Divorce, Solace & Unpredictability

[Depression = 72% of members]

I guess I'll start out with some background; my apologies for the long block of text.

I'm 27, still amidst a divorce and pretty much (besides for one day out of the week) have sole custody of my two year (and 8 month) old son.

I was prowling tinder. In my mind, I wasn't looking for anyone. I was pretty jaded and not seeking another relationship actively (but I think in the back of my mind and heart, I just wanted to find someone that "got" me; that understood me).

Anyhow, I met her. We talked/texted for a bit. I found out she just moved back to here from Hawaii after being in a 12 year relationship with her husband. She moved back home and lived two hours away but once we felt comfortable (I'd say a week), we met up. It wasn't for a hook-up or anything of the like, but we met with our kids (hers 9 and 6 at the time) and it went insanely well. The first thing I noticed was this beautiful little family come out of that car. I'll never forget that day because I knew there was something special about the three of them.

Fast forward a month, things are going wonderfully. In a huge sense, she's still grieving her relationship but I remained patient, I mean after all, I had just gone through that process a year prior but also understood that grieving takes time. It didn't make me feel insecure or offended. It just made me feel for her. Eventually, she tried to push me away after a month. She told me I was the right person but it wasn't the right time. I knew she had BPD (and had gone through a lot of therapy in Hawaii) but didn't understand it really (and I still am having a hard time understanding it). I just jumped to "What's wrong?". I'm a do-er. When there's a problem, I like to address it and try to solve it. I guess that's a flaw of mine because I can't fix everything. But I still remained patient.

Fast forward a couple months, things are going really well for us. Even though I offered, she kept coming up to my place every weekend after she'd get out of her nightshift job. I told her that she didn't have to do that and I could always come there. 2 hours can be taxing. Her kids would sleep during the ride but still...
She's still having a hard time with her ex at this point -- I mean, the guy lives in a different time-zone in Hawaii. He's not calling to check up on the kids or really making an effort; perhaps he was dealing with some demons of his own. At this point, I was moved back out on my own from my parents and living at my own place. She came up for Christmas. We spent it together. The kids all got a long (with the exception of my son at times -- he's two and my god, can it be terrible sometimes). Then roughly10 days later, her switch flips. She starts kind of pushing away from me; basically tells me she's going to try to get a house down in her home town and that she needs to work on herself. I'm not going to lie -- to go from spending xmas together to that really hurt. So, we didn't spend New Year's together. She spent time with her kiddos (rightfully so; kids come first). I ended up having covid that week anyhow. Time passes on, and she gets covid and comes back up since I already had it. Then, the week after, we get snowed in. There was no conflict and nothing but love at this point. Things were going really well.

Fast forward a month later, she wants to move in. So...I let her. She explained that she doesn't get to see her kids that often with her third shift job and that she basically has no quality of life with them. Her parents are (great parents/grandparents) but the kids can't exactly live how they were accustomed to in Hawaii -- things are more sterile and strict.
So, we move in. It was beautiful. It made my heart happy. It made my son happy. The kids all got a long. My son sometimes acted out with hitting and (at one point biting). This got nipped in the bud but he still had his two year old tendencies of being a snot. We treated our kids equally but not over the top if that makes any sense.
Then, fast forward another month, she still hasn't landed a job. She's utterly depressed and she's grieving even harder now. I was patient but also insanely confused. I knew that it had to be such a culture shock to witness your life change -- I've had to do it myself; the only difference is my ex wife pulled a lot of garbage crap and my feelings for her died. Her memories of her ex and their family at this point was really hitting her. As a result, things started feeling cold, distant and our intimacy died down. I don't expect intimacy every single day but at the same time, when you become accustomed to that and all of a sudden it goes away, it hurts. You take it out on yourself. Did I do something? Am I not attractive to her anymore? I'd ask her what was wrong and try to listen to get her to open up. This ended up not really going anywhere. The agony of her spirit inside herself carried on for weeks -- with some good days in between.

