What to Do When You're Partially To Blame

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I had an unfortunate experience yesterday with my co-parent with BPD. Our son fell and hit his head hard at day care and it raised a serious welt. I went into day care to check on him and he seemed O.K. other than the huge welt, and bruise. I just had to take half a week off of work because of a Covid exposure lockdown at the day care facility a week and a half ago. As a result, I wasn't too psyched about having to take more time off. I was inclined just to leave him in day care, but I decided I should get my co-parent's opinion on the matter.

 She lives five minutes away from the facility she picked out. So I decided to bring him over there and see what she thought. When I called her on the phone, she seemed like she didn't want to be bothered with it. When I got there 10 minutes later after a construction detour, I could see she was in a mood as soon as she walked out the door.

She immediately started berating me about it being my day and I was responsible and she was busy with work. She was also criticizing me for taking him out of his car seat.

This quickly turned into an argument.

What I was thinking was, "I see you're dysregulated again. You need serious help." However, I obviously couldn't say that. Instead what came out of my mouth was, "You're a terrible human being!" I know, I know... Please spare me the lectures, I should have just rolled with the punches, etc. We'd been doing much better lately and I let my guard down.

Anyway, this resulted in me receiving rapid fire texts about every hurtful thing I've said or done since the beginning of time. None of it had anything to do with the toddler with a head injury. I didn't bother to respond, yesterday. I was planning on sending her a message this morning that the boy was OK and I was sending him back to daycare today. Mostly so she knew where to pick him up, since she didn't seem too concerned about his condition. So this morning at about 6 a.m. she sent a few more thoughts about how bad I am. She closed with, "You have to stop saying things like, You're a terrible human being. That's Completely Inappropriate."

I responded basically with a BIFF that the boy was OK, and moving forward I wouldn't ask for her opinion on his care on days I was responsible for him. That set off a bunch more nastiness, and I just rephrased part of my first BIFF. She always has to get the last word, so she sent some more, "pleasantries" to me which I simply will not bother to respond to.

My question is this: In any normal relationship I would apologize for saying something inappropriate.  However, from what I've learned in a lot of the reading I've done, you're not supposed to apologize. In this specific case should I have apologized?

I really wish I could have just been straight with her and told her your BPD is sticking out right now. I realize that's never going to be an option.

[EZEarache]

I had an unfortunate experience yesterday with my co-parent with BPD. Our son fell and hit his head hard at day care and it raised a serious welt. I went into day care to check on him and he seemed O.K. other than the huge welt, and bruise. I just had to take half a week off of work because of a Covid exposure lockdown at the day care facility a week and a half ago. As a result, I wasn't too psyched about having to take more time off. I was inclined just to leave him in day care, but I decided I should get my co-parent's opinion on the matter.

 She lives five minutes away from the facility she picked out. So I decided to bring him over there and see what she thought. When I called her on the phone, she seemed like she didn't want to be bothered with it. When I got there 10 minutes later after a construction detour, I could see she was in a mood as soon as she walked out the door.

She immediately started berating me about it being my day and I was responsible and she was busy with work. She was also criticizing me for taking him out of his car seat.

This quickly turned into an argument.

What I was thinking was, "I see you're dysregulated again. You need serious help." However, I obviously couldn't say that. Instead what came out of my mouth was, "You're a terrible human being!" I know, I know... Please spare me the lectures, I should have just rolled with the punches, etc. We'd been doing much better lately and I let my guard down.

Anyway, this resulted in me receiving rapid fire texts about every hurtful thing I've said or done since the beginning of time. None of it had anything to do with the toddler with a head injury. I didn't bother to respond, yesterday. I was planning on sending her a message this morning that the boy was OK and I was sending him back to daycare today. Mostly so she knew where to pick him up, since she didn't seem too concerned about his condition. So this morning at about 6 a.m. she sent a few more thoughts about how bad I am. She closed with, "You have to stop saying things like, You're a terrible human being. That's Completely Inappropriate."

I responded basically with a BIFF that the boy was OK, and moving forward I wouldn't ask for her opinion on his care on days I was responsible for him. That set off a bunch more nastiness, and I just rephrased part of my first BIFF. She always has to get the last word, so she sent some more, "pleasantries" to me which I simply will not bother to respond to.

My question is this: In any normal relationship I would apologize for saying something inappropriate.  However, from what I've learned in a lot of the reading I've done, you're not supposed to apologize. In this specific case should I have apologized?

I really wish I could have just been straight with her and told her your BPD is sticking out right now. I realize that's never going to be an option.

[once removed]

I really wish I could have just been straight with her and told her your BPD is sticking out right now.

isnt this a way of saying that she over reacted to something that was valid?

instead of "hey, that really hurt my feelings", you got "youre the most hurtful person in the world, here are a thousand examples". it was still a hurtful thing that was said (not lecturing, its bound to happen).

