in an other reality. I wonder whether your son, now that he knows his diagnosis, is just talking within that framework rather than having a deep understanding of how the condition affects the way he operates in the world.

If there is blaming, abandonment, need for attention and other criteria . . . . . . .unfortunately it's BPD!

[RobertX]

Thank you Sancho - interestingly there is no attention seeking, nor is there fear of abandonment with my son...he is happy to have little of no contact with us.  This has been a reason that in private we have questioned the diagnosis.  In the UK we have a Mental Health service called CAMHS.  Whilst trying to give a balanced view of them, they are overworked, under resourced and some of the least professional healthcare professionals I have ever come across.  They are far from being experts and I wonder if he has been mis diagnosed.   The only consistent areas with BPD are the mood swings (we are now seeing less of), the blaming (including things that have been totally made up) and the lack of self care (living in terrible conditions + very poor hygiene + risky life choices surrounding drug taking).   As long as he believes that he has BPD then so will we - however I have a nagging doubt that he is using the diagnosis as a cover for low aspiration and poor behaviour.  Things like JADE and HALT definitely work for us and have improved the way we interact - however even in family therapy sessions he seems desperate to 'win', constantly intellectualise about BPD and how stupid we are for not understanding it, and pounce on anything he can in order to escalate.  Much better than it was, but a long way to go.  Thanks again.

[livednlearned]

I've read here that the fear of abandonment is more of an abandonment of self, if that makes sense.

Instead of developing an authentic sense of self, pwBPD develop a false self that they cling to and choose over an authentic self that they repeatedly abandon. The fear of abandonment is then projected onto others because without a strong sense of real self, there are no boundaries to define that self.

It could be that he is misdiagnosed, too. Is he still doing drugs (to your knowledge)?

He seems willing to engage in family therapy sessions. How do you feel about those sessions? Is he doing individual therapy too?

[RobertX]

Thank you Livednlearned - that's an interesting thought.  Unfortunately he is a habitual user of cannabis (weed) although he uses 'very little' several times a day.  He has recently been allowed back to therapy locally in his home city where he studies (after missing 4x sessions consecutively), and we have had three family therapy sessions.  I am considering stepping back from the sessions as he uses them as an opportunity for mocking me and believes that we are the ones who need therapy.  I think I need to just let go until he explicitly asks for my help - which I will always be happy to give.  Deep down I think he knows this and can hence play with the jeopardy of being vile knowing that ultimately we will always support him.   

We are certainly enabling his lifestyle and its so difficult to know what the right thing to do is. He is studying for a degree and he will now speak with my wife - which is positive - however his explicit aim is to have her divorce me.  We are (and were) a very close family and he must know that the idea itself is ridiculous.  I am confident that things will improve but these are very 'hard yards'.  Thanks again for your comments.

[Sancho]

Hi Robertx.
Your observations re diagnosis are really interesting. I was going to ask about your son's substance abuse mainly because dd symptoms are very different/ameliorated by cannabis. In fact it is only when she runs out that the anger etc become very evident. I think regular use can really affect how the symptoms of bpd present.

I can understand being at a point where you want to step back - and also the fact that you are giving a lot of support particularly as he is able to continue with studies.

It is a dilemma for bpd parents. We can see the train wreck happening if we withdraw completely, yet it doesn't feel quite right to keep 'enabling'. I think we have to make the decisions that we think are the best at any given moment in time, knowing our own bpd child and the circumstances they are in.

Thanks for posting.

[RobertX]

Thank you Sancho.  If you've read the book 'Freakonomics' then you'll understand the principle of unintended or surprising consequences of economics...i.e. If we remove (or reduce) our financial support will this lead my son to 'high risk' strategies for making money.  I wish there was more evidence based work available of what strategies work best.   So far our check list includes, Get Therapy, Get Medication and set Boundaries.  The use of Affirmation / JADE and HALT are also working however his reaction to Affirmation appears to have given him increased confidence to be vile!  We will not give up!  Many thanks 

[livednlearned]

his reaction to Affirmation appears to have given him increased confidence to be vile! 

That's interesting ... with my stepdaughter (25), I learned it was possible to over-validate someone with BPD. It was like giving her the boot to kick me in the back of the head. I found she responds best when I take care of myself and treat her as accountable for her behaviors.

We had a member here for years who talked about taking an approach she called "light as a fairy" with her BPD son who abused drugs and lived in conditions she found substandard. It was a light touch with firm boundaries, plus a lot of insight into BPD symptoms.