One month later, she nails a job. Her kids are doing excellent in the school up here. Things are starting to be all sunshine and rainbows again.  Then she started having a bit of issues at her job. They weren't training her. She was basically left to her own devices and then eventually got fired because she wasn't a good fit. I keep being supportive telling her how far she's come and something will pan out and that I've got her back; to not feel guilty about anything -- we will work through this and it's okay to feel. She eventually gets better (leading into this current month). A few weeks ago she's telling me she really feels like she's healing and how much she loves me; how wonderful I am to her kids; how she wants to marry me; how everything she went through was worth. Mind you, the intimacy was progressing throughout the last month into this month and kind of came back around. She eventually nails another job (dream job) earlier this current month and her spirits are picking up. Things are going excellent.

Now we're here. I've been sensing an "off-ness" about her and could tell there was something going on in her brain. As of last Friday, her ex came into town, picked up the kids and took them down to his parents to spend a week with them. I knew this was going to be hard on her after having them solidly for 8 or so months -- all alone. But during the week last week, I noticed she was kind of shutting down a bit. Not paying much attention -- just more or less distracting herself on her phone -- even at her job which she's okay to do per them (I can see fb activity when I'm messaging my buds on fb). I noticed her texts died down in my work day. She just seemed to be pulling away. I tried to talk to her and I may have mentioned that by the way she was texting, I could tell something was off. Whelp, this got me the clingy boyfriend treatment. I wasn't texting her erratically but when I care about someone, I'm gonna try to figure out what's wrong and always be an open ear.  She told me she was doing good and that she was healing. She made me feel it was all in my head (which hey, maybe it was). She said she was going to be focusing more on herself this week for her and the kids and that she needed to in order to progress. This past Saturday, we had no kids and went out on a date. It was lovely. It felt really nice to just talk and enjoy each other's company. However, we weren't intimate that night...which she has a tendency of amping up how we will be intimate and then something always falls through. I'd be a liar if I said sometimes it didn't hurt or feel like a disappointment. It's not the only thing I focus on but it's a form of showing my love.

Then last night happened. I could sense she was off. She had to get her covid shot (hates needles) and was on edge that morning. She was snippy and then later apologized and told me she was just scared of her shot. She left to go thrift shopping and then get her shot; I went to go get my son from his sleepover at my parents. She didn't text much and kind of left me be. I checked in after a couple hours. She made small talk but I eventually just kind of felt like she was blowing me off. She comes home. She's in a "good mood" according to her. Then I may have asked her if she was okay and she kinda snapped. She was making food and said let's talk after dinner. She made dinner. She gave my son her food and she said something to him (I can't remember what) and he yelled "NO!" to her. This made her snap and she scolded him. I understood -- he shouldn't treat anyone that way but then there's the other part of me that's like "he's two; he's learning". Anyhow, this leads to her telling me I need to get his health ins worked out so he can get help (ex wife dropped him off the ins). I understood. She had mentioned this a week ago and I agreed and have been working since February on it. I can't put him on mine because I don't have "legal" custody just yet and unfortunately have to go through the state which has been a P.I.T.A..  Jude acted up again by yelling at her and being belligerent (he sincerely loves her and isn't always like that). I put him in timeout because it wasn't acceptable. The ambiance was off. She went to bed due to the covid shot. I took my son out and played. Got home, put him to bed, cleaned, talked to my ex wife (who started yelling at me and I told her I'm going to hangup then promptly hungup). pwBPD walks out mid convo and doesn't seem to have a problem. My ex mentioned how I had my gf around and how she doesn't even know her etc...this will be important later.
Anyhow, my son wakes up, I get him back down to bed. He gets up again, I take him to my bedroom and have him lay on an air mattress. I lay down and wait for him to drift so I can leave and go spend time with my gf.
She comes in and says "Really? Guess, I'll just use the blankets on the couch. He already has 100 blankets anywas" and then promptly leaves. Distraught by her attitude I walk out and address the situation. I asked her what's wrong and she basically grilled me on how her kids weren't at the house and I had no excuse to have him sleep in the bedroom (I've been trying to get him to sleep without me; it's been a process after all the change he's been through. His mom had custody of him; I didn't see him for 150 days unwillingly then I saw him for temp visitation; then his mom screwed up hard and I've had custody of him since July. The boy has seen a lot in such a short life). This ended up not getting good because I told her that I felt he was having a hard time sleeping and that I was just trying to get him down to bed so I could spend time with her. I also told her I felt like I didn't deserve to get talked to that way. She then raised her voice loudly and I told her that I am not engaging. This led to her getting mad and telling me that it was her way of showing she wasn't yelling or talking to me in a crappy tone.
This somehow led up to her saying that she was going to pack up and leave and I said that's fine. I told her we deserved better than that. I think she was hurt when I said that. I told her I was referring to the argument. Eventually, it shut down. Then, I came back, sat next to her and just calmly talked to her. She did most of the talking. She confirmed things had been off between us the past week (which my intuition already told me. I just needed her to confirm it instead of not expressing it when I asked). She told me that if my son doesn't get better, she'll leave and that everyday he treats everyone (her and her kids) like garbage. She said she feels like she lives in my sons world and that they are just there. She told me I need to get him help and stop making excuses considering that he's been through so much. She told me she'd always help support me but somethings gotta change and that her and her kids don't deserve this. I sat there calmly and listened. Told her I understood. She said something needed to happen and it needed to happen soon. She also told me that she hasn't been prioritizing sex or me and that focusing on herself was her way of being considerate to her kids and I. She said she needed to in order to succeed. She let me know she'd always choose her kids over my son and I (and I totally understand that part).

