Feeling crushing guilt about leaving

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been separated from my uBPD wife for 6 months.  We were married for 19 years and have 4 teenage children.  I always just thought she was difficult, demanding, needy, and coping with childhood trauma.  Then 6 months ago the verbal abuse escalated and was directed not only at me but also at my daughters.  That changed the game for me.  We sought family therapy and I was told my wife has BPD tendencies.  I read some BPD books, fell out of my chair realizing that this diagnosis fits her like a glove.  and now I'm here.

Every day I wake up and feel guilty about leaving.  Then as the day progresses I have an interaction with her and the guilt turns into resolution.  I have finally asked her for a divorce.  Actually, I have had to ask several times as she keeps telling me I'm mixed up, that by being on anti-depressants I'm not thinking clearly, that I'm throwing away everything we have built up as a family.  She accused me of having BPD today in our therapy session.  Anyway, I have become more resolute in my decision, but I still feel guilty.  My kids are in pain over it, but at the same time they understand as they have seen her at her worst.  My wife is devastated.  And so am I.  But, the best way forward, at least for me and the kids is a divorce.  I just can't seem to shake the guilt.

[On_the_Fence]

I have been separated from my uBPD wife for 6 months.  We were married for 19 years and have 4 teenage children.  I always just thought she was difficult, demanding, needy, and coping with childhood trauma.  Then 6 months ago the verbal abuse escalated and was directed not only at me but also at my daughters.  That changed the game for me.  We sought family therapy and I was told my wife has BPD tendencies.  I read some BPD books, fell out of my chair realizing that this diagnosis fits her like a glove.  and now I'm here.

Every day I wake up and feel guilty about leaving.  Then as the day progresses I have an interaction with her and the guilt turns into resolution.  I have finally asked her for a divorce.  Actually, I have had to ask several times as she keeps telling me I'm mixed up, that by being on anti-depressants I'm not thinking clearly, that I'm throwing away everything we have built up as a family.  She accused me of having BPD today in our therapy session.  Anyway, I have become more resolute in my decision, but I still feel guilty.  My kids are in pain over it, but at the same time they understand as they have seen her at her worst.  My wife is devastated.  And so am I.  But, the best way forward, at least for me and the kids is a divorce.  I just can't seem to shake the guilt.

[BigOof]

Actually, I have had to ask several times as she keeps telling me I'm mixed up, that by being on anti-depressants I'm not thinking clearly, that I'm throwing away everything we have built up as a family.  She accused me of having BPD today in our therapy session.

That's gaslighting.

I just can't seem to shake the guilt.

This guilt is a result of you being manipulated.

Try reading or listening to:

- https://www.amazon.com/Narcissists-Playbook-Sociopaths-Psychopaths-Manipulative-ebook/dp/B07NS9YVD8
- https://www.amazon.com/Out-Fog-Confusion-Clarity-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B077SFQWZ2

Her next moves are likely to be lying about you the authorities and alienating the children from you.

[Rev]

Good day Fence

The guilt you feel is a normal part of grief. And yes, I agree that your sense of guilt is fueled by the manipulation. From what I read here you've made a good decision.

Give your body time to catch up to your mind.

If you think counselling would help - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is a great option for this.

Hang in there.

Rev

[GaGrl]

My husband's first marriage was to a woman with uBPD/NPD. By the time they had been married 19-20 years, all three of their teenage children were asking him why he didn't divorce her. They do understand.

[On_the_Fence]

My husband's first marriage was to a woman with uBPD/NPD. By the time they had been married 19-20 years, all three of their teenage children were asking him why he didn't divorce her. They do understand.

This is my case as well.  We have 4 teenagers and three of them have proactively told me they would understand if I leave.  My lawyer told me I shouldn't have custody issues as they are all old enough and have all seen enough of her behavior to understand.  Part of my leaving is so that my kids at least have one place they can go to that is stable and where they can feel safe and not be verbally abused.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi On_the_Fence,

Welcome to our family. Thank you for sharing some of your story.

The place you are at the moment is really tough. As kids get older, they naturally seek to gain independence which is normal and healthy. This tends to be threatening to someone with BPD so that may be part of the reason for things getting worse.

My mom was an uBPD, and I experienced the difficulty mentioned above first hand. I know that moving towards ending a marriage can cause tremendous FOG (feelings of guilt). In spite of those feelings, it can be helpful to focus on the long term place where you are headed, and what you wish to do for supporting your children. Being honest in helping them understand that the things uBPDm may say to them is not their fault. Children of a pwBPD need to know that they're not crazy, that the feelings they experience are normal. Are your girls in any T?

Here is a link that may provide some insight:
Child Development and Parents with Mental Illness

In addition to helping your children, you're also working on you. Your plate is full, but the skills you need and use will be invaluable in helping both you and your kids.

 
Wools

[ForeverDad]

Part of my leaving is so that my kids at least have one place they can go to that is stable and where they can feel safe and not be verbally abused.

Exactly!

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.