CheckM2002
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 2
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« on: May 30, 2022, 05:17:33 PM » |
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Hi, this is my first post. My 19-year-old daughter has had bpd symptoms since she was a pre-teen, and she's also been diagnosed with ADHD, PTSD, depression, and anxiety. She's been on many different medications, she's had counseling on and off, and has been hospitalized multiple times. She has refused to go back to therapy or try medications again, other than doing 6 sessions of ketamine treatment for drug resistant depression recently, which didn't work.
She's had more trauma in her life than most kids her age. Her Dad was alcoholic, had bipolar and bpd symptoms, and was always drunk, angry, or distant. He said things to both of us that were emotionally abusive. About 6 years ago, her Dad died after an accident, and after swooping in to shower her with gifts and attention after the death, her Dad's family have not included us in anything. Most of the family members from my side of the family have also died in the last few years. Also recently my daughter survived a sexual assault.
She has threatened to kill herself since she was about 7. Most of the time, she said it so often and it seemed to be her way of expressing frustration. As she got older and the bpd and depression got worse, if she was raging and attacking me physically, or trying to get her hands on pills or a knife, I've had to call 911 for help. Last year she did overdose on Tylenol, and now that she's had a suicide attempt, the risk of another attempt is higher. She still threatens to kill herself almost daily, and I find myself spending a lot of time talking to her to see if she just needed support and to vent, or if there is a risk, and then deciding how to manage it. I am not that quick at calling 911 because I am not seeing a lot of evidence that the hospitalizations have worked to help her...so if I do call it's because the situation is beyond what I can manage or she's asking to go.
I know that she's suffering more than I am and that her reactions to things are part of her illnesses. I feel helpless in changing things, but I also know that I don't have much more left in me to keep doing this. I've read a lot about BPD, I'm on a waiting list to take the Family Connections classes, and I've been in therapy for a few years. Most of the time I feel very alone in dealing with this.
My daughter does not want me to tell anyone about her issues, and that is not possible, I feel like I have a human right to seek out support. So, if I share with anyone what is happening, I have to hope she doesn't find out...yep...walking on egg shells. Also, I have fibromyalgia, and have been getting worse bouts of it after her explosions. She blames me for her bad childhood, for not being a better mom, for having everything I want while she has a bad life and just suffers. When she threatens to kill herself, she asks me, "why won't you just let me die?"
She is currently living at home, and had quit her job and college class after her mental health symptoms worsened and she had some dental problems to address. She's also recently decided to let her phone die to avoid her friends, for reasons that would seem petty to most. She sleeps most of the day and when she gets up, she's either clingy to me or angry and avoidant. I find myself breaking plans frequently because she is in crisis or if I do go out, I have to return home because she calls with some "emergency." I am trying really hard not to compare myself to others with college age kids who are enjoying being empty nesters or enjoying the freedom of not having to do much parenting. I feel like I'm putting in the same number of active parenting hours that I did when she was a little kid, and she's nowhere near ready to be on her own.
I am wondering when I'll get my life back. I have a wonderful guy I've dated for over 2 years, and she is especially jealous of the time I spend with him. I have only had him stay overnight with me 1 time, and that didn't go well. When he comes over to see me, she is very rude and unwelcoming. When we go out, we've invited her to do things with us, which she usually refuses, and she usually calls and comes up with some crisis to try to get me to come home. I'm lucky that he's patient, but it's not fair that she's constantly trying to sabotage my relationship. I have a hard time also getting out of the house to just spend time alone, she doesn't tolerate being alone very well, and right now with her avoidance of her friends, the pressure on me is too much. She's become so needy.
Sorry if this is long and rambling. I guess I just need some support in figuring out how to balance trying to help her with trying to get my life back. I feel like I'm at a breaking point and something has to change. I don't want to be a lifelong caretaker of her. I need to be able to get her on the path of independence and some stability, and have adequate time for myself. Or, I need to know what to expect and how to navigate her reaction if I start living my life the way I'd like, which is not going to be centered around her as much as it is currently. Thanks in advance!
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