Now, I don't think she's without merit. My son does need some help. He needs his health ins worked out. I actually scheduled an appt to see if he needs behavioral therapy (going tomorrow). He is a good kid and I know every parent says that biasedly. I will always choose him. But when someone comes from a place of concern, I understand. He can act like quite the brat sometimes. He yells, he hits at times, he takes toys from others -- but he's also still learning. She told me I'm not consistent enough and that I need to be harder on him or he will become a bully when he grows up and that this is just the tip of the iceberg. She wasn't saying this with malice but it sounded humble and sincere. She also told me that she when she walked in when I was on the phone with my ex that I shouldn't have even engaged with her on the phone and let the courts handle it...she said that my ex wife has no right to even talk about her. I just kept calm and listened. She told me that we've had this same discussion several times and at least when she argued with her ex, it wasn't about the same thing over and over. 

Needless to say, we went to bed. She laid down next to me, messed with her phone a bit and then went to sleep. I woke up, I think we snuggled a little. I kissed her before work and heard those soft little moans of her smiling. Her arm was sore and so I let the dogs out and she helped get my son dressed as a trade which was really sweet. She told me she hoped I had a wonderful day today.

I texted her at 11:30 just to see how she was feeling from the covid shot --- it's 3:50 PM now. Haven't heard back from her. She's been on social media. Today, her kids came up back into town with their Dad because they want to do something with both of their parents. Kudos to them. I wish I had that (but don't feel jealousy; my ex is a mess). It's my b-day this week and I'm not expecting any type of celebrating (not that I care for it really -- it's just a day). I really don't know how to feel. I feel productive as I took care of some things today but in terms of this relationship and her in general, I don't really know if I understand her. She may say she's almost fully healed, but actions say otherwise.

And mind you, I love her. I love her kids. They are such a joy to be around and they look up to me. I treat them the same as I would my son (within boundaries however). I'm just confused. This person I see now is completely different from the one I met. She is one of the sweetest, loving people I have ever met -- she'd give you the shirt off of her back...however, she's also one of the most selfish people I have ever met and we'll disregard you, your feelings, etc. Then treats me like I'm the problem when I'm just trying to figure out what the hell happened and if she's okay.

I just don't understand. Can anyone help? Maybe I just need to realize that she's not always understanding due to the BPD. It's such a fine line to walk sometimes. I want this to work -- I really do. Maybe I'm setting my expectations too high or maybe I grew accustomed as any human would to how I was treated for a while -- with love, consideration and care.

Any thoughts or advice would mean a lot. Thank you for reading my garble. My apologies in advance.

Thank you,

--

[AGuyAndAThought]

I guess I'll start out with some background; my apologies for the long block of text.

I'm 27, still amidst a divorce and pretty much (besides for one day out of the week) have sole custody of my two year (and 8 month) old son.

I was prowling tinder. In my mind, I wasn't looking for anyone. I was pretty jaded and not seeking another relationship actively (but I think in the back of my mind and heart, I just wanted to find someone that "got" me; that understood me).

Anyhow, I met her. We talked/texted for a bit. I found out she just moved back to here from Hawaii after being in a 12 year relationship with her husband. She moved back home and lived two hours away but once we felt comfortable (I'd say a week), we met up. It wasn't for a hook-up or anything of the like, but we met with our kids (hers 9 and 6 at the time) and it went insanely well. The first thing I noticed was this beautiful little family come out of that car. I'll never forget that day because I knew there was something special about the three of them.

Fast forward a month, things are going wonderfully. In a huge sense, she's still grieving her relationship but I remained patient, I mean after all, I had just gone through that process a year prior but also understood that grieving takes time. It didn't make me feel insecure or offended. It just made me feel for her. Eventually, she tried to push me away after a month. She told me I was the right person but it wasn't the right time. I knew she had BPD (and had gone through a lot of therapy in Hawaii) but didn't understand it really (and I still am having a hard time understanding it). I just jumped to "What's wrong?". I'm a do-er. When there's a problem, I like to address it and try to solve it. I guess that's a flaw of mine because I can't fix everything. But I still remained patient.

Fast forward a couple months, things are going really well for us. Even though I offered, she kept coming up to my place every weekend after she'd get out of her nightshift job. I told her that she didn't have to do that and I could always come there. 2 hours can be taxing. Her kids would sleep during the ride but still...
She's still having a hard time with her ex at this point -- I mean, the guy lives in a different time-zone in Hawaii. He's not calling to check up on the kids or really making an effort; perhaps he was dealing with some demons of his own. At this point, I was moved back out on my own from my parents and living at my own place. She came up for Christmas. We spent it together. The kids all got a long (with the exception of my son at times -- he's two and my god, can it be terrible sometimes). Then roughly10 days later, her switch flips. She starts kind of pushing away from me; basically tells me she's going to try to get a house down in her home town and that she needs to work on herself. I'm not going to lie -- to go from spending xmas together to that really hurt. So, we didn't spend New Year's together. She spent time with her kiddos (rightfully so; kids come first). I ended up having covid that week anyhow. Time passes on, and she gets covid and comes back up since I already had it. Then, the week after, we get snowed in. There was no conflict and nothing but love at this point. Things were going really well.

Fast forward a month later, she wants to move in. So...I let her. She explained that she doesn't get to see her kids that often with her third shift job and that she basically has no quality of life with them. Her parents are (great parents/grandparents) but the kids can't exactly live how they were accustomed to in Hawaii -- things are more sterile and strict.
So, we move in. It was beautiful. It made my heart happy. It made my son happy. The kids all got a long. My son sometimes acted out with hitting and (at one point biting). This got nipped in the bud but he still had his two year old tendencies of being a snot. We treated our kids equally but not over the top if that makes any sense.
Then, fast forward another month, she still hasn't landed a job. She's utterly depressed and she's grieving even harder now. I was patient but also insanely confused. I knew that it had to be such a culture shock to witness your life change -- I've had to do it myself; the only difference is my ex wife pulled a lot of garbage crap and my feelings for her died. Her memories of her ex and their family at this point was really hitting her. As a result, things started feeling cold, distant and our intimacy died down. I don't expect intimacy every single day but at the same time, when you become accustomed to that and all of a sudden it goes away, it hurts. You take it out on yourself. Did I do something? Am I not attractive to her anymore? I'd ask her what was wrong and try to listen to get her to open up. This ended up not really going anywhere. The agony of her spirit inside herself carried on for weeks -- with some good days in between.

One month later, she nails a job. Her kids are doing excellent in the school up here. Things are starting to be all sunshine and rainbows again.  Then she started having a bit of issues at her job. They weren't training her. She was basically left to her own devices and then eventually got fired because she wasn't a good fit. I keep being supportive telling her how far she's come and something will pan out and that I've got her back; to not feel guilty about anything -- we will work through this and it's okay to feel. She eventually gets better (leading into this current month). A few weeks ago she's telling me she really feels like she's healing and how much she loves me; how wonderful I am to her kids; how she wants to marry me; how everything she went through was worth. Mind you, the intimacy was progressing throughout the last month into this month and kind of came back around. She eventually nails another job (dream job) earlier this current month and her spirits are picking up. Things are going excellent.

Now we're here. I've been sensing an "off-ness" about her and could tell there was something going on in her brain. As of last Friday, her ex came into town, picked up the kids and took them down to his parents to spend a week with them. I knew this was going to be hard on her after having them solidly for 8 or so months -- all alone. But during the week last week, I noticed she was kind of shutting down a bit. Not paying much attention -- just more or less distracting herself on her phone -- even at her job which she's okay to do per them (I can see fb activity when I'm messaging my buds on fb). I noticed her texts died down in my work day. She just seemed to be pulling away. I tried to talk to her and I may have mentioned that by the way she was texting, I could tell something was off. Whelp, this got me the clingy boyfriend treatment. I wasn't texting her erratically but when I care about someone, I'm gonna try to figure out what's wrong and always be an open ear.  She told me she was doing good and that she was healing. She made me feel it was all in my head (which hey, maybe it was). She said she was going to be focusing more on herself this week for her and the kids and that she needed to in order to progress. This past Saturday, we had no kids and went out on a date. It was lovely. It felt really nice to just talk and enjoy each other's company. However, we weren't intimate that night...which she has a tendency of amping up how we will be intimate and then something always falls through. I'd be a liar if I said sometimes it didn't hurt or feel like a disappointment. It's not the only thing I focus on but it's a form of showing my love.

Then last night happened. I could sense she was off. She had to get her covid shot (hates needles) and was on edge that morning. She was snippy and then later apologized and told me she was just scared of her shot. She left to go thrift shopping and then get her shot; I went to go get my son from his sleepover at my parents. She didn't text much and kind of left me be. I checked in after a couple hours. She made small talk but I eventually just kind of felt like she was blowing me off. She comes home. She's in a "good mood" according to her. Then I may have asked her if she was okay and she kinda snapped. She was making food and said let's talk after dinner. She made dinner. She gave my son her food and she said something to him (I can't remember what) and he yelled "NO!" to her. This made her snap and she scolded him. I understood -- he shouldn't treat anyone that way but then there's the other part of me that's like "he's two; he's learning". Anyhow, this leads to her telling me I need to get his health ins worked out so he can get help (ex wife dropped him off the ins). I understood. She had mentioned this a week ago and I agreed and have been working since February on it. I can't put him on mine because I don't have "legal" custody just yet and unfortunately have to go through the state which has been a P.I.T.A..  Jude acted up again by yelling at her and being belligerent (he sincerely loves her and isn't always like that). I put him in timeout because it wasn't acceptable. The ambiance was off. She went to bed due to the covid shot. I took my son out and played. Got home, put him to bed, cleaned, talked to my ex wife (who started yelling at me and I told her I'm going to hangup then promptly hungup). pwBPD walks out mid convo and doesn't seem to have a problem. My ex mentioned how I had my gf around and how she doesn't even know her etc...this will be important later.
Anyhow, my son wakes up, I get him back down to bed. He gets up again, I take him to my bedroom and have him lay on an air mattress. I lay down and wait for him to drift so I can leave and go spend time with my gf.
She comes in and says "Really? Guess, I'll just use the blankets on the couch. He already has 100 blankets anywas" and then promptly leaves. Distraught by her attitude I walk out and address the situation. I asked her what's wrong and she basically grilled me on how her kids weren't at the house and I had no excuse to have him sleep in the bedroom (I've been trying to get him to sleep without me; it's been a process after all the change he's been through. His mom had custody of him; I didn't see him for 150 days unwillingly then I saw him for temp visitation; then his mom screwed up hard and I've had custody of him since July. The boy has seen a lot in such a short life). This ended up not getting good because I told her that I felt he was having a hard time sleeping and that I was just trying to get him down to bed so I could spend time with her. I also told her I felt like I didn't deserve to get talked to that way. She then raised her voice loudly and I told her that I am not engaging. This led to her getting mad and telling me that it was her way of showing she wasn't yelling or talking to me in a crappy tone.
This somehow led up to her saying that she was going to pack up and leave and I said that's fine. I told her we deserved better than that. I think she was hurt when I said that. I told her I was referring to the argument. Eventually, it shut down. Then, I came back, sat next to her and just calmly talked to her. She did most of the talking. She confirmed things had been off between us the past week (which my intuition already told me. I just needed her to confirm it instead of not expressing it when I asked). She told me that if my son doesn't get better, she'll leave and that everyday he treats everyone (her and her kids) like garbage. She said she feels like she lives in my sons world and that they are just there. She told me I need to get him help and stop making excuses considering that he's been through so much. She told me she'd always help support me but somethings gotta change and that her and her kids don't deserve this. I sat there calmly and listened. Told her I understood. She said something needed to happen and it needed to happen soon. She also told me that she hasn't been prioritizing sex or me and that focusing on herself was her way of being considerate to her kids and I. She said she needed to in order to succeed. She let me know she'd always choose her kids over my son and I (and I totally understand that part).

