23 years and counting...

[LoveMyCats]

And I need some help with it all. My now wife was diagnosed BPD around 4 years ago now which explains a lot but I am so tired and worn out by it all I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

I am 43 and due to her issues we have no human children just 4 furry ones that I love with all my heart. We live in a big 5 bed house with double garage, A new sports car in the drive way and plenty of money but she's not really happy.

It's gotten to the point where I am working 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year so she can do as she pleases. She states she can only manage 3 mornings of work a week within my business and the rest of the time she is out running, Literally obssessed with it to the point it seems all consuming to anyone that knows her, It must come above all else. This weekend I have to drive her 4 hours to a race, stay overnight and drive her back the next day then catch up with work.

I was planning on having our mortgage paid off in the next year or so but I really don't know what the point is anymore. She books holidays with first class flights, Has nearly ruined my business twice by running up debts behind the scenes and stealing money and all of the time coming up with the excuse that her mental health makes her do it.

I was in love with her but now I love her like a sister, We went years without a sexual relationship and it bothered me but now it's fine, I don't even want that in my life anymore, I just want to be quiet and peaceful with my boys.

Is anyone else living this ?

Thanks

[livednlearned]

Wildly different spending habits can be hard on any marriage.

What was going on in her life that led to her BPD dx? Did she change her behaviors?

I'm guessing that the fatigue you feel has to do with more than finances, altho that can certainly be a symptom of giving and rarely getting, a recipe for exhaustion if not full-blown depression.

What I find exhausting about pwBPD in my life, both past and current, is how tiring it is to feel responsible for their lack of boundaries or impulse control. Is that happening in your relationship?

Do you find you give in to her because it is so hard to do otherwise?

[LoveMyCats]

The finances are exhausting, I don't spend a lot and I don't need a lot to be happy, My life is about her needs and her things and I just want out as I realise it's never going to change.

Tonight had asked for some info on a set of rental computers for work several times as they need upgrading. I was working and couldn't finish a spreadsheet due to the operating systems now being out of date so I did get snappy about the rental info not being ready yet, This was met with the usual accusations of being an a--hole, Never having asked in the first place, Being wrong about my recall etc etc. I would usually fight back but I realised I am just not interested anymore and walked away, got in my car and went back to work.

I've never not cared before or felt like I don't care what she thinks of me or what I am doing, It's confusing but feels freeing if that makes sense.

[livednlearned]

I've never not cared before or felt like I don't care what she thinks of me or what I am doing, It's confusing but feels freeing if that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense.

How is she responding to this shift?

Are you doing anything to take care of yourself, something that is just for you?

[ForeverDad]

It sounds like you've enabled her extravagant spending habits.  (Not your fault, we all here acquiesced to similar things in our pasts.)  I suspect you've got joint credit card and banking accounts?  That's a problem with spouses who are willing to abuse the finances.

However, it's predictable that she insists the joint accounts or else rants and rages to get her way?

Of course, if you're married then to a certain extent you're obligated to satisfy her debts, regardless the type of accounts you have.  I suspect the financial issues are not the only reason to ponder a solution such as divorce?