However, from what I've learned in a lot of the reading I've done, you're not supposed to apologize

ive never heard of this. there is such a thing as not validating the invalid, and not apologizing for things that you didnt do; thats true in any relationship of any kind.

She closed with, "You have to stop saying things like, You're a terrible human being. That's Completely Inappropriate."

in the interest of a co-parenting relationship, is she wrong?

in the interest of a co-parenting relationship, what do you think is right?

[15years]

How would it feel for you to say to her, "I'm sorry for saying you're a terrible person, it wasn't nice of me", but without going into a discussion about it?

[EZEarache]

How would it feel for you to say to her, "I'm sorry for saying you're a terrible person, it wasn't nice of me", but without going into a discussion about it?

It would probably be a relief. Except for the fact that she's already trying to have a discussion about everything I've ever said that was inappropriate. So she will try to turn it into a discussion. She already asked me a bunch of questions on other topics, I'm not going to bother discussing with her.

Since people here don't seem familiar with my sentiment on not apologizing, and I can't include the exact source at this time. I'm going to go ahead and do it. Thank you.

[kells76]

It makes sense to act according to your values, whatever anyone else is doing. If you've looked at the situation and decided that to have integrity you will apologize, then that's what you need to do.

That being said...

she will try to turn it into a discussion.

I wonder if you can decline to participate in the "discussion". Wouldn't even need to explain "hey I'm not doing this", though that's an option. I'm assuming the "discussion" would be texts/emails? No need to reply. If phone -- "sorry, it's time for me to go". If in person... trickier, but do-able.

I'm getting a picture of you acting with integrity and then firmly moving on without engaging in the rehash.

Thoughts?

[ForeverDad]

It makes sense to act according to your values, whatever anyone else is doing.

About a year before my 15 year marriage imploded, I tired of trying to politely defend myself with JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  She ignored by logical reasons and lumped it all as excuses.  So I did what some here had done, I decided to apologize to it all.

Did it work?  No, then she started criticizing my apologies.  She insisted I reword them to please her.  Of course, I'm not perfect and she may me restate them again and again.  Eventually I would add what she wanted and purposely delete other portions.  Finally after a few months while her demands did not stop, I firmly told her I wasn't going to apologize unless I felt it was proper to apologize.  So I decided to set that new boundary.  The marriage was failing anyway and no number of apologies was going to save it.

I will add this warning... Do not apologize for anything which could have legal repercussions, for example, if something serious was recorded or there were witnesses.  You may be inclined to apologize to calm her down or whatever, but don't expose yourself legal consequences.  (A lawyer would tell you that legally you have a right to remain silent and not incriminate yourself.)

Perhaps you could find a way to phrase it in ways to cast something as "I'm sorry you feel..."  Court could find fault for many things you may say or do, but not for you hurting her feelings.  Get my drift?  (Live life for the foreseeable future as though your lawyer was sitting on one shoulder whispering in your ear while a court is looking over your other shoulder.)

[ForeverDad]

In my prior post I was not being dogmatic, each situation can be pondered and then a decision made as to what you want to do.  In summary, besides my own experience and the legal aspect, I was striving to encourage more than just "I have to", but also the risk/benefit ratio and how we word what we say so it might be less of a "big deal".

[EZEarache]

It makes sense to act according to your values, whatever anyone else is doing. If you've looked at the situation and decided that to have integrity you will apologize, then that's what you need to do.

That being said...

I wonder if you can decline to participate in the "discussion". Wouldn't even need to explain "hey I'm not doing this", though that's an option. I'm assuming the "discussion" would be texts/emails? No need to reply. If phone -- "sorry, it's time for me to go". If in person... trickier, but do-able.

I'm getting a picture of you acting with integrity and then firmly moving on without engaging in the rehash.

Thoughts?

I actually did apologize, and it didn't even get acknowledged. I was pretty relieved. She decided to just move on, fortunately.

[EZEarache]

I will add this warning... Do not apologize for anything which could have legal repercussions, for example, if something serious was recorded or there were witnesses.  You may be inclined to apologize to calm her down or whatever, but don't expose yourself legal consequences.  (A lawyer would tell you that legally you have a right to remain silent and not incriminate yourself.)

Perhaps you could find a way to phrase it in ways to cast something as "I'm sorry you feel..."  Court could find fault for many things you may say or do, but not for you hurting her feelings.  Get my drift?  (Live life for the foreseeable future as though your lawyer was sitting on one shoulder whispering in your ear while a court is looking over your other shoulder.)

This was actually another reason I didn't really want to apologize. I'm not sure there are any legal ramifications for this incident or not. After she got me completely riled up, she pulled out the phone, and I could tell she was going to start recording everything so I just shut up and left.