Now, I don't think she's without merit. My son does need some help. He needs his health ins worked out. I actually scheduled an appt to see if he needs behavioral therapy (going tomorrow). He is a good kid and I know every parent says that biasedly. I will always choose him. But when someone comes from a place of concern, I understand. He can act like quite the brat sometimes. He yells, he hits at times, he takes toys from others -- but he's also still learning. She told me I'm not consistent enough and that I need to be harder on him or he will become a bully when he grows up and that this is just the tip of the iceberg. She wasn't saying this with malice but it sounded humble and sincere. She also told me that she when she walked in when I was on the phone with my ex that I shouldn't have even engaged with her on the phone and let the courts handle it...she said that my ex wife has no right to even talk about her. I just kept calm and listened. She told me that we've had this same discussion several times and at least when she argued with her ex, it wasn't about the same thing over and over. 

Needless to say, we went to bed. She laid down next to me, messed with her phone a bit and then went to sleep. I woke up, I think we snuggled a little. I kissed her before work and heard those soft little moans of her smiling. Her arm was sore and so I let the dogs out and she helped get my son dressed as a trade which was really sweet. She told me she hoped I had a wonderful day today.

I texted her at 11:30 just to see how she was feeling from the covid shot --- it's 3:50 PM now. Haven't heard back from her. She's been on social media. Today, her kids came up back into town with their Dad because they want to do something with both of their parents. Kudos to them. I wish I had that (but don't feel jealousy; my ex is a mess). It's my b-day this week and I'm not expecting any type of celebrating (not that I care for it really -- it's just a day). I really don't know how to feel. I feel productive as I took care of some things today but in terms of this relationship and her in general, I don't really know if I understand her. She may say she's almost fully healed, but actions say otherwise.

And mind you, I love her. I love her kids. They are such a joy to be around and they look up to me. I treat them the same as I would my son (within boundaries however). I'm just confused. This person I see now is completely different from the one I met. She is one of the sweetest, loving people I have ever met -- she'd give you the shirt off of her back...however, she's also one of the most selfish people I have ever met and we'll disregard you, your feelings, etc. Then treats me like I'm the problem when I'm just trying to figure out what the hell happened and if she's okay.

I just don't understand. Can anyone help? Maybe I just need to realize that she's not always understanding due to the BPD. It's such a fine line to walk sometimes. I want this to work -- I really do. Maybe I'm setting my expectations too high or maybe I grew accustomed as any human would to how I was treated for a while -- with love, consideration and care.

Any thoughts or advice would mean a lot. Thank you for reading my garble. My apologies in advance.

Thank you,

--

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BlueNavigator]

I can definitely relate to the roller coaster experience, I have a spouse of 8 years wBPD and have been experiencing that constantly. I eventually had to realize that, due to her instability, I just cannot rely on my partner for that type of emotional support right now. Maybe that will change in the future with therapy, but people with BPD are so consumed by their own fantasies, concerns, and emotions that they find it hard to even see things from your point of view, let alone be a rock of support to someone in a hard time.

Do you feel like when times are tough, in your deepest challenge, that your partner is able to help carry you through the storm? Or is that when you have a bad day you often end up talking about how things are bad for her?

Best wishes.