Words of commitment

[15years]

A spin-off from my most recent thread, but this is more urgent, I'll return to that other thread later.

When she is asking for words of commitment, what is the best way to respond when I'm thinking about my long term exit plan? Tonight she was very dysregulated and wanted to hear me say I'll always stay with her no matter what. I tried to walk the in between line and I was (am) in a tight spot for a while, but I told her I'll always love her, I figured that's at least a half truth. I moved a little from her side and took a seat in the same room, as I was quite sure she would beat me if I stayed in bed next to her. This triggered her fear of abandonment. It resulted in one of my favorite outcomes, that she told me she didn't want me near her.

It's soon time to go to bed and it might get violent, but what scares me most is if she goes into some extreme fragile victim mode and says she can't take care of s2 or herself tomorrow, which would leave me in a tight spot regarding work. That would probably happen if I give her the impression that I'm not sure about staying in the relationship.

I'd prefer if she continues stonewalling me, it's not her usual solution but it can happen on rare occasions

[15years]

She ignored me so I had enough sleep and got to work. Messaged me at work, I argued in a few texts and after that didn't say much and ultimately ignored her texts. When I got home I told her I'm hurt by all our fights and that I find it hard to say romantic things to her.
After that I proceeded by saying what she asked me to say. She accepted it and I hugged her a long time. The hug was real from me, the promise wasn't.

I'm quite satisfied with how I handled it, I avoided a big fight and upsetting her, didn't put too much energy into it but also told her some small part of the thruth and also showed genuine love for her with the hug.

But if someone has feedback I'm open to hear it.

[FirstSteps]

I wish I had an answer but I'm in a similar position.  We're only calm because at some point I pointed out that I never bring up divorce, that I've been committed and still am. 

I think right now I'm giving myself permission to not be 100% truthful.  She has taken so much and changes so often and might want a divorce tomorrow out of the blue.  Why can't I harbor my own inner debate without involving her?

So for me, it would be about giving yourself permission to own your thoughts while making your life work with someone who is mentally ill.  This doesn't feel sustainable at all for me - either I will have to commit or get out - but you're in a tough spot with the threat of violence. 

[15years]

Yes I have also learned to think it's fine to have thoughts that would upset her. But I hate to lie straight to her face and when she insist I precisely say that I will never leave her, it feels very bad to do it, but the alternative is worse. But one other thing is that it also feels bad personally to express love that I don't feel. And to consistently keep expressing it have to be impossible.

Now she wants to talk about what our love languages are, hers is words of affirmation, she needs to be told that she is loved and why. I'm not afraid to fail anymore, she always says what I have to start doing but I always fail in the long run even if I try very hard. So I've realised I don't have to try, the result is the same in her eyes.
She asked me what my love language might be. I gave her my opinion but she didn't agree, she told me it was another one

[FirstSteps]

 

The love language conversation - that's a trap of traps!  So many troubles.  Thing is - I agree that we have different ones and I agree that I don't focus on hers all the time.  But then I put it in the context of what she does for me ...

I agree on the lying and not being true to yourself.  I'm not forced to say the words "never" right now so I might be more comfortable on the edges.  That's rough.

[Kayteelouwho]

It's a really hard to keep it balanced it, it is a trap of sorts from my perspective I had the same thing but was in fear of the next fight or being dragged out or bed or a different room if I gave him a cuddle and said I do love you and we can talk some more tomorrow by that point the next thing would come up but he would remember it and then say I said I didn't love him by going over the same play in his head.

It's not lying either atleast you will most likely always in some way feel some love for her she's the mother of your children that's not a lie. if you see it that way or look at love as a friend as on your other post you still want you all to get along that's no lie of distrust of your feelings.

I can relate and feel the hurt confusing and see a better picture of your 2 steps forwards 1 step back.

Try to make your thoughts and feelings of each thing and make list of pros and cons, the more she may dysregulate she make even make threats of harming her self. Make plans for each situation you could be in, you know her best.

Her thoughts and feeling are important but so are yours too.

I can understand that predicament your in . Does she have any mental health team or others around her you could speak to?