Hi rockbottom mum, welcome to the group. This is the right place for parents like you who are at the end of their rope dealing with a child with BPD and/or BPD-type traits and behaviors, which are exhausting at best
So much of what you posted will be so, so familiar to other members here:
She is absolutely convinced she is always right about everything.
Yes, she cannot ever be wrong...
If you disagree (and it doesn't matter how gently or tactfully you might challenge her thoughts or express your disagreement) she takes this as a personal attack and then lets us have it with both barrels.
Yup, disagreement isn't just a difference of opinion...
I am trying so hard to help her, but she refuses point blank to accept that anything can or should be done
And yes, the problem isn't her.
All so relatable.
Can I ask, as she's 19, is she still living at home? Do you have any other kids, and are they living at home? That can be a factor in figuring out what to do next.
And tell me more about you learning about BPD. If I'm hearing you right, your D19 doesn't have a diagnosis, yet you did some digging and it all seems to fit? That's perfectly fine here! There's no need for the person in your life to have a diagnosis of BPD. What we deal with here are the traits and behaviors, no matter what. The person in my life with BPD type traits is my husband's kids' mom, and as far as I know she doesn't have a diagnosis, but that's really irrelevant when dealing with her blame, pettiness, manipulation, and irresponsibility. We're all here because we've been in your shoes of being at a loss as to what to do next. Rest assured this is a place where it's safe to talk through your own values and beliefs, so you can figure out how you and your H can stay strong, stay on the same page, and be true to your values, even if "normal" parents would disagree with how you proceed.
I don't think you can "normal parent" a child with BPD. Dealing with a pwBPD of any age and any relationship requires some pretty non-intuitive skills and tools. Fortunately, it's possible just through the changes we make, that we have control over, to have a "less worse" relationship with a pwBPD, even if they don't do anything different themselves. So, again, you're in the right place.
I'll wrap this up and wait to hear more from you. Hope you get some relaxation this week;
kells76
