Birthday Drama

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Of course pwBPD can't let a birthday go by without some disregulation. In this case it was my birthday.

We are currently about 4 weeks into a step-up custody agreement.  Still trying to get into a routine. We've been doing one hour of Sunday morning visitation.  This Sunday, she had a nice birthday present for me.  A picture frame with some pictures of the baby and us together.  Certainly manipulative... trying to show that we all belong together... that I'm breaking up the family.  Everyone here understands the manipulation.  But it was fine.  She asked if we could do an early dinner on my birthday (which was Monday, the next day).  I agreed to a short, early dinner at a casual restaurant.  This was clearly a mistake because it was a weakening of boundaries, which she quickly bulldozed.

On Monday, she called crying around 5pm.  Birthday dinner with me and the baby was supposed to be at 5:15.  She was having a problem with her dog barking while she was away, and trying to buy pet supplies.  Frustrated with the dog, emotional, clearly getting worked up - before I'd even left to meet her for dinner.  And she clearly wasn't going to make it on time.  I then noticed she hadn't done her breathalyzer test, which is a requirement of her visiting with the baby.  She sounded a little intoxicated, but I don't know because she didn't do the test.  I calmly explained I was tired and we could reschedule for later in the week - or just see her on the regular Sunday visit.  This was all true.  I WAS tired, and she was going to be late for dinner, and I could hear her already having tears and drama.  I was not looking forward to this dinner.  She launched into a tirade about how I PROMISED we could have dinner (without acknowledging that she was already late for the *promised* meal).  Then she quickly moved to accusations of "look what you're doing to me - this isn't fair - I deserve to see my baby".  All the usual ranting.

Soon thereafter, she was knocking on my door.  This is the first time she's come to my new house, as we only separated about 2 months ago.  I didn't answer the door and called police.  She rang the doorbell and knocked for 10 or 15 minutes.  She drove away.  Police arrived.  Took a report.  She has a current family violence case pending from when she hit me.  They looked it up and saw that it's a bond violation for her to be there.  No violent threats or anything - it's a minor offense - but certainly doesn't help her case.  When the police left, I noticed she left a "birthday present" outside my door.  It was a novelty ball cap - like something you would pick up at a gas station.  She had already given me a thoughtful present the day before, and this was clearly just something she picked up as an excuse to come to my house.  Just obliterating boundaries.  So that was my birthday. An otherwise fine day capped off by a call to the police.  I remember a time when I had never in my life called police, and I would have been shocked to hear that future-me was getting used to it.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Of course pwBPD can't let a birthday go by without some disregulation. In this case it was my birthday.

We are currently about 4 weeks into a step-up custody agreement.  Still trying to get into a routine. We've been doing one hour of Sunday morning visitation.  This Sunday, she had a nice birthday present for me.  A picture frame with some pictures of the baby and us together.  Certainly manipulative... trying to show that we all belong together... that I'm breaking up the family.  Everyone here understands the manipulation.  But it was fine.  She asked if we could do an early dinner on my birthday (which was Monday, the next day).  I agreed to a short, early dinner at a casual restaurant.  This was clearly a mistake because it was a weakening of boundaries, which she quickly bulldozed.

On Monday, she called crying around 5pm.  Birthday dinner with me and the baby was supposed to be at 5:15.  She was having a problem with her dog barking while she was away, and trying to buy pet supplies.  Frustrated with the dog, emotional, clearly getting worked up - before I'd even left to meet her for dinner.  And she clearly wasn't going to make it on time.  I then noticed she hadn't done her breathalyzer test, which is a requirement of her visiting with the baby.  She sounded a little intoxicated, but I don't know because she didn't do the test.  I calmly explained I was tired and we could reschedule for later in the week - or just see her on the regular Sunday visit.  This was all true.  I WAS tired, and she was going to be late for dinner, and I could hear her already having tears and drama.  I was not looking forward to this dinner.  She launched into a tirade about how I PROMISED we could have dinner (without acknowledging that she was already late for the *promised* meal).  Then she quickly moved to accusations of "look what you're doing to me - this isn't fair - I deserve to see my baby".  All the usual ranting.

Soon thereafter, she was knocking on my door.  This is the first time she's come to my new house, as we only separated about 2 months ago.  I didn't answer the door and called police.  She rang the doorbell and knocked for 10 or 15 minutes.  She drove away.  Police arrived.  Took a report.  She has a current family violence case pending from when she hit me.  They looked it up and saw that it's a bond violation for her to be there.  No violent threats or anything - it's a minor offense - but certainly doesn't help her case.  When the police left, I noticed she left a "birthday present" outside my door.  It was a novelty ball cap - like something you would pick up at a gas station.  She had already given me a thoughtful present the day before, and this was clearly just something she picked up as an excuse to come to my house.  Just obliterating boundaries.  So that was my birthday. An otherwise fine day capped off by a call to the police.  I remember a time when I had never in my life called police, and I would have been shocked to hear that future-me was getting used to it.

[15years]

You're doing good, sounds like she is trying to make it seem like this is just a phase. You have to stay strong and not follow every emotions you have, you have to mix it with logic too. Sounds like that is what you are doing right now. I can see how agreeing to go to the dinner turned into a tricky situation.

Your case is an inspiration to me, and also a reality check of what's to come if I choose the same path as you.

Take care.

[PeteWitsend]

Sounds like you handled it well, @ThanksForPlaying.  Nice work staying firm on your boundaries when she crossed them.  Hopefully she stops trying.

I always kinda wondered in situations like this if they honestly planned the chaos ahead of time, to create the drama, or they're just so disorganized they really cause a mess and then scramble to try to find a solution, making it "your problem" to fix in the process.  I suppose it doesn't matter... but I was always trying to understand it.

[EZEarache]

Birthdays and holidays tend to be pretty problematic.

It will be our baby's 2nd birthday next month. I am soo not looking forward to the drama that will certainly unfold.

I think you handled things pretty well, but entanglements with local officials, even when you aren't the one on the wrong side of the law always suck.

How old is your baby?

[ForeverDad]

So you're prepared in advance when you seek legal solutions... Most, but probably not all courts, limit their orders to include only the children's birthdays.  Parents' birthdays may be a free for all.  It's part of parenting schedules that define the priority order for exceptions to the weekly or biweekly schedule.

(1) Holidays (including children's birthdays) - the list is long, be sure to strike out any you or your ex don't observe.
(2) Vacations (usually 2-3 weeks max per calendar year, with specified advance notice. Vacation notices, not requests.
(3) Regular schedule.

The holidays list alternates years.  Well, except dads always get Fathers Day and moms always get Mothers Day.  Whichever you don't get one year, you get the next year.  Some parents decide to have the holiday events they don't get on other dates during their parenting days.  (This avoids one parent feeling forced or coerced to go to the other parent's home, if allowed.)  Kids don't mind, that means they often get double fun, two events, one in each home.

[Turkish]

She asked if we could do an early dinner on my birthday

If there's a bond violation, how does it work if you agree to see her away from the home?

[ForeverDad]

It is one thing if she violates her bond or court restrictions.  That's totally on your ex.

It's a whole other thing if you let her violate whatever restrictions by agreeing to it.  Why?  Then she can got to court and say, "He's been letting my violate the bond restrictions or order."  Court would see that as you not needing the orders and that would be sabotaging yourself.

Yes, you may be torn about how to handle things for your child but the reality is you must follow whatever restrictions are in place (whether for you or for your ex) or you likely will sabotage